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Absolute Blue Invitation 1/02/14 - 1/03/14
Absolute Blue’s Annualization
It’s that time of year again, when we reflect upon the progress made this year, evaluate objectives, review goals, assess performance then weep silently as we prepare for our annual shareholders meeting, where we undoubtedly will have a lot of splainin to do. To be sure, some goals remain unfulfilled, but this is by design for if all our goals are met we would have nothing else to live for and would most probably need to be put down. And while operationally we have accomplished much, many strategic initiatives lie dormant and largely ignored, like much of our music. And we have completed steps one and two of the plan outlined in Global Domination for Dummies, which consist of buying the book and opening it. Unfortunately we have made significant investments in infrastructure repurposing that make about as much sense as ordering takeout from Hooters. Some of the other highlights from the annual report:
-While trips to the ER are down dramatically, urgent care visits are up significantly and fungal infections still run rampant.
-Operating revenue and cash outflow are flat, like most of the notes played last year.
-We did not become, nor did we dance with, stars.
-Our international fan club expansion initiative was limited to a single elderly Western European woman known as the Albanian Octogenarian.
-We learned 3 new songs and 5 new jokes in 2014, both new records.
-We have made frequent and generous donations to the Global Methane Project.
-Our planned revenue stream for used body parts did not come to fruition after we were told that human livers cannot be shared, which severely affecting our bottom line.
Should we survive New Year’s Eve, please join us for a disjointed Friday night at the Monkey Bar in Indialantic, across from Paradise Beach, from 9 to 1…
And if not that, or because of that, meet us Saturday at the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, again from 9 to 1…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/19/14 - 12/20/14
Absolute Blue’s Reality
As we look back on 2014, one glaring fact seems to stand out. Of the plethora of reality TV ideas we have submitted this year none have come to fruition. And while this differs none from the year before, or even the year before that, we truly felt that this was the year that we would take America by storm and finally get the recognition we so sorely deserve. Where else can otherwise unknowns catapult into superstardom with a simple premise or catch phrase? Undeterred by a universal lack of bad taste we push on with even more ideas to appeal to the lowest American denominator:
-Don and Kevin Plus Seven: A documentary featuring the horn dogs and their newly adopted litter of wildebeests.
-The Octotom: Thanks to the magic of cloning, Tom now has to deal with 8 additional marginally talented smartasses.
-Nude and Bewildered: Where we learn the agony of sunburn and either the beginnings of incontinence or incomplete bladder evacuation, depends.
-American Pickers: A new take on a favorite theme, where unsuspecting drivers are caught in various stages of nasal distress.
-Bandzillas: See what happens when they find out there’s part skim provolone in the deli tray and Sam’s Own champagne in the limo.
-The Biggest Boozer: Really no contest here.
-Skippervention: Skip applies his decidedly North Carolinian sensibilities to unsuspecting contestants. Mayberry well be the best show ever.
-So You Think You Can Perform Multivariable Calculus: The Big Bang cast competes for algorithmic based prizes.
-Brevard’s Got Ability: A countywide talent show with like cows jumping rope and whatnot.
Hopefully these will not join our other failed pilots including Here Comes Billy Boo Boo, Extreme Makeover: Band Edition and Growing up Yearty…
Catch us this Friday at Malabar Mo’s at Malabar and US1 from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30 to 9:30…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/12/14 - 12/13/14
Absolute Blue’s Appalls
Unfortunately our recent batch of Absolute Blue apps appears to be missing a critical component. Turns out the contract for the more then generous federal grant money we strategically squandered on lottery tickets and lap dances specifically stated that we develop and deploy a Personal Identification Generator, you know, the ones that ask you a series of questions and it tells you what Castaway, Pokemon or Jonas brother you are. So in a vain attempt to mitigate any potential litigation, fine or time out we have slapped together the following and will deploy the necessary process by alternate means, i.e. this correspondence. So jot down your favorite president, pope, reindeer, dwarf, epoch, dynasty, 19th century impressionist and sock type. Carefully guard your answers to no one sees, then use the following to decode which band member you most closely identify with:
Bill: McKinley, Paul VI, Blitzen, Sneezy, Devonian, Han, Degas, Crew
Kevin: Taylor, John XVII, Donner, Dopey, Miocene, Xia, Monet, Ankle
Don: Fillmore, Pius XII, Comet, Grumpy, Triassic, Shang, Renoir, Compression
Skip: Taft, Benedict VI, Vixen, Bashful, Holocene, Jin, Cezanne, Tube
Tom: Rice, Leo XIV, Prancer, Sleepy, Paleocene, Yaun, Manet, Support Hose
Apparently Tom was confused over Condoleezza being a part of that football thing. And if you are none of the above you are most likely Rene…
Join us for more holiday festivities at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Blvd, from 7 to 11 Friday…
Then it’s a return to Shady Oaks, at the corner of Babcock and Malabar Road, from 9 to 1 Saturday…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/05/14 - 12/06/14
Absolute Blue Plays On
This week marks an historic event, unparalleled in modern times. For the first time ever a disparate group of leaders of the free world converge with the sole purpose of making decisions that affect each and every one of us. No, it’s not global warming, as the Democrats have that figured out. And it’s not the growing worldwide shortage of water as that is well in hand. It could be the growing threat of Near Earth Objects and the development of collision avoidance systems, but it’s not. It should be the radicalization of worldwide banking practices but, again, it’s not. Instead we speak of the first ever College Football Playoffs and the team tasked with selecting the teams, consisting of Condoleezza Rice, a random Kardashian and I think Betty White. With such sports knowledge and experience we can only hope that ‘body of work’ pertains to cheerleaders. But unbeknownst to many, the group’s power goes well beyond team selection, to include:
-Game venues to be coordinated in observance of other major sporting events such as the Westminster Dog Show, World Series of Poker and Cheerleading Regionals.
-Commercial spots, taking a cue from the Super Bowl. In related news, Jake from State Farm has been benched for the playoffs due to conduct unbecoming a fictional character.
-Halftime entertainment. Fortunately they have already procured legendary Philippine tribute band Manilla Ice.
-In the rare event that they cannot perform, an alternate island tribute band has been lined up, Manilli Vanilli.
-Game time decisions such as determining the home team as having the least number of felony convictions, the least outstanding warrants or the fewest complaints filed.
-Assigning new names to the teams such as Chippendales or Hot Tamales as well as team colors, potentially contrasting earth tones with pastels.
-Creating competitive matchups based on egalitarian or socioeconomic principles, populist ideologies or untraceable cash payments.
Anyways, we will be anxiously awaiting this learned groups decision, but before that, join us for a Friday night at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…