Absolute Blue Invitation 7/12/13 - 7/14/13

Absolute Blue Spies

Not to be excluded from any past or present, real or imagined controversy, The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has again been implicated, this time in a surveillance scandal. Documents obtained by several news agencies, Paula Dean and PETA have implied that the organization participated in the compilation and analysis of personal information from a number of different sources, including pizza coupon redemption data, shoe size approximations and crude oil consumption habits, some say to gain an unfair advantage over competitors, vendors or creditors. The simple truth is that since the collection of this data there has not been a single music related tragedy. Coincidence? We think not. In fact we are convinced that our vigilance has prevented numerous incidents of auditory extremism or at least help keep our collective cholesterol levels in check. In the meantime we have officially submitted our application for asylum to the City of Indian Harbor Beach and await approval or any related extradition from a nearby Starbucks. For proof of our information gathering we offer the following:

One Absolute Blue member has made over 5000 prank phone calls to local and state officials warning of an imminent zombie infestation caused by tainted 7-11 frozen burritos.

Another has some 4 dozen outstanding parking tickets under the pseudonym of Baron Van Kilderblaster and has tried unsuccessfully to obtain a passport under that moniker.

Yet another has voted along party lines consistently since 1987, assuming is imprudence considered a party.

When he’s not playing music this member has developed a penchant for late night infomercials and has purchased over $5K worth of shamwows and snuggies.

And another has developed such a fixation on Greta Von Susteren that she has filed restraining orders against him in 10 different countries and as many languages.

OK, so maybe we should have spied on more than ourselves, but that would have required removing oneself from the couch and some actual effort…

This weekend bring us back to Lou’s Blues Friday night from 9:30 to 1:30…

Then Saturday it’s a party at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:00 to 1…

And Sunday we hit Cocoa Beach again, performing at the Sandbar, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 7/04/13 - 7/07/13

Absolute Blue Sanctioned

Absolute Blue returns after being suspended for a week for testing positive for a number of performance enhancing substances. Since this was not their first infraction, their governing body, The Organization{jcomments off} of Musicians International Group for Operational Decency, had no choice but to take immediate and decisive action. The ruling itself is questionable, due to evidence that samples were tampered with, resulting in them being replaced with stunt urine, placed there by disgruntled former employees, gruntled present employees or numerous creditors. The simple fact that OMIGOD has indicated each member of the organization tested positive for a different substance is enough to give one pause. To wit: 

Skip tested positive for Limpocet, a drug designed to counter the effects of a series of other ‘performance enhancing’ drugs as well as promoting good digestion.

Kevin’s sample was tainted with Mopissinol, an antiseptic diuretic which may or may not cause excess elimination. Depends.

Tom was found with Standstillicilin in his system, which reverses the symptoms of vertigo and clears up fungal infections.

Bill tested positive for Arythimicin, which directly affects the central nervous system, encouraging the regularity of meter as well as preventing halitosis.

Don had more than the legal limit of Idunnitol, which produces symptoms of every major pharmaceutical group and is a potent purgative.

We plan to fight these largely baseless and fundamentally unsubstantiated charges with the same incompetency we apply to our music just as soon as we retain legal counsel willing to work for free beer…

In the meantime we present a full weekend of entertainment options for you beginning with a fourth of July afternoon at Sebastian at their 4^th festival from 12 to 2 at Riverview Park, just south of US1 and Sebastian Blvd…

Then Friday it’s back to Squid Lips from 7 to 11…

Saturday it’s The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…

And we wrap up the holiday weekend at Coconuts from 2 to 6 on Sunday…

Absolute Blue Invitation 6/14/13 - 6/16/13

Absolute Blue Returns

We return after a successful weekend in North Carolina where we introduced the Raleigh locals to our own blend of rock and funk which they are still recovering from. After they introduced us to a blend of gin and bourbon that we are still recovering from. During the course of our journey we made a series of operational and strategic decisions regarding the future direction of the organization. We decided that there are a series of jokes, shticks and anecdotes that we have officially relegated to the Absolute Blue archives. This includes Chunks, Pants on the ground and Patrick Swayze jokes. Also being considered for retirement are:

____Never got to Bangor.

____Did you jump?

____But first.

And while we reconfirmed The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love as our official slogan, we are still looking for a new catchphrase. Among the candidates:

____I’m that guy from that thing!

____Da Hoppa.

____I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

____Nobody puts Billy in the corner.

And here’s the best part: You can participate! Simply mark the lame joke or phrase you’d like to hear over and over again and your vote will be tabulated along with several others to make you an informal, unofficial, unauthorized kind of executive producer of the Absolute Blue show!

This weekend hold boundless opportunities to consider yourself entertained, if boundless really means three. We start things off with the Friday Fest in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10...

Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips from 7 to 11…

And Sunday brings us to The Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8….