Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/13 - 2/17/13

Absolute Blue Hocks

Now that football is over, baseball hasn’t started and basketball isn’t interesting yet, we turn our attention to a sport loved by the entire state of Canada, most of Russia, parts of the Ukraine, some of Sweden and a few Lithuanians. Of course I speak of Hockey, which combines the beauty and grace of skating with the pageantry and rivalry of Professional Wrestling. And while popularity of this sport has lagged behind NFL, MLB, NBA, MLS, LPGA, ATP, NASCAR and the Westminster Dog Show, it remains highly popular among key demographics such as Convicted Felons, Those That Have Felony Convictions Pending and Those Most Likely To Commit Felonies. We want to do our part in spreading the word on the brutal combination of balance, skill, speed and violence by providing a summary of common Hockey terms:

Checking: Contact made with the hip, body or other implements to force an opponent to surrender the puck, slow the player down, extract blood from them or to piss him off.

Tripping: Strategic placement of one’s head, torso or appendages in an effort to force an opponent to the ice surface resulting in death, permanent dismemberment or just pissing him off.

Slashing: An intentional maneuvering of one’s stick in an aggressive manner with an intent to cause injury, flinching or to piss him off.

Boarding: When a player uses their own or any borrowed body parts to forcibly run an opponent into the natural barrier that surrounds the ice and keeps blood, phlegm and body parts away from spectators, in an effort to maim, brutalize or simply piss off an opponent.

Spearing: Using the stick blade to voluntarily remove an internal organ, gouge, or otherwise gash another player. Or to piss him off.

Any of the above will result in a penalty, in which the offending player would be relegated to the penalty box where he would feel shame for two, five or ten minutes or perhaps indefinitely for extreme infractions, such as operating a Zamboni under the influence, or ZUI.

Now that you are fully informed of the only internationally recognized sport that permits, if not encourages fighting, we leave you with a single opportunity to get your dose of Absolute Blue this weekend: Sunday at Sebastian Beach Inn from 2 to 6…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/08/13 -2/10/13

Absolute Blue V5R2M1.3

Our technology division has finally released their latest development. After several years, multiple layoffs and thousands of happy hours, they have produced what amounts to a near replication of a sample of a valid QR code. This can unlock untold riches, a Russian woman who wants to chat, a Nigerian dictator’s treasures or you may have just won an Irish lottery. Simply scan the following code from your computer screen, copy it into your Word processing software, print it out, send it with a self addressed stamped envelope to our Corporate headquarters along with a nominal processing fee and we will notify you if you have won any of the above:

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│▪□▫∆∟−⌐ᇫ ─│

│⌂▪◊∞︡─®○▪▫∩│

│≡●◊┌√↨ↄ≠ⅎ︢︢□▫∙│

│⌠∟ⱥ◌└─≠⌂∞│

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As a bonus we also present a bar code that may release knowledge long lost to ancient civilizations, increase your libido or perhaps transport you to an alternate time/space continuum, but before you do, please read and sign the attached waiver that eliminates Absolute Blue Inc. from any damages incurred from an overabundance of intelligence, deconstructing/reconstructing your molecules or suddenly becoming irresistible:

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OK. So it’s really just a bunch of L’s. It’s the spirit of the thing…

And we’re in high spirits for a big weekend beginning Friday at Squid Lips from 7 to 11…

Saturday it’s back to The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…

Then down by the Barefoot Bay from 2 to 6 Sunday…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/01/13 - 2/02/13

Absolute Blue Sports

As we look forward to the impending event that is the Super Bowl, we reflect on the magnificence of competition, as finely tuned athletes perform in an atmosphere of sportsmanship through which we can learn as much about our fellow man as we do about ourselves. But mostly we look forward to the commercials and occasional wardrobe malfunction. And let’s not forget about other spectator sports such as hockey and its glorious violence, the advent of the X Games and its target demographic of 20 something Mountain Dew drinking lost souls, and who can deny the remarkable marketing synergy between Professional Bull Riding and Pabst Blue Ribbon. It is with this in mind that we bring you the lesser known physical accomplishments of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. Little of the below can be documented but we found it on the internet so it has to be true:

Don was conditionally accepted into his High School football team as part of their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Kevin’s efforts to establish Fishing as an Olympic event have to date proved fruitless. However he still considers himself a Weapon of Bass Destruction.

Billy’s once promising baseball career was cut short by a coach that was follicularly insensitive to his needs.

Tom lettered in Croquet and was the Unofficial Recording Secretary for the Full Contact Debate Team.

Although Skip was home schooled, he was into competitive cooking from a young age and assumed a position on his local extreme baking team where his cupcakes were well known for their volatility.

So ends the athletic contributions of Absolute Blue. Perhaps for the greater good…

Join us Friday for our only performance this weekend at Lou’s Blues from 9:30 to 1:30…