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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/20/15 - 3/21/15
Absolute Blue Idiomizes
It has come to our attention that several times during the course of an Absolute Blue performance certain catch phrases or keywords are muttered, unbeknownst to the audience or many times the mutterer himself. This represents a paradigm shift in the cultural lexicon, similar to what we’ve seen in many sub Germanic languages. As such, the risk is that if not properly documented the subtle vernacular fabric would be lost to future generations. So we have put together a series designed to honor this peculiar set or jargon. Let’s begin with the basics:
Horndog: Noun, singular. From the Latin Haernicus Dogiticus, literally translated as ‘Reluctant soldier brandishing questionable weaponry’. Some predate this, replacing pointy sticks with fruits and vegetables, back when cultural differences were settled with lavish food fights. Commonly mistaken for Corndogs, as they are similar in texture and substance, Horndogs are much less appealing. When cornered they tend to generate copious amounts of flatulence and should not be around small children unless supervised. Easily excited, it is perfectly acceptable to taze them, bro. They are also difficult to housebreak, so you may want to use plastic sheets or newspaper, depends. Variations include Horndoggity, Horndogdammit, Horndoggery. See also Kevinanddon, Donandkevin.
Come and show your newfound appreciation of Horndogerry this Friday from 9 to 1 at Shady Oaks in Pam Bay, at the southwest corner of Malabar and Babcock…
Then Saturday from 9 to 1 at Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/12/15 - 3/15/15
Absolute Blue Shades
So we’re not sure we totally get it, but with the recent movie phenomenon that, having not bothering to read the book, we can only assume references an interior decorator trying to find the perfect color for a client or perhaps a testament to the writer’s favorite tea. Or a window treatment salesman’s quest for immorality. In any case it has taken the world by storm, shattering records usually reserved for hobbits or wizards or sinking ships. So we have put together a copyrighted and registered list of ideas to further the franchise. Please let us know your favorite and we will compile a comprehensive analysis full of color charts and graphs and standard deviations:
-50 Shades of Stay: Whispers turn to shouts as a dog trainer woos an executioner.
-50 Shades of Pate: A cook with digestive problems makes her stomach better but her liverwurst.
-50 Shades of Spay: Animal rights activists take their views to unreasonable lengths.
-50 Shades of Sorbet: What starts as a simple palette cleansing ends up deep in rainbow sherbet.
-50 Shades of Decay: To be closer to her dentist, a patient experiences everything from a small cavity to full blown gingivitis.
-50 Shades of Buffet: A woman is torn between Jimmy and Warren.
-50 Shades of Fillet: A simple drive through experience turns into a fish sandwich obsession.
-50 Shades of Jose: A relationship built exclusively on Tequila shots reaches its inevitable conclusion.
-50 Shades of Cray Cray: What started as a simple neurosis becomes full blown insanity. No, not the workout.
-50 Shades of Parkay: She can’t believe it’s not bondage.
So with that in mind please join us for a Thursday evening at Tracy’s in Suntree, at the corner of Wickham and St Andrews, just south of Suntree Blvd, from 7:30 to 11:30…
And Friday it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River just south of Main street, from 7 to 11…
Then Sunday it’s SBI, rain or shine, from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/27/15 - 2/28/15v
Absolute Blue Awardables
We sat in awe of the pageantry and spectacle of yet another four hour academy awards ceremony and decided there must be some self-serving way to spread our own unique brand of hypocrisy. We therefore present to you The Abbies, an ill-conceived and poorly designed series of awards second to none in absurdity if not futility. These are designed to not just celebrate the individual, but the specific features that make them shine, or at least less dull. The statue itself features a purgative figure next to a corresponding pile of vomit, which is indicative of the response to the typical Absolute Blue performance. Made of high polymer resin and coated in asbestos, simply handling the figurine without a full body protective suit is extremely toxic. And receiving one of these gives the kind of satisfaction one can only get by owning an award featuring a random guy puking. So with painstaking research, questionable judgment and minimal funding we have come up with the following, surely to be repeated annually if not weekly:
-The Abbie for Best Cranial Covering goes to: Skip’s hat: Part Indiana Jones, part Hasidic Fundamentalist, it’s all kinds of North Carolina sensible.
-The Abbie for Best Non Reconstructive Facial Feature goes to: Bill’s mustache: Mostly for remaining in the same space the entire time. Wilford Brimley was unavailable for comment.
-The Abbie for Best Missing Apparel goes to: Tom’s sleeves: Last seen in 2001.
-The Abbie for Best Application of a Musical Instrument For Comedic Affect goes to: Kevin’s Maracas: No, not those, the round shaky things.
-Rounding out our annual awards, the Abbie for Best Supporting Roll: Duct Tape. King’s Hawaiian was unavailable for comment.
-Mister Congenitality once again goes to Don, for obvious reasons.
So anyways, it’s Matt’s Casbah in Downtown Melbourne Friday from 6:30 to 9:30…
Then down to Shady Oaks at the southwest corner of Babcock and Malabar in Palm Bay Saturday from 9 to 1…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/20/15 - 2/22/15
Absolute Blue Interacts
In an effort to enhance the Absolute Blue experience, we have developed new collaborative programs to allow users to not only enjoy the largely mediocre music we perform, but actually participate in the festivities on a variety of different levels. Let’s take a look, shall we:
-Platinum: You will learn how to fix a variety of instruments, repair electronics as well as resolve wardrobe malfunctions with a single application of duct tape. You will be given the opportunity to create set lists from an extensive list of decrepit, poorly executed and badly arranged musical selections. You will also be given the opportunity to haggle with club owners, dispute pay and threaten unionization. You regret leaving law school.
-Gold: You will get to deal with hecklers, mostly family members, then attempt to divide 2.23 in tips 5 ways without someone complaining and learn a series of inside jokes (Warning: verbal dissemination of said jokes can and will cause loss of income, societal status and possibly incur future litigation). You regret not finishing your bachelor’s.
-Silver: You will ensure each band member adheres to a prohibitively strict dress code (includes a mandatory underwear check). Also you will learn to reprimand band members using a rolled up newspaper and to drink with the band, which includes a complimentary post performance 7-11 frozen burrito. Comes with its own stomach pump. You regret much of high school.
-Bronze: After loading several tons of equipment, incurring a speeding ticket and missing out on Cake Day at work, you get to the venue to find that the performance has been cancelled and are offered a warm glass of Old Milwaukee Light as compensation. You regret not applying for the position that may someday lead to assistant manager of a drive through establishment.
It’s an all Cocoa Beach weekend as we play a highly unusual two night stand at Keith’s Oyster Bar at the Cocoa Beach Pier both Friday and Saturday from 5:30 to 9:30…
Then Sunday it’s the Sandbar Sports Grill at the end of 520 from 4 to 8…