Absolute Blue Invitation 3/14/14 - 3/16/14

Absolute Blueland

We have finally received clearance from several government regulatory agencies, corrupt union officials, mendacious municipalities, local brothels and our own questionable legal team and are proceeding with the first ever theme park in Central Florida, if you don’t count all the others. We have put together a list of attractions, rides and shows guaranteed to thrill. Tentatively called Geriatric Park, it will be sponsored by either Viagra or Cialis, depends. We have already created the first attraction, Tilt a Girl, where you can spin the woman of your choice. But we have much more planned:

-Pilates of the Caribbean: A workout for all ye maties and scalawags.

-A Spanish Inquisition themed attraction called Medieval Crimes.

-Hall of Precedents: A review of Supreme Court decisions from Burger to Thomas. It’s Tortally awesome!

-Dusty Rhodes’ Wild Ride: A piss poor trip through wrestling history, even by WWE standards.

-And the food court will contain exclusively Italian food. We call it Pregoland.

-Damp ‘n Mild: It’s really just Don’s lawn sprinkler and a Walmart inner tube to share.

-Jaeger Gardens: Its main features are vomit and despair.

-And making its debut in the park is a ride sponsored by a famous plumbing company that simulates high temperature cooking. It’s called the Kohler Roaster.

But until tickets are available, the next best thing is a Friday night at Kenny D’s in Palm Bay from 9 to 1. This is our first time here so come check out yet another club you can hear The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. It’s located in the Kmart plaza at the Southeast corner of Palm Bay and Babcock…

Second best would be at Sandbar Sports Grille in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, Saturday from 9 to 1…

And it’s finally back to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach Sunday from 2 to 6…