No posts to display.
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/01/16 - 4/02/16
Absolute Blue Legalization
It has come to our attention that some bands do not have legal representation on retainer. This seems highly unusual as this is one of our highest budget expenditures. Perhaps they meant something else when they said we needed protection. But a quick googling shows that this may be needs driven. Looks like The Kore has no collective arrest record and The Divas barely have a parking ticket between them. We are at a loss to explain the legal harassment of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love other than to mention the dramatic increase in Presbyterian on Presbyterian crime or the questionable practice of profiling aging, flatulent, impoverished and marginally skilled musicians for routine offenses such as corpuscular turpitude or demonstrative improbity. The band has been involved in so many legal proceedings, they now have their own actionable figures. It’s a constant game of Tort and retort. So much so that Bill’s legal briefs are Fruit of the Looms. It’s important to remember that we were the first to propose a drive through to get disputes settled that we call an arbitration station and when Don was feeling depressed about his court date he became the first despondent respondent. But enough of our accomplishments, let’s take this time to recap our guest appearances on some not so well known legal series:
-FLA Law: Don’s candy lawsuit ends in a skittle acquittal.
-Better Still, Bill: Starring our own Billy, the Perjurative Conservative.
-Criminal Mine’s: Tom tries to steal a Dyson which turns out to be a vacuum cleaner misdemeanor.
-Slaw & Odor - SUV: Skip takes a group of ex-cons to Busch Gardens for the very first Paroller Coaster.
-Criminal In Tent: Kevin’s camping show that features a Viagra lawsuit including an Erectile Dysfunction Injunction.
-Lost In Legal: Brought to you by the Absolute Blue Copyright Infringement Division, where we put the play in plagiarism.
-The Firmentation: It was his statement against mine, a kind of affidavit and Goliath.
We also put the lie in libel, the buy in bible and the try in tribal…
Join us for a Friday night at Keith’s Oyster bar at the world famous Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/26/16 - 3/27/16
Absolute Blue Budgetizes
We remember a time when preparing for next fiscal year was a breeze. When everything from bail bonds to lap dances came under miscellaneous expenses. When bribes to local government officials and emergency room visits were considered promotional. When gambling losses and tattoos were just a part of normal operations. But with recent SEC regulations we are mandated to more closely describe the specific action taken for each particular category of expense, its relation to previous budget expenditures and a narrative explaining each. Now, if the Big 10 were in charge you know things would be different. But in the interest of transparency and because Absolute Blue Incorporated is, at least in theory, a publically held, or at least gently caressed company, something Bill tried to explain to us but kept rambling on about Trump, we hereby submit to you, our shareholders, our proposed fiscal year 2016 line item budget:
-Legal Services: +50%: Arrests were down, but the number of charges increased substantially, mostly due to a slight miscalculation in judgment as well as the space/time continuum.
-Personnel Development: + 100%: Yeah, well 100 times 0 is still 0.
-Liabilities: +70%: Includes economic, emotional, spiritual and developmental.
-Personal Hygiene: -10%: Due to repeated misapplication of basic supplies, such as toothpaste or deodorant, depends.
-Entertainment: -90%: Looks like we’re down to a deck of cards and a soiled Parcheesi board.
-Wardrobe: +10%: New thong underwear for all!
-Old Milwaukee Light: +10%: While overall consumption was up last year, its purgative nature resulted in a net yield flat to last year.
Please join us for an evening at the Cocoa Beach Pier this Friday from 6 to 10…
Then Saturday from 7 to 11 it’s our first ever performance at the Cocoa Beach Squid Lips. It is located at the old Lobster Shanty, where A1A either splits or comes together…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/18/16 - 3/21/16
Absolute Blue Presidentializes
May you live in interesting times. Sir Isaac Newton may hot have had our present political situation in mind when he coined this phrase, largely regarded as apocrypha, but it certainly pertains today. Even within our own ranks partisan politics are creating havoc within The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. Being a Trumpeter in every sense of the word, Our Donald is stumping for The Donald. Ever the chicken aficionado, Skip keeps referring to Bernie as Colonel. Tom is convinced this will be our Waterloo, or at least out Bunker Hillary. Kevin is so fed up with democratic candidates he has created the ‘Wherefore Art Thou Rubio?’ tshirts. Citing issues with Ted’s domestic policies Bill created the Refuse the Cruz campaign popular with both the unemployed hairdresser and alienated plumber segments. But all is not lost. Yet, anyway. We must keep things in perspective as history shows us Americans have not always chosen wisely:
-The aptly named 36th president was considered by some to be borderline insane and had a penchant for exposing himself to staff, truly putting the J in LBJ.
-President Fillmore, at great taxpayer expense, created the first White House ponds, not so much for reflection but for the many ducks he raised by hand, which he called Millard's Mallards.
-James Buchanan may have been the first gay President. Andrew Jackson referred to him and his ‘companion’ as Miss Nancy and Aunt Fancy.
-Our 22nd and 24th president was named after a muppet.
-William Harrison could have been saved by wearing a condom. *
-Hoover had a hydroelectric plant and a vacuum named after him. So he was the first dam president that sucked.
-The scandalous tenure of Warren ‘G Spot’ Harding ended only upon his death, possibly coming at the hands of his wife due to his many indiscretions.
-And let’s not forget Howard Taft: America’s first lardass.
* Editor’s note: While he contracted pneumonia during his inauguration it was perhaps a different kind of rubber that would have benefited him.
Join us Friday at the Tiki in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd, just south of Main Street.
Then Saturday it’s a beautiful evening at the Port as we invade Millikens from 5 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/11/16 - 3/13/16
Absolute Blue Regulates
Taking inspiration from yet another television series, we decided that our true calling involved the law and its many applications. So with a renewed initiative, $19.95, a groupon and an inkjet printer we were able to secure a Certificate of Lawyering, which we assume means we can start soliciting for representation somewhat immediately. Our first foray was with the somewhat niche segment of Canine Law, but that was a disaster from the beginning, as anyone who has ever tried to explain the basic concept of a waiver to a Pekingese or tried to get a Dachshund to sign on the line which is dotted will tell you. Instead we plan on pioneering the concept of Linguistic Litigation which is not quite as dirty as is sounds. How many times have you offered up a clever word or phrase, then due to poorly written copyright laws a Corporation has gone on to bastardize, plagiarize and commercialize the concept and in the meantime generate a tidy sum for themselves. We say this must stop. Someone must stand up for the rights of the downtrodden, the uptrodden; the retrodden or detrodden. Just as long as the upfront non-refundable consultation check clears. Between that and the 80% recovery fee we should be able to clean up. Some of our initial cases include:
-Don, speaking to his contactor after negotiating a deal to renovate his bathroom was the first to say, ‘Go ahead, make my bidet’.
-When Tom was looking at Mid American Conference schools, the recruiter assured him ‘You're in good hands with Ball State’.
-Kevin’s grandfather from the old country was named Lavin Miasov long before it became text speak.
-When researching transvestite prostitute’s behavior for a Sociology project, Skip created the phrase that later became ‘Raging Hormones’.
-While Bill was explaining why he needed a flashlight to locate coins in the sofa, he infamously quipped to ‘See the change you wish to be in the couch’.
Friday marks our return to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…
Saturday we tend to a private party, but Sunday it’s SBI from 1 to 5…