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Absolute Blue Invitation 4/05/19 - 4/06/19
Absolute Blue Nebulizes
Considering our area’s history it was only a matter of time before we took on space. You know, like your new shower curtain, the vinyl frontier. You may boldly go wherever you like, but please count me out. Space is really just a whole lotta nothing. Just imagine an object. Then imagine the exact opposite. That’s what space is. Except there’s like radiation out there that will freeze your blood. Or boil it. Or simmer in on low for 10-12 minutes. And now the Indians have blown up one of their satellites, just to show off, so now instead of one large object to dodge, there’s ten thousand little pieces, all traveling at about seventeen thousand miles an hour, faster if you’re in Europe and in kilometers. Each one of these capable of at least putting an eye out. And NASA says they’re on top of this near earth object thing, that they have a guy watching out. But what about when he calls in sick? He’s probably accrued some vacation time by now. I mean, a lunch break or even a quick trip to the men’s room could be catastrophic. Just ask a dinosaur. Oh, wait we can’t. Cause THEY’RE ALL DEAD. So you need your space? Have at it. As for me I’m sticking to this here earth for as long as I can. Longer if possible. So until next week when we tell you what we read on the internet about germs, we bring you the following:
-Willumbra: Of or pertaining to the dark center portion of a shadow. Except our drummer doesn’t cast a shadow. You know, like Nosfartatu.
-Tomet: Just like our bass player, ice cold and eminently predictable.
-Skipacolypse: An extinction event specifically pertaining to an NEO impact. Or Auburn winning a national title.
-Astrodonical: Relating to celestial events or objects. As you all know, our trumpet player puts the ass in astrodonical.
-Kevinterstellar: Situated or occurring between the stars. Most likely Kim and Khloe.
Join us for a Friday night at Gator’s Dockside, formerly Millikens Reef, at Port Canaveral from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/29/19 - 3/30/19
Absolute Blue Reporticizes
We are pleased to hear the summary of the conclusions of the special counsel investigation and that no evidence of conspiracy or collusion have been found. And while accusations of obstruction of justice go unanswered, the report sidesteps any traditional prosecutorial recommendation, declining to draw any conclusions on the matter. And while the details have yet to be made public, I think we can all finally put this matter to rest after all these years. Sure, there may be more allegations against Sloane and Cameron and there are those that will belabor the point, saying that this report actually raises more questions than it answers, however we at The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love stand by Ferris and believe that future releases of the Bueller report will continue to exonerate him. However we understand that concessions have been made on the following topics:
-The German consulate has lodged a formal complaint demanding a Thank You for its depiction during the parade.
-Yamaha Corporation finally reached a settlement for its claims of conspiracy to commit fraud as while they saw an increase in clarinet sales, this did not offset losses in their investment in woodwind tutoring.
-The alleged mistreatment of a vintage Ferrari on set has lead to formal complaints filed by People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles.
-Litigation continues surrounding the trademark rights to the ’Slacker’ name and concept as the central character is widely regarded as the first postmodern depiction of such in mainstream media.
-Classroom scenes featuring the explanation of the Smoot–Hawley Tariff Act did for supply side economics what Kardashians did for reality tv.
Join us for a Sunday afternoon at the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/22/19 - 3/23/19
Absolute Blue Infecticizes
Due to recently enacted SEC regulations, we are hereby required to report a security breach at one of our major North American Data Centers. Although we would rather refer to these as ‘Information Spills’. Rest assured, as we are pleased to advise all of you that your critical personal data has not been compromised. For example, no one will ever know the details of Nancy’s recent court appearance or Jimmy’s abysmally low credit score. Some band member’s data, however, has been released to the general public. Of most concern is a series of medical records that could prove to be intriguing, enlightening or downright embarrassing. Even as we speak, our routine medical exams are being downloaded to YouTube (make sure you check out Skip’s colonoscopy, volumes 1, 2 and 3). It is with this in mind and in the spirit of true transparency that we bring you the following diagnosis in an effort to head this off before it hits worldwide news outlets or local investigative portals. Can you imagine the damage if this got into the hands of Sean Hannity?
-Skiptheria: Not easily contracted so you really have to apply yourself. Since patient zero was found to be an exotic dancer, this is now known as the Striptease Disease.
-Donorrhea: Diagnosed often enough to put the freak in frequency. Treated with a two week regimen of unusually large pills which unfortunately cannot be taken orally.
-Tommon Cold: This is nothing to sneeze at and can be caused by accumulated dust and allergens so is sometimes known as the hoarder’s disorder.
-Kevinfluenza: This unique strain was first diagnosed during the Obama administration earning the name Barrack Plague.
-Billybola: Seek treatment immediately for any of the many symptoms of this malady. Due to its New Orleans origination it is sometimes called the Cajun Contagion.
Join us for a Friday night at Monkey Bar in Indialantic from 8 to 12…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/15/19 - 3/17/19
Absolute Blue Gastronomes
Now that the Absolute Blue Division of Culinary Science, The Worst Food You’ll Ever Love, is out of receivership, most related litigation has been settled and we have been granted court-approved protection from creditors, we can continue our epicurean endeavors. Most of the furor stemmed from the response to our latest road to table cuisine which was dubbed CrocoTacos, which bore more resemblance to the footwear than the indigenous reptile, after we found discount ‘Krocodile’ meat on the internet. DNA tests proved that it was equal parts unidentifiable rodent, wheat germ distillate and polyurethane. We were almost out of the woods when our more ethnic entry came to market, JapanCakes. Customers, later known as victims, found that these passed, gastronomically speaking, so quickly they really put the temp in tempura. Combined with a culturally insensitive marketing campaign the product was doomed from the beginning. We remain undeterred, unrelenting and undeniably irresponsible. This is why, against the advice of legal counsel, we proudly announce the following:
-ShishSkipbab: A North Carolinian delicacy, it’s actually just pieces of random roadkill and boiled turnips on a twig.
-Tominy Grits: The perfect way to start your authentic Southern breakfast. Cornmeal, butter and arrogance.
-Billy Cheesesteak: A coupla Steak-Umms and a conservative amount of provolone makes this the perfect dish for the Republican in your life.
-Kevilled Eggs: Start with an egg. Then put it away and get some fish.
-DonDue: Don. Don’t.
Join us for the only public performance this Friday at Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd, just south of Main Street from 7 to 11…
Upcoming Events
| Sat Jun 01 @ 9:00PM - 01:00AM Sandbar |
| Fri Jun 07 @ 7:00PM - 11:00PM Squid Lips |
| Sat Jun 08 @ 6:00PM - 10:00PM Gator's |