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Absolute Blue Invitation 10/25/13 - 10/26/13
Absolute Blue’s Randominity
While we are glad that the government is back online, what we need to realize is that there is such a backlog of bribery, skullduggery, partisan politrickery and lame duckery that your simple document request will not be addressed until early next year, with Obamacare going so well and all.
We are consistently outraged at the millions of dollars being donated for cancer. We at Absolute Blue have been and always will be against cancer.
We would also like to suggest that instead of pay per view, the viewers themselves be compensated in cases where their sports teams especially suck. So instead of paying to see the Jaguars incompetence, those witnessing the debacle would actually be paid for each minute they had to sit through, kind of a revenue sharing that includes the fan. Or at least a bartering system so that each hour we have to sit through the Astros on ESPN we earn an hour of Buxom Beach Babes on Playtime.
And as we look forward to our relaunch, we will be taking donations for Don’s facelift, Tom’s buttlift, Bill’s botox, Kevin’s lipo, Skip’s implants and rhinoplasty for our pet rhinoceros.
And Skip asked if all the cows suddenly died if it would be a cattleclysmic event.
Only one damn thing to do this weekend: Get on down to Pineda Inn on Saturday from 7 to 11. See you there…
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/18/13 - 10/20/13
Absolute Blue’s 1ZA
It turns out that our position as the official band of the first zombie apocalypse was not, as we thought, honorary, except for some very specific tax breaks. We unfortunately have squandered most of the stipend on beer and lottery tickets and sold the commemorative memorabilia on eBay. We have also been summoned before the Joint Subcommittee on Massage Services, Celebrity Affairs and Zombie Management as well as the Secretary of the Interior Decorator for our negligence in submitting a formal plan for fiscal 2014. To avoid penalties, fees and incarceration, we have quickly put together a poorly constructed and ill-conceived strategy, the same approach we use in our music, to deal with this impending disaster. The below steps illustrate our multi stage proposal, which calls for unilaterally unsound policies as well as an unprecedented tax burden on the public, but in the name of national security if not global security, we need a clear and actionable plan in place. Unfortunately this ain’t it:
-Create the ‘No Undead Left Behind’ educational initiative.
-Develop a process for translating all official English documents, including textbooks, fortune cookies and street signs, into a series of grunts and clicks, intelligible by the non-living.
-Establish an extensive dental and vision plan under Ozombicare, provided they actually have teeth and eyes, respectively.
-Create additional medical coverage for zombies that can prove they were killed within the US or any trust territories.
-Provide a path to citizenship for undocumented zombies, once they curb their appetite for other citizens.
-Petition the FDA to create a new food pyramid, consisting of internal organs, brains and living flesh.
We have solicited funding for the aforementioned from GOP coffers, assuming that the brain dead and soulless will eventually become Republicans…
This weekend catch The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love at the Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant Saturday from 6 to 10…
Then Sunday at SBI from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/11/13 - 10/12/13
Absolute Blue Shuts Down
As we are facing yet more inconveniences due to our government’s inability to get even the most miniscule issue resolved, we regret to inform you that Absolute Blue is no different. Seems that Skip and Don favor the conservative values of Bud Light, while Bill and Kevin support the more liberal ideals behind Coors Light. And again Tom seems incapable of making any decision whatsoever. As we enter the third day of the musical stalemate, the factions seem even further apart with the Coors team accusing the other of lactose intolerance and the Bud team accusing their adversaries of incontinence or enuresis, depends. So with an approval rating bordering on their blood alcohol content, we have shut down all band related activities until a compromise can be reached. This may seem trivial at first glance, but this will affect all of us to a degree:
-A plea to resume normal operations has been received from Jaeger’s board of directors as stock prices have plummeted.
-Local Taco Bells are closing early and 7-11 has slowed production of their extensive line of frozen burritos.
-In many adult entertainment establishments dollar bills lay dormant and unfolded.
-Throughout the county dozens of people remain entertainless, suffering from a lack of mediocre music, fart jokes and bad dancing.
-Plant workers were sent home due to the lack of demand for fossil fuel, steam and fissionable energy needed to power an Absolute Blue performance.
On the plus side, overall methane emissions are down substantially and citizen complaints have reached an all time low. And we know what you’re thinking: If we’ve shut down who’s writing this?, to which we say, stop being a smartass, ok.
Join us for a Friday night at Squid Lips from 7 to 11…
Or perhaps a Saturday night at Neptune in Satellite Beach from 9 to 1 would suite you…
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/05/13 - 10/06/13
Absolute Blue Cognomenizes
Unfortunately we have received word that the rights to a familiar Absolute Blue catchphrase has been registered and The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love is in violation of said copyright. Turns out that a Tibetan monastery quartet trademarked The Horn Dogs of Love and has apparently lawyered up. We received word from the Chinese equivalent of Saul Goodman, promising a ‘good old fashioned ass kickin’ if we do not cease and desist. So we thought we would take this opportunity to reassign monikers for each band member, which has always worked in the past. In fact, at one time Skip was known as Skipper, Bill was known as Billy, Tom as Tommy and the Horn Dogs as DonandKevin (or KevinandDon). This time we hired outside consultants to fully research each band member, detailing their respective personalities, or lack thereof, and came up with the following:
-He lifts, he separates; he sings, he conjugates. He’s The Donimator
-What’s that strange odor? Why it must be Kevinscent.
-Straight from Keebler it’s the Skipperdoodle, the ultimate in confections.
-Both Igneous and Sedimentary, it’s Tomegranite, the rock foundation.
-Since his given name was already taken by the Black Eyed Peas guy, lo.u.is.
OK, so the last one is a bit of a stretch. Join us for the sole public performance for Absolute Blue Saturday at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…