Absolute Blue Invitation 2/23/18 - 2/25/18

Absolute Blue Olympicizes

It’s that time again. Every four years they come together in the spirit of compassion and comradery to perform superhuman acts of endurance and agility. But enough of Skip’s love life. It’s also time for the Olympics. I know what you’re thinking. More of the same old events, the same old countries and the same old gender questionable competitors. And with the technological advancements in equipment such as cutting edge polymers and aerodynamically designed suits, we have gotten even further away from how our ancestors intended the games to be played. Naked. That’s sure to put a rise in your ratings. And that’s not all the changes we have in mind. Even now we are negotiating for Fergie to sing all the national anthems. If you will recall, last time we went so far as to pair events with food and drink combinations, like Skeleton and Beef Wellington or Alpine and White Wine. But this time we take a big step forward with the following possibly innovative, probably irresponsible and most likely felonious offerings:

-Robertsled: Instead of one at a time, all contestants race at once, Mad Max style. They live, they die, they live again.

-Transgenderthon: Open to all sexes/species.

-Soup Or G: We’ll take the G.

-Downhill: We’ve been nailing this for many years.

-Emoguls: Goth contestants compete in nihilistic piercing competitions to see who cares the least.

-Slalalomland: Skiing meets The Voice in this hybrid competition that is sure to bring back the glory days of the sports musical.

-Deluge: Down the mountain. Feetfirst. In the rain. Probably naked.

Join us for a double header at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier Friday and Saturday from 6 to 10…

The Sunday it’s back to Millikens at the Port from 2 to 7…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/16/18 - 2/18/18

Absolute Blue Searches

The Internet can be a dangerous place, as many Republicans have found out recently. I myself Googled Google at one point which inadvertently opened up a worm hole and subsequently lost several beanie babies and some Star Wars limited edition figurines. But when used with caution and prudence, the internet can be a wondrous place. And choosing your guide carefully can mean the difference a smooth and enlightening experience and total  disaster, as anyone that made the mistake of Asking Jeeves can tell you. On the plus side, at least Yahoo taught us how to yodel. On the minus side, Bing you still suck. And now we have Alexa, who seems so happy and helpful but truth be known, she has a dark side. We find it helpful to disable the vindictive mood in the app, but even then once you bring her home to meet the family she starts saying things like “Do you know what time it is?”, “Where have you been?” and ”You missed my birthday again!” So we are left with Google as the easiest and best option. But did you realize Google itself has variants such as:

-Moogle: Developed in conjunction with FarmersOnly and designed to give rural America its own set of digital tools. Contains a unique porn component, obviously.

-Newgle: The next generation search engine, designed to not only automatically search for your content, but also read it as well, so you can get off to bed as you have a big day tomorrow.

-Froogal: Nothing but coupons, special offers, rebates, exclusive deals, once in a lifetime opportunities, you make have already wons and the occasional Nigerian Prince.

-Truegle: Eliminates many outlets of Fake News including Kelli Ward, Russian news portals, The Weather Channel, most of social media and every other Trump statement.

-Magoogle: Content for and related to nearsighted, balding, inept, mumbling, bumbling elderly men, which covers most of the band.

-AbsoluteBluegle: Your portal to all you need to know about The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, including Skip’s turn ons, Kevin's fish dip recipe, Bill’s liberal leanings and why Tom is the way he is. Better yet, don't.

See also Kungfugle, Dejavugle, Fondugle and Tattoogle.

Join us for a big weekend, beginning Friday at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday, also from 7 to 11, it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian…

And Sunday it’s our return to SBI from 1 to 5…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/02/18 - 2/04/18

Absolute Blue Laments

This week we come to you with heavy hearts, our faith in mankind perhaps irrevocably shattered. As we live in an enlightened time, with the wisdom of the ages available at the click of a finger, a vast repository of theological, historical and scientific knowledge available for use wherever we go. The masters of literature accessible with a few keystrokes. An unprecedented array of cultural insight at our disposal and what is it used for? To remind people not to eat Tide Pods. Yes, with untold resources available to us we need to remind each other not to consume toxic cleaning products. And besides, they taste terrible. So what else hath the internet wrought? Lest we forget:

-Ice Bucket Challenge: At least this had a purpose. However many participants failed to take into consideration the considerable mass and/or density of water in its liquid form, leading to many injuries.

-Cinnamon Challenge: Pointless. Embarrassing for all concerned. You have to question the individual that willingly participates in an activity that guarantees vomiting if not serious lung damage. Fortunately the activity is currently illegal due to the 2017 Herb and Spice Protection Act.

-Mannequin Challenge: Yes. Exactly what we need. More millennials standing around doing nothing.

-Planking: Only a seasoned performer would have the ability to combine the subtle nuances and aesthetic properties to replicate a stationary piece of wood. Nailed it.

-Tebowing: For those of us old enough to have lived through this absurd part of our history, this pays tribute to the former Heisman winner. Sadly, probably his most enduring legacy.

Join us this Friday at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…

Then Sunday, 2 to 7 at Millikens at the Port…