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Absolute Blue Invitation 1/15/16 - 1/17/16
Absolute Blue Organizes
In a rare example of unity, the members of Absolute Blue have banded together to combat what they feel is oppressive behavior by management, citing a hostile work environment and forced consumption of vast quantities of lukewarm Old Milwaukee Lite. As a result, they have unanimously voted to organize against the tyranny of their repressive governing body. Now that they are fully vested they are looking to be dinner jacketed or at least cumberbunded. However, initial efforts to join the American Federation of Musicians union fell through as Tom, being a bass player, did not qualify. We then tried the International Brotherhood of Pallbearers, Panhandlers and Pawnbrokers who would not answer our texts, the United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of Hobos, Vagrants and Itinerants Local 727, who have not responded to our group chat invitations and the National Guild of Smugglers, Pirates and Associated Services, who have blocked all subsequent emails. In a highly questionable decision, however, the Amalgamated Goat Milkers and Sheep Handlers Cooperative have agreed to take us under their banner and allowed us access to their bargaining table. Tom, being a member of both the band and management, will literally need to sit on both sides. It is a rare case where cloning himself back in ’83 has paid off. For illustrative purposes we will call him George Cloney. A list of demands follows:
-Since few holidays fall on a weekend, creation of new and imaginative holidays such as Groundchuck Day, where if the butcher sees his shadow there are 6 more weeks of meat specials, and the religious observance of Ram a Don, similar to Whack a Mole, where we get to repeatedly smack our trumpet player in the head.
-Company matching funds to enhance investments, so that for every dollar contributed to an exotic dancer’s garter, Tom will place a quarter.
-Increased number of sick days for all, which should be in place just as soon as Rene learns some more instruments.
-More frequent restroom breaks. That or an onstage trough. Depends.
-Institution of supplemental insurance. Unfortunately Aflac has a very high deducktable.
-Innovative and creative major medical plans, including organ sharing, where one can use another band member’s pancreas, gall bladder or spleen for the weekend.
Do not fear the weather as Friday promises mid 70’s for our return to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Drive from 7 to 11…
Similarly balmy conditions are expected Saturday for our Melbourne Squid Lips performance again from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/31/15 - 1/02/16
Absolute Blue Extracts
As we close in on another year’s passing we should be spending time in quiet reflection upon the significant accomplishments of the previous 12 months and celebrate the fact that we have met many of our goals for 2015. Unfortunately the Absolute Blue Inc fourth quarter fiscal returns have been posted and we find ourselves on the brink of financial disaster, primarily based on our substantial investments in online poker and fantasy football. This means cutbacks across the board, including research and development and personnel benefits so don’t expect any new songs and prepare for a significant lack of hygiene in 2016. Also as a result of this crisis we have no choice but to close a majority of our worldwide operations thereby thwarting our global mission to extend the Absolute Blue doctrine and expand the proclivity of fart jokes universally.
But before we say goodbye to Dubai, so long to Hong Kong, auf Wiedersehen to South Brisbane, see you later to the equator, bon voyage to Joe’s garage, aloha to Mongolia, adieu to Peru, hasta la vista to the Sandinistas, cheerio to Sanantonio; we must say farewell to Sabadell, ciao to Krakow, we will need to depart from Stuttgart, we will leave from Geneveve as we disappear from Davangere…
New Year’s Eve we will be playing a private party, but join us this Saturday from 6:30 to 9:30 at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne where we will be partaking in the time honored tradition of the breaking of the New Year’s resolutions…
And be sure to make plans for our Steagles performance, Friday, Jan 8, from 8 to 12 at US1 and Eau Gallie...
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/18/15 - 12/19/15
Absolute Blue Awakens
Due to unforeseen circumstances, scheduling conflicts, absence of malice, absinthe of Alice, the presence of Hanukkah , the presents of Christmas, near earth objects, local warming, lunar degeneration, polar cap degradation, Pentecostal radicalization, totalitarian globalization, ecological disintegration, national trumpification, fascist deliberation, groundwater contaminazation, armament proliferation, rampant spay/neuterification, nuclear cognitive recognition, hypothetical manifestations, habitual hoarding, holiday lethargy, video surveillance, musical espionage, free shipping, international currency devaluation and theoretical randomization, we have but one public performance before the end of the year. Please join us this Friday at PC Keats in downtown Melbourne, at New Haven and Vernon, just a block east of Matts, from 7 to 11 Friday. It’s a special after party for the Star Wars premier so plan on some lame references to storm trooping, ewoks and whatnot. May the farts be with you…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/11/15 - 12/12/15
Absolute Blue Emblemizes
After years of research, several focus groups and hundreds of therapy sessions, we have come to the conclusion that Absolute Blue is missing a vital component common to every successful team. We have yet to provide a tangible symbol of our mission, a physical manifestation of our purpose. Yes, I speak of a mascot. We have not had one since Flash left the band. But now we begin the difficult and painstaking process of selecting the appropriate representation of our core goal, which of course combines mediocrity and alcohol. Immediately we eliminated references to potential inflammatory subjects such as indigenous tribes, urban radicalizations, religious deities, political figures, registered trademarks, recognized brand names, Kardashians, erectile dysfunction, baby bumps, music shaming, pending legislation or dancing with the stars (or anyone else) which limits us tremendously, however have selected the following as potential possibilities:
-We were ready to introduce the noble sea gull as our mascot until he took a tern for the worst.
-A newly discovered species of maladjusted Ursus maritimus seems to meet our needs, the bipolar bear.
-Don suggested as a metaphor the albatross would be appropriate, or its more glamorous subspecies, the jessica albatross.
-Kevin lobbied for the honey badger but under its full name, Honey I shrunk the badger.
-Our drummer offered his latest genetic experiment based on African cattle DNA that he likes to call the Billdebeest.
-My thinking is to go with the Antilope, which I’m guessing is the opposite of any other lope.
This Friday please find us at Millikens at the Port from 5 to 10 Friday…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…