Absolute Blue Invitation 2/12/21 - 2/14/21

Absolute Blue Commercializes

It has long been rumored through the years that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has ‘sold out’. We wish to refute these largely unfounded allegations once and for all. Truth is, selling out would actually involve some type of fiscal compensation, where the closest we’ve come in the past was some lukewarm Old Milwaukee Lights and several off-brand hotdogs.  What has been lacking is a clear, cohesive strategy that aligns with high profile corporate objectives. Like Bruce in a Jeep. Or Bill in a DeVille. We thought about Stray Cat Strut And Wheel Alignment At Taylor Automotive or Make Me Smile At Stadium Dentistry but believed we could do better. Then it was on to Does Anybody Really Know What Timex It Is and 25 or 6 to Ford, which are both clearly lacking in theme and construct. We pitched Gimme Three Steps to Space Coast Orthopedic and were escorted from the building. But we firmly believe that our latest offerings are sure to hit paydirt. Well, some kind of dirt anyway:

-A special Snack Time segment with Some Kinda Wonderful Pistachios.

-Unchain My Heartburn presented by Prilosec.

-Stihl Got The Blues For You, with optional chain saw solo that really shreds.

-Coggins Plumbing presents What I Like About Urinals.

-And the breakup song, You’re Gonna Miss My Oven (Cause it’s Self Cleaning) sponsored by Appliance Direct.

Join us for our first triple header in many, many months, beginning Friday at Malabar Mo’s from 7 to 11…

Then it’s a Saturday evening at Mainstreet in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…

And we finish it back where we started with a Valentine’s Day at Malabar Mo’s from 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/22/21 - 1/23/21

Absolute Blue Instrumentizes

We are all familiar with The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love and their many local performances through the years, but did you know they are all very accompliced musicians? It may be strange to think of them on these terms but in many cases they started out on different instruments and in other cases, where local laws allow, they still maintain these skills across a wide range of the musical spectrum. For example, after having an epiphany on tympani, Kevin auditioned so many times for local bands he became known as the Repercussionist (Back in the 90’s he was known as Rico Clave). And at one point, Bill was very proficient on the Freedom Horn. Tom created the Absolute Bluekelele and Don was so good at woodwinds he was called Oboe Wan Kenobi. I could say that Skip played the harp, but that would make a lyre out of me. But that’s just the start:

-The first time Bill played his piccolo in public, the audience threw tomatoes, proving when the fluting starts the fruiting starts.

-Tom started playing multiple double reed instruments but was told to stop Bassoon as possible.

-Don tried percussion and strings until he was arrested carrying a concealed 9mm glockenspiel under suspicion of committing multiple acts of violins.

-Kevin was in a string quartet until being released for copyright infringement related to his Cello Kitty product line. He claims that he left of his own accordion.

-Skip has played so many bluegrass instruments that he has become known as The Mandolinean.

Join us for a double header this weekend as we return to Malabar Mo’s Friday 7 to 11…

Then it’s back to Kelly’s Burgers & Beers in Melbourne from 7 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/15/21 - 1/16/21

Absolute Blue Investicizes

During our year end audit, we found that while revenue and overall compensation were down significantly last year, we also told 62% fewer fart jokes, made 71% fewer questionable comments and 59% less inflammatory remarks year over year, all historic lows. For the first time we were fact checked and found a typical Absolute Blue performance was comprised of 31% hypocrisy, 26% fabrications, 21% inaccuracies, 17% hyperbole, 12% embellishments and 6% misrepresentations. These will now be the baselines for our business model. But what we are lacking is a sound financial plan for the new year. One financial planner advised us to invest in upscale senior activewear or adult undergarments, depends. We tried 7 different IRA’s until we got IRA8, which really made us mad. We even tried investing in a David Lee Roth IRA but turns out that’s not a thing. Sometimes it seems that retirement is just putting new Goodyears on the old Ford. As a last resort we asked the band and believe it or not these were the best suggestions:

-On the one hand Bill often professes his distrust of technology but still wants to invest in digital assets so he proposes what he calls Hypocrypto currency.

-Unfortunately Kevin’s idea of a balanced portfolio is buying quick picks AND scratch offs.

-Don questioned why there are no investment options for pets, so he started a 401(k9).

-To capitalize on the niche market of couples that fear commitment, Skip suggests investing in Cohabitcoin.

-Tom suggested investing in Annuiteas, specially brewed in green, herbal and oolong varieties.

Please join us for a Friday night at Sunset Waterfront Grill and Bar in Cocoa Beach from 6 to 10…