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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/21/14 - 3/23/14
Absolute Blue’s Diversity
After we at Absolute Blue, again under court order, underwent Sensitivity Training, which we thought would address Skip’s ticklishness, and we looked up what misogyny means, which turns out to be something other than an optical affliction, it’s all starting to make sense. It’s opened up a whole new world for us. We’ve learned to respect the differences between us, no matter how revolting, and open up to each other. Turns out, Bill likes a good cucumber facial peel, Kevin is a licensed aromatherapist, Don’s on his third pedicure this week, Skip had some personal bleaching and Tom picked up Fried Green Tomatoes AND Steel Magnolias on ebay. As a result, we have dedicated a significant time and effort to develop a new line of greeting cards that we will present to a multi media conglomerate, just not Hallmark, who is still pissed at us for our caustic anniversary cards for remarried ex-wives, even though we remain confident that there is still a niche market for them. Be that as it may, our new offerings promise to be an even larger travesty. A sampling:
If you love a band, set it free. If it comes back to you get a restraining order.
Don't walk behind the band; they may not lead. Don't walk in front of the band; they may not follow. In fact don’t walk at all. Run. Quickly. And away.
The band is a many Splenda thing. Seems real at first, then leaves you empty with a bad aftertaste.
The band means never having to say you’re sorry. Or please. Or thank you.
The band will keep us together, like…never mind.
You had the band at ‘I’m calling the cops’.
The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love communicates in a meaningful way this Friday at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30to 9:30…
Then we will be empathizing Saturday at The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…
We finish things up with some mutual respect of your thoughts and feelings Sunday at SBI from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/14/14 - 3/16/14
We have finally received clearance from several government regulatory agencies, corrupt union officials, mendacious municipalities, local brothels and our own questionable legal team and are proceeding with the first ever theme park in Central Florida, if you don’t count all the others. We have put together a list of attractions, rides and shows guaranteed to thrill. Tentatively called Geriatric Park, it will be sponsored by either Viagra or Cialis, depends. We have already created the first attraction, Tilt a Girl, where you can spin the woman of your choice. But we have much more planned:
-Pilates of the Caribbean: A workout for all ye maties and scalawags.
-A Spanish Inquisition themed attraction called Medieval Crimes.
-Hall of Precedents: A review of Supreme Court decisions from Burger to Thomas. It’s Tortally awesome!
-Dusty Rhodes’ Wild Ride: A piss poor trip through wrestling history, even by WWE standards.
-And the food court will contain exclusively Italian food. We call it Pregoland.
-Damp ‘n Mild: It’s really just Don’s lawn sprinkler and a Walmart inner tube to share.
-Jaeger Gardens: Its main features are vomit and despair.
-And making its debut in the park is a ride sponsored by a famous plumbing company that simulates high temperature cooking. It’s called the Kohler Roaster.
But until tickets are available, the next best thing is a Friday night at Kenny D’s in Palm Bay from 9 to 1. This is our first time here so come check out yet another club you can hear The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. It’s located in the Kmart plaza at the Southeast corner of Palm Bay and Babcock…
Second best would be at Sandbar Sports Grille in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, Saturday from 9 to 1…
And it’s finally back to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach Sunday from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/07/14 - 3/09/14
Absolute Blue’s Nostrovia
We at Absolute Blue strongly support the effort that our good friend and esteemed Russian president in his effort to subdue a people who have selfishly rebelled against the country that has provided for them. After all, who would fight against all odds against a country that they came from in exchange for a few simple liberties and taxation with representation? I mean Crimea river already, because… oh, wait…
We at Absolute Blue strongly oppose the strong handed efforts made against the peace-loving Ukrainian people by the war mongering Russian president. I mean all they are really seeking is to break free of the oppressive Soviet apparel and gain the freedom to accessorize. We do, however, take issue with the fact that they have torn down a statue of Lennon in the Kyiv town square, as we would have picked McCartney. And things are so bad in Russia already that the former heavyweight, Vitali Klitschko, is running for president in a showdown they are calling ‘Putin on the Klitsch’. This would be akin to having a slim grillin’ George Foreman running for the US presidency. And he has like 17 sons all named George, which sound like a conspiracy right there, or at least potential tax fraud. So let’s all remember that in Soviet Russia Chuck Norris still kicks your ass…
This Friday we entertain the comrades at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
And Saturday we’re back at The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/28/14 - 3/02/14
Absolute Blue’s FAQ
Throughout the years we have been asked a variety of questions and through painstaking research and spellchecking we have compiled the most common of these into one document. Please feel free to print the following or twitter it or whatever the kids are doing nowadays.
How long has the band been around? Absolute Blue was formed over 20 years ago, however the current lineup has been in place for 15 years, save for a virtual revolving door guitarist position in which one was literally caught.
What type of music do you play? We play a variety of old, older and much older music. Some of which your grandparents danced to.
Any political leanings? The band is decidedly republican, ranging from Bill, who’s so far to the right he’s anti NASCAR, to Don, who is inspired by the hotness of Greta Von Susteren, to Tom, who is a fan of Colbert’s ties, to Skip, who gets his political ideology from the guy in Lizard Lick Towing.
Does Don always dress like that? Yes. He has personally requisitioned several Asian sweatshops to produce shirts with a record number of flowers, palm trees and/or beer mugs per square inch, which has yet to be verified by Guinness. The beer.
How can I log a complaint against Absolute Blue? Please remember to categorize your complaint (physical, emotion or spiritual) and have it notarized in the country, state and/or provincial territory that has jurisdiction for the event in question. Please remember that these are evaluated on a first come first served basis and current wait time is approximately several years.
What’s with that smell? Yeah, well, try breathing through your nose until you get used to it. And you will.
Only one Absolute Blue performance this week, Sunday from 4 to 7 at the Melbourne Elk’s lodge, 211 S Nieman Ave. It’s open to the public and it’s Eli’s birthday, so get on down to the Lodge for a great time for a great cause. Did I mention they have cheap drinks?