Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/19 - 2/16/19

Absolute Blue Relationizes

We were about out of options. We tried networking, cruising Applebee’s, even taking up bowling but to no avail. So it was time to make a bold move. But at our age this could be dangerous. After consulting with the Absolute Blue legal team, a couple of sanitation engineers and a stripper, possibly hooker, named Destiny, we made the decision that we would first try experimenting on animals. We fully understand that this is controversial, but unanimously agreed that due to the potential catastrophic pain and damage involved that this is the prudent choice. So we enrolled a number of household pets onto various online dating services and experienced mixed results. The hamster seemed confused at first, then settled into a steady relationship with a waitress in Minnesota. Others were not so lucky. The goldfish got catfished and the ferret had his heart broken multiple times, but the potbellied pig is now married and a product representative for Hormel’s Newark office with what might be a piglet on the way. Unfortunately we spent most of our budget on product testing, so we were left with the following knock off options:

-Matchstick.com: When you’re in the mood for a little romance. And arson.

-ReHarmony: For those rejected by the popular dating site, sometimes 6 or 7 times. Mostly felons.

-Pharmersonly.com: For rural singles looking for love. And crystal meth.

-DollyMadison.com: For cheaters. Of their diet.

-OKStupid: Nuff said.

Join us for a Friday night at Malabar Mo’s at the corner of Malabar Road and US1, from 7 to 11…