Absolute Blue Invitation 1/25/13 - 1/26/13

Absolute Blue Reveals

With respect to the recent controversies surrounding sports figures, we feel obliged to offer some insight that can only come from The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. And with all due respect to Lance, telling us you never use juiced is like Absolute Blue saying they don’t like beer. But as far as hoaxes go, our Corporate headquarters were so concerned that they dispatched a team of lawyers to ensure the validity of all subsidiary/parent communications and guarantee their stature as an upstanding organization, but mostly to cover their collective asses, which is a substantial amount of real estate. Through a series of investigations, surreptitious surveillance and clandestine scrutiny we have discovered the following revelations. Shocking as they may seem, we feel it’s best to disclose this today instead of it being twittered tomorrow:

For seven years Bill has been walking a dog that does not exist. The leash used is also brought into question.

Tom has been paying on a fictitious mortgage for 15 years. Turns out the Bank was also imaginary.

While Don maintains he has been playing the trumpet for 31 years, it’s really been 32.

Through the years Kevin’s fish have only been ‘caught’ from the other side of the counter at Publix.

Skip has been playing nothing but air guitar for 21 years.

So there you have it, we’ve finally come clean. But as my cousin’s husband, or cousband, keeps telling me, never pass up a perfectly good opportunity to shut the hell up…

This weekend it’s not your imagination, it’s Absolute Blue at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…

Then Saturday at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on the river from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/18/13 - 1/19/13

Absolute Blue Naturalized

Now that details have been leaked to several of the internets, a few news agencies and Oprah, Absolute Blue would like to make a statement regarding their individual and collective nationality. While it is true that none of the members were actually born in the United States, a couple were produced in Commonwealth Protectorates or Non Self Governing Territories. When individual applications for US citizenry were denied based on local bias, pending charges and/or personal hygiene, similar applications for acceptance into Burundi, Vanuatu and Uzbekistan were subsequently rejected for even more farcical reasons including fictional references, incomplete job history and grammar. In essence, we are men without a country, guys without a nation, dudes without a place. So we then decided to pool our resources and collectively apply, which Bill agreed to after we explained that Naturalization was much more than being naked. We then submitted the following to our local USCIS registrar, this time with spellcheck on:

Your legal current name and address

Many and Varied

Given Name?

Given back

Relatives with current citizenship

Several step wives, a dozen or so half children and an aunt/cousin

Have you been convicted of a felony?

Today?

Have you been previously married?

Yes

How many times?

3.0 cumulative aggregate, .66 weighted average

How did these marriages end?

All in all, very badly

Have you ever been declared legally incompetent?

Legally no, Incontinent yes

Do you hold any title of nobility?

Desperate Despot, Earl of Hurl, the Discount Viscount

He then called security.

US citizens, illegal aliens and more unite at Siggy's in Palm Bay Friday from 9 to 1...

Then Saturday make sure to get up to Neptune Bar and Grill, formerly the Cove, in Satellite Beach from 9 to 1…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/11/13 - 1/12/13

Absolute Blue Attires

Due to geopolitical concerns, gubernatorial posturing and global warming; after the Arab Spring, Oriental Summer, Lithuanian Fall as well as Rosh Hashanah, our political strategists, lobbyists and several bartenders have determined the time is now to reveal our latest initiative. The delicate balance of embargos, indictments and egalitarian controlled eugenics has produced an environment conducive to our planned marketing initiatives. So we bring to you our latest achievement, after months of research, analysis and jaeger. This market ready line of products is designed to be decorative as well as inconsequential for the newly emerging puppet regime or dictatorship as well as the established autocracy. So we bring you the product core of the newly created Absolute Blue Serviceable Undergarment Redeployment Directive. And through a series of bribes, inducements and sexual favors to a number of regulatory and sedentary officials we bring you the following:

A combination Moroccan hat and candy dispenser we call the Pez Fez.

The Hash Sash: Thigh ties made by shy Thai’s drinking mai tais.

The Gurhka Burka: A gentle, wearable blend of Nepalese repression and Muslim style.

A dark brown headgear marketed to Central Africa, the Coffee Kufi.

The most apologetic of garments, the Imso Sari.

Outerwear for the Mexican Executive, the Head Honcho Poncho.

A sports bra for Indonesian women called the Jug Hugger.

A line of Israeli holiday coverings, the Hanukkah Yamakas.

And for those looking for a mixture of Hebrew and Bavarian styles, the I Am Chosen Lederhosen.

So there you have it. A little something for everyone no matter what your nationality/culture/IQ/Shoe Size...

This Friday it's back to Lou's Blues for more of our nonsense from 9:30 to 1:30...

Then Squid Lips Saturday 7 to 11...