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Absolute Blue Invitation 11/25/15 - 11/29/15
Absolute Blue Thanks
We would like to take this opportunity to give thanks for friends family and the opportunity to spend time with both. And jaeger…
This week we start things out with an unusual Wednesday night pre Thanksgiving party at Tracy’s from 9 to 1…
Then Friday it’s Cricket’s in Melbourne from 9 to 1…
And Saturday we return to Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/19/15 - 11/22/15
Absolute Blue Capitalizes
In an effort to become more fiscally responsible to our employees, Absolute Blue has implemented a series of new funds to ease our employee’s transition into retirement. These include a 402(m), a 400(jk), a 399(lol) and a 501(wtf) and follow the investment strategies of a highly regarded GOP Fiduciary think tank. Unfortunately these hedge funds invested in shrubbery, the large caps were exclusively oversized fedoras, the bonds were only James, our commodities were full of oddities, the arbitrage were garbitrage, the blue chips were flavored Pringles and the short sales were primarily to midgets. We needed a broker and that's exactly how we ended up. As a result we lost our entire $137.
Following that catastrophic loss, we have implemented an entirely new strategy, which we like to call Adopt-A-Dog. This allows you to sponsor the Horn Dog of your choice anonymously, eliminating the smell and potential injury incurred when actually confronting this proud and noble beast. And while you would not be able to take them home, unless you upgrade to the Conjugal Visit plan, your package will include a remarkably lifelike signed photo, a printed certificate designating you as the temporary conservator and periodic visitation rights. And while we are not technically a 503(c), a 506(c) or even a 36(dd) your donation is probably tax deductible, as long as you do not declare it. And for a low monthly payment you can choose to extend your sponsorship through senility or incontinence, depends. Makes a great stocking stuffer!
Another big weekend for The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, starting with private party Thursday night, but then Friday we’re back to Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday…
Saturday it’s back to downtown Melbourne at Matt’s from 6:30 to 9:30…
And finally a big Sunday at Milliken’s at the Port from 2 to 7….
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/13/15 - 11/15/15
Absolute Blue Costumizes
First of all we would like to apologize for the lack of last week's notification. Turns out this daylight savings thing is really throwing us for a loop. We spent most of last week asleep, comatose or hypnotized, which would explain a lot. Rest assured that we have reset all the clocks save for the blinking display on the Blue Ray player cause we can't find the remote or the Manuel. Which is not racist, he's just the only one that knows how it works. At least we were not late for Halloween. And speaking of which, we did not happen upon our Wizard of Oz costumes by chance. It was a carefully informed decision as we are in fact equal parts brainless, heartless and gutless. But there were other concepts considered as well:
-Don't Ask Don't Teletubbies. Sure, it could just be the Purple one, but can we be sure?
-Then we wanted to see who could dress like a Kardashian the fastest but that turned into a drag race.
-We wanted to come as Republican Presidential Candidates but that idea got Trumped. Ha.
-Dressing as five mauled midwestern dentists in a conceptual piece called Cecil's Revenge.
-Our sub atomic particle costume idea broke down as everyone wanted to be bosons and not neutrinos.
-We wanted to be beach bums crusading for women’s rights, or Surfergettes, but turns out they already can vote. Women, not beach bums.
-Then we were all set to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles until Kevin came down with Reptile Dysfunction.
Join us for a full weekend beginning at Malabar Mo’s Friday from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
And then it’s the last SBI of the year Sunday, 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 10/30/15 - 10/31/15
Absolute Blue Filmitizes
Not content with bastardizing a single medium, Absolute Blue is taking on a completely different art form. To continue with our plans for world domination we have created our own film production company, mostly housed in Bill’s garage. This provides us an outlet for some of our extra creative energy and allows us to make use of dozens of costumes, the result of many years of Halloween performances and Tom’s cross dressing. After all, how hard could it be? We’ve even got a casting couch. Well, more like a casting futon. In any case, we have the following projects currently in turnaround:
Midler on the Roof: Bette hosts one of those home improvement shows.
Florence of Arabia: Progressive insurance opens their first Middle Eastern office.
From Here to Maternity: Random Kardashians seek male donors in a vain attempt to maintain relevancy.
Rebel Without A Clause: The ghost of James Dean contemplates converting to Judaism.
Absence of Dallas: A look at the future NFL playoffs without the Cowboys.
The Bridges of Madison County: Reality show starring Jeff, Lloyd and Beau.
Love is a Many Gendered Thing: Again with the Kardashians.
Star Trek: The Wrath of Don: Our trumpet player finally figures out that his favorite show has been cancelled.
The Phantom of the Oprah: Ms. Winfrey buys a haunted theatre.
Tommie Dearest: Wire hangers? No way, bitches.
Thoroughly Modern Billy: He’s got a cell phone and everything.
The Absent Minded Confessor: A confused Matthew McConaughey wanders into a Catholic church.
How to Bury a Billionaire: Liberals unite to subjugate Trump in the polls.
Dohklahoma: The Simpsons move to Tulsa.
Total Recall: An in depth look at the Volkswagen crisis.
Brothello: A documentary on Lamar Odom.
The Passion of the Crist: A piece by piece examination of Charlie’s platform and policies.
In the meantime, please take the opportunity to catch The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier Friday from 6 to 10…
Then it’s time for the big Halloween party Saturday at Matt’s in downtown Melbourne from 8 to 11…