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Absolute Blue Invitation 2/22/19 - 2/24/19
Absolute Blue Originizes
It’s the question we get asked more than any other. Ok, besides, “What’s that smell?” People seem to be interested in the origin of the band. How it all came together. What I can tell you is that it was a simpler time. But also a more vulnerable time. The Soviet nation was in collapse. Disco was in decline. Pet rocks had been discontinued. The beanie baby bubble had busted. People were looking for some direction in their lives. After much bribing, many kickbacks and greasing a few palms (with actual grease) Tom was able to obtain a sizable federal grant to Establish And Promote A Culturally Edifying Product For Pacification And Subjugation Purposes. After many failed attempts, up to and including an attempt to rename traditional chords, such as Aminor, Eflat and G, to Bob, Jimmy and Evelyn, he finally spearheaded an initiative to rent plants out for cross pollination, thereby putting the hor in horticulture. Business boomed until in a reverse sting operation, he was brought up on agriculture prostitution charges, which is apparently a thing. Fortunately, due to an appalling lack of congressional oversight and practically no accountability he was able to use most of the rest of the money to avoid any significant jail time. With the last few dollars he placed a Personal ad in the local newspaper looking for likeminded musicians to form a unique blend of comedy and music, like comusic. Or musedy. Whatever. After that:
-Bill was added through a supplemental draft after his former band tired of his repeated requests to pull his finger.
-Don was drafted as a free agent from the local farm team, where he was released for conduct unbecoming a musician. And with standards that low, you really have to be trying.
-Kevin was added in a five band trade that included future draft picks, right of first refusal (for actual refuse) and several pizza coupons.
-Skip was a walk on following a stint in the Carolina league, where after a failed a drug test, he inexplicably was found with absolutely no illicit substances in his system. He then resigned in disgrace.
Join us for a Sunday at the Crab Stop in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd just north of Main Street, from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/19 - 2/16/19
Absolute Blue Relationizes
We were about out of options. We tried networking, cruising Applebee’s, even taking up bowling but to no avail. So it was time to make a bold move. But at our age this could be dangerous. After consulting with the Absolute Blue legal team, a couple of sanitation engineers and a stripper, possibly hooker, named Destiny, we made the decision that we would first try experimenting on animals. We fully understand that this is controversial, but unanimously agreed that due to the potential catastrophic pain and damage involved that this is the prudent choice. So we enrolled a number of household pets onto various online dating services and experienced mixed results. The hamster seemed confused at first, then settled into a steady relationship with a waitress in Minnesota. Others were not so lucky. The goldfish got catfished and the ferret had his heart broken multiple times, but the potbellied pig is now married and a product representative for Hormel’s Newark office with what might be a piglet on the way. Unfortunately we spent most of our budget on product testing, so we were left with the following knock off options:
-Matchstick.com: When you’re in the mood for a little romance. And arson.
-ReHarmony: For those rejected by the popular dating site, sometimes 6 or 7 times. Mostly felons.
-Pharmersonly.com: For rural singles looking for love. And crystal meth.
-DollyMadison.com: For cheaters. Of their diet.
-OKStupid: Nuff said.
Join us for a Friday night at Malabar Mo’s at the corner of Malabar Road and US1, from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/08/19 - 2/10/19
Absolute Blue Bowlerizes
Some would have you believe that we were witness to the worst SuperBowl game ever, with a total of 14 combined punts, compared to one last year. But what of us that are obsessed with the thrill of the punt? After all, it’s the most mysterious play in the game. Will it be blocked? Will it be caught? Will it bounce? Which way? So much drama! And don’t forget that for centuries those Europeans have ridiculed us as they say the game we call football actual refers to neither. They refer to it as ‘handegg’. So bringing back the punt is a brilliant political move. And as far as a subpar performance overall, don’t be fooled. This is actually an excellent marketing strategy, fully preparing us for what is sure to be dismal athletic presentation of the new Alliance of American Football, debuting next month and the reintroduction of the Orlando Predators to the National Arena League next year. And regarding the halftime show, we embarrassingly enough thought Maroon 5 was a band but turns out that this was an eschewing of gender norms and Mr. 5 is to be commended for performing the first halftime strip tease. As we close out this season we wrap things up with some little-known facts about what we witnessed last Sunday:
-Spongebob now has more Super bowl appearances than the Detroit Lions.
-Goodell considered adding women referees to the game, which would have been great until they threw a flag for something that happened three weeks ago.
-Much was made of the baring of skin during the halftime show and the gender implications of such. When it actually comes down to simple math; nipples should be presented in matched pairs instead of singularly.
-The name of the championship game actually came from a truly magnificent bird.
-Both teams played like the winner had to go to the White House.
Join us for a Sunday afternoon at Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/01/19 - 2/02/19
Absolute Blue Caninizes
Say you are an executive with a Company. You and some of your fellow executives don’t get along with the other executives. To the point that you feel the best thing is to halt company production completely over such principles as whether the toilet paper should flow freely from the top of the role or cascade gently from the back. Since your company is publicly funded, the money generated by the general public keeps rolling in. And as an executive, you keep your salary but hundreds of thousands of employees stop getting paid and have to rely on second or third jobs, or the generosity of others to survive. And millions more are affected by the lack of goods and services your company is to provide. Then you try to tell people that you are doing your job, the sole purpose of which is to keep the company running, to the best of your ability. And fully expect to be reelected to your executive position by the very people you are inconveniencing. In what third world country could such a thing happen? Before we let that sink in, here are some fun facts about dogs as a diversionary tactic:
-Skip taught his dog to drink malt liquor, making it a true Olde English Sheepdog.
-I though Kevin’s new dog was a greyhound, but when I asked him what kind and whether he would bite he said, “Whippet. Whippet good.”
-Bill taught martial arts to his toy dog. To our knowledge it is the world’s first Tai Chihuahua.
-Tom crossed a mad dog with a hunting dog and now he has a Joe Cocker Spaniel.
-Don over fed his guard dog and now he has a Lotsa Apso.
Join us for a Saturday at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd just south of Main Street from 7 to 11…