No posts to display.
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/11/13 - 10/12/13
Absolute Blue Shuts Down
As we are facing yet more inconveniences due to our government’s inability to get even the most miniscule issue resolved, we regret to inform you that Absolute Blue is no different. Seems that Skip and Don favor the conservative values of Bud Light, while Bill and Kevin support the more liberal ideals behind Coors Light. And again Tom seems incapable of making any decision whatsoever. As we enter the third day of the musical stalemate, the factions seem even further apart with the Coors team accusing the other of lactose intolerance and the Bud team accusing their adversaries of incontinence or enuresis, depends. So with an approval rating bordering on their blood alcohol content, we have shut down all band related activities until a compromise can be reached. This may seem trivial at first glance, but this will affect all of us to a degree:
-A plea to resume normal operations has been received from Jaeger’s board of directors as stock prices have plummeted.
-Local Taco Bells are closing early and 7-11 has slowed production of their extensive line of frozen burritos.
-In many adult entertainment establishments dollar bills lay dormant and unfolded.
-Throughout the county dozens of people remain entertainless, suffering from a lack of mediocre music, fart jokes and bad dancing.
-Plant workers were sent home due to the lack of demand for fossil fuel, steam and fissionable energy needed to power an Absolute Blue performance.
On the plus side, overall methane emissions are down substantially and citizen complaints have reached an all time low. And we know what you’re thinking: If we’ve shut down who’s writing this?, to which we say, stop being a smartass, ok.
Join us for a Friday night at Squid Lips from 7 to 11…
Or perhaps a Saturday night at Neptune in Satellite Beach from 9 to 1 would suite you…
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/05/13 - 10/06/13
Absolute Blue Cognomenizes
Unfortunately we have received word that the rights to a familiar Absolute Blue catchphrase has been registered and The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love is in violation of said copyright. Turns out that a Tibetan monastery quartet trademarked The Horn Dogs of Love and has apparently lawyered up. We received word from the Chinese equivalent of Saul Goodman, promising a ‘good old fashioned ass kickin’ if we do not cease and desist. So we thought we would take this opportunity to reassign monikers for each band member, which has always worked in the past. In fact, at one time Skip was known as Skipper, Bill was known as Billy, Tom as Tommy and the Horn Dogs as DonandKevin (or KevinandDon). This time we hired outside consultants to fully research each band member, detailing their respective personalities, or lack thereof, and came up with the following:
-He lifts, he separates; he sings, he conjugates. He’s The Donimator
-What’s that strange odor? Why it must be Kevinscent.
-Straight from Keebler it’s the Skipperdoodle, the ultimate in confections.
-Both Igneous and Sedimentary, it’s Tomegranite, the rock foundation.
-Since his given name was already taken by the Black Eyed Peas guy, lo.u.is.
OK, so the last one is a bit of a stretch. Join us for the sole public performance for Absolute Blue Saturday at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 9/27/13 - 9/28/13
Absolute Blue’s Form Letter
Hello and how are you? We hope that you are truly well. Our records indicate that you have not seen the band since 3/14/09. We value you as a customer and would hate for you to lose out on all the benefits due you as a member of the Absolute Blunatics. As a member in good standing you are entitled to a complementary week on Match.com, free legal advice from any band member and two for one laser tag coupons. We are pleased to inform you that much has happened since you last saw the band. Some highlights:
-The band has gone through 3 different guitarists, most of them Flash.
-They learned many new songs, replacing their old material with even older material.
-Adopted a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy that covers everything from political affiliation to ED prescriptions and more.
-They have gone through a series of transcendental meditation, sensitivity training and electric shock treatments to curb a variety of abhorrent behaviors.
-Acknowledged beer as a gateway drink.
-Tom is really very sorry.
Our records show that you enjoy tap dancing and spaghetti. You get that and so much more at an Absolute Blue performance. In fact your favorite band member, Eric, mentions you frequently. So don’t let your membership expire. Come on out and see The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love this weekend and you will be automatically renewed!
Absolute Blue, Inc.
Two chances to renew this weekend, with a party at Tapps, at the NW corner of Babcock and Palm Bay Road, Friday from 9:30 to 1:30…
Saturday it’s back to Pineda Inn from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 9/20/13 - 9/21/13
Absolute Blue’s Dogmata
Little is known about the early years of Absolute Blue, of their political views and philosophies but recent documents made available under the Freedom Of Information act paint a clearer picture. While it is well known that the band was granted musical asylum in the latter days of the Carter administration, most likely by mistake, the question remains as to how they were exiled by a pissed off Gerald Ford. Could it be more than wiener jokes and flatulence references that got them banished from their homeland? Or perhaps their unwavering musical efficacy and their insistence on remaining deliciously judicious. One thing is for sure: the group now embraces bipartisan musicality. Gone are the days where Kevin refused to play sharps and Don refused to play flats. They remain committed to their fundamental roots of contingent sovereignty on one hand and a sandwich in the other. So much so that:
Our drummer divided up his clients questionably to benefit his lawn care empire, unwittingly creating the first case of Billymandering.
Skip put the goober in Gubernatorial.
We listened to Kevin speak many times of his approval of O’Reily’s views until we learned he was talking about the auto parts guy.
Don began an intense study of Soviet economic and political reform once he learned the difference between perestroika and Paris Hilton.
Tom hates the Dallas Cowboys so much he has registered officially as the first Romophobe.
Yeah, we don’t know how that last one got in there either, but we’ll have a talk with Quality Control…
Only one chance to catch the proletariat musical renderings of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. Join us Saturday at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…