Absolute Blue Invitation 3/01/19 - 3/03/19

Absolute Blue Designizes

So now we know how 5 culturally diverse ‘musicians’ came together to form The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. But then what? Leading economists have proven that the product name is essential to its success. It needed to be something clever, that inferred what the band was about, but retained the mystery factor. We were unanimous in our choice, but unfortunately Five Old Guys Drinking Beer was already taken. And Below Average White Band seemed too obvious. So we decided each member would be able to name the band on a temporary basis. This is why, thanks to Don, we were known as The Dubious Brothers for a week. Our bassist was responsible for Tomm The Hoople and Kevin was the reason why for a few hours we were called Credence Beerwater Revival. Skip, having recently outdone himself at Taco Bell, christened us Rage Against the Latrine. We strongly considered celebrating our progressive rock roots with Jefferson, Drake and Dahmer, after a starship, a rapper and a serial killer. I mean, what could go wrong? And we don’t have to tell you who wanted to call the band Red Hot Billy Peppers. We then decided to use a combination of those bands that influenced us the most, which left us with the following:

-Stevie Ray Dawn: Guitar virtuosity meets the smoothness of Tony Orlando.

-KC/DC: A blending of the seminal disco band and the down under hard rockers.

-Free Dog Night: Bad Company’s front man joins Chuck, Danny and Cory.

-Earth, Wind and Billy Squire: Funk meets Junk.

-The CommodeDoors: You see what we did here.

Joins us for a Saturday night at Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 9 to 1…

Followed closely by a Sunday afternoon at Malabar Mo’s, at Malabar and US1, from 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/22/19 - 2/24/19

Absolute Blue Originizes

It’s the question we get asked more than any other. Ok, besides, “What’s that smell?” People seem to be interested in the origin of the band. How it all came together. What I can tell you is that it was a simpler time. But also a more vulnerable time. The Soviet nation was in collapse. Disco was in decline. Pet rocks had been discontinued. The beanie baby bubble had busted. People were looking for some direction in their lives. After much bribing, many kickbacks and greasing a few palms (with actual grease) Tom was able to obtain a sizable federal grant to Establish And Promote A Culturally Edifying Product For Pacification And Subjugation Purposes. After many failed attempts, up to and including an attempt to rename traditional chords, such as Aminor, Eflat and G, to Bob, Jimmy and Evelyn, he finally spearheaded an initiative to rent plants out for cross pollination, thereby putting the hor in horticulture. Business boomed until in a reverse sting operation, he was brought up on agriculture prostitution charges, which is apparently a thing. Fortunately, due to an appalling lack of congressional oversight and practically no accountability he was able to use most of the rest of the money to avoid any significant jail time. With the last few dollars he placed a Personal ad in the local newspaper looking for likeminded musicians to form a unique blend of comedy and music, like comusic. Or musedy. Whatever. After that:

-Bill was added through a supplemental draft after his former band tired of his repeated requests to pull his finger.

-Don was drafted as a free agent from the local farm team, where he was released for conduct unbecoming a musician. And with standards that low, you really have to be trying.

-Kevin was added in a five band trade that included future draft picks, right of first refusal (for actual refuse) and several pizza coupons.

-Skip was a walk on following a stint in the Carolina league, where after a failed a drug test, he inexplicably was found with absolutely no illicit substances in his system. He then resigned in disgrace.

Join us for a Sunday at the Crab Stop in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd just north of Main Street, from 2 to 6…

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/19 - 2/16/19

Absolute Blue Relationizes

We were about out of options. We tried networking, cruising Applebee’s, even taking up bowling but to no avail. So it was time to make a bold move. But at our age this could be dangerous. After consulting with the Absolute Blue legal team, a couple of sanitation engineers and a stripper, possibly hooker, named Destiny, we made the decision that we would first try experimenting on animals. We fully understand that this is controversial, but unanimously agreed that due to the potential catastrophic pain and damage involved that this is the prudent choice. So we enrolled a number of household pets onto various online dating services and experienced mixed results. The hamster seemed confused at first, then settled into a steady relationship with a waitress in Minnesota. Others were not so lucky. The goldfish got catfished and the ferret had his heart broken multiple times, but the potbellied pig is now married and a product representative for Hormel’s Newark office with what might be a piglet on the way. Unfortunately we spent most of our budget on product testing, so we were left with the following knock off options:

-Matchstick.com: When you’re in the mood for a little romance. And arson.

-ReHarmony: For those rejected by the popular dating site, sometimes 6 or 7 times. Mostly felons.

-Pharmersonly.com: For rural singles looking for love. And crystal meth.

-DollyMadison.com: For cheaters. Of their diet.

-OKStupid: Nuff said.

Join us for a Friday night at Malabar Mo’s at the corner of Malabar Road and US1, from 7 to 11…