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Absolute Blue Invitation 7/25/14 - 7/26/14
Absolute Blue Skulldruggery
Don is back with us this weekend, fresh from Analpalooza, where he sampled a number of different colonoscopies before deciding on a nice balsamic vinaigrette. But now that he is thoroughly cleansed, he's ready to trump like never before. And although we have been advised to wait until FDA approval, we would like at this time to announce the latest in the Absolute Blue Pharmaceutical line, designed to enhance quality of life as well as very possibly shortening it. Sure there are side effects, but the same can be said for one night stands and the Taco Bell drive through. There were side effects when Jefferson crossed the Delaware. When Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence. Why, this country was founded on side effects. We had them growing up as did our fathers and their fathers before them. Hopefully our children and grandchildren will all have side effects. So while we wait for the Surgeon General to get back to us on Instagram we introduce the following products:
Skipitor: Statin. Converts bad cholesterol to good cholesterol through intimidation, fear and seduction. Part hair clippings, part rhino horn it is also the world’s first afrodisiac.
Kevitra: PDE5 inhibitor for exhibitionors. Four out of 5 doctors recommended Kevitra for their patients that didn’t know any better.
Abillify: Antipsychotic/Decongestant. Do not take Abillify if you might become pregnant or operate heavy machinery. Or if you might get pregnant by heavy machinery.
Trazadon: Antifungal. Not to be taken orally.
Tomiflu: Profungal, just to cover all the bases.
Join us for a crazy Friday night at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30 to 9:30…
Then Saturday it’s The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/18/14 - 7/20/14
Absolute Blue Censored
Due to recent inflammatory remarks directed at heads of state, religious deities and Piers Morgan we are now required by law to submit all correspondence to a regulatory agency for the purpose of censoring the statements, allegations or outright lies that we regularly disseminate. We find this particularly offensive and plan a series of demonstrations to further our cause. It's not enough that we're perpetually on the No Fly List, Jonas Brothers Fan Database and various ED mailing lists but our accusers have cited precedent in the Patriot Act, Affirmative Action and just plain good taste to justify their actions. It's as if our little pop combo from Satellite Beach presents some sort of security risk, other than when Don passed noxious fumes on a US Air flight to Newark. How many times have we told him not to light his farts. In public anyway. I mean the only terror we’ve ever initiated is attempting to play Neil Diamond. We will not stand by and let some random government agency slur the good name of Absolute Blue. We’ll do that through our music. I’ll tell you right now they are messing with the wrong dudes. We will come down on them like a bandnado. So it’s time to put our XXXXXXXX up and give some XXXXXXX to the XXXXX that think they can XXXXXXXX our XXXXX. So get XXXXXX and XXXXXX XX X XXXXXXXXX for any XXXXXX mother XXXXXX, hairy ass XXXXXXX nuts XXXXXXXXXX on a XXXXXXXX XXXX. XXXXX X XXXX XXXXXX X XXXX! Just sayin…
We start a big weekend off with a Friday night at Monkey Bar just across from Paradise Beach in Indialantic from 9 to 1…
Then it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Blvd Saturday from 7 to 11…
And we wind up at SBI from 1 to 5 Sunday for all you XXXXXXXXXX…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/11/14 - 7/13/14
Absolute Blue Converts
It's finally here! The day we've been waiting a lifetime for, when we finally end our outdated isolationism and join the rest of the world in embracing a universal concept and standard. No, we're not renaming soccer, although that's an educated and timely guess. Of course we speak of the long awaited metric conversion, in a part goodwill gesture and part atonement for providing the world with reality tv and fast food. So now we refer to all measurements as kilo, milli or deca, which actually explains why we insist on 10 dances. Sure it will take some getting used to, like measuring our beer in hectares instead of gallons, hitting the beach at 28 degrees and reading the little numbers on your speedometer, but just think of the ease of measurement conversion, simply moving the decimal instead of using arcane, complex mathematical formulas like multiplying by 3. And sure it’ll double if not triple property, income and sales taxes but it's a small price to pay for international conformity. Just think of the illegal immigrants we can put to work changing everything from road signs to the heads up display on the B2 bomber. And we at Absolute Blue are ready to make the necessary changes. For example:
40.234 or 9.6561 to 6.4374
3.2187 Tickets to Paradise
Gimme 4.828 Steps
Summer of 111.0452
Some Kinda 1.69093 derful
It's 9.6561 O'clock Somewhere
80.467 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Anyways, we continue with our lethargy Friday night, but return with a vengeance Saturday night at the Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…
And Sunday it’s back to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/04/14 - 7/06/14
Absolute Blue Communicates
Recent studies have shown that good communication is really good. Communication happens when we speak to other humans, animals or sometimes lamps. Without it we would not be able to wish someone happy birthday or order tacos at the drive through. It’s so important that sometimes we take it for granted. Just imagine if every time we said ‘shoe’ we really meant table. It would perhaps cause a collapse of international markets or at least prove to be a shopping experience to remember at Payless. It is because of this that we have put together the following exercise to aid you in your quest to improve your own form of communication. Let’s get started!
1. Chicken A is at the foul line when the next chicken strikes his arm while shooting. Chicken A has been _________.
2. Jimmy took his turn in line, but when Johnny got up, he started swearing at the cashier. Jimmy is then considered the _________.
3. Player M was tackled by the next player running in the opposite direction. Player M has had an _______.
4. Mary tried unsuccessfully for years to grow mangoes. As a result her efforts have been ________.
5. June was naked again when she took her library books back because she wanted them ________.
6. The new landfill regulations gave the operator the ability to reject the initial load each day, which became known as the right of first ________.
We trust that these are helpful and look forward to assisting you in the future. In the meantime, however, please join us for a post-holiday celebration at Squid Lips in Melbourne, Saturday from 7 to 11…
Then Sunday we’re back at the Sandbar at the end of 520 in Cocoa Beach from 4 to 8…