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Absolute Blue Invitation 1/22/16 - 1/23/16
Absolute Blue Normalizes
For years and perhaps centuries musicians have faced the same frustrations. Inherent within our craft is the same limited nomenclature that has existed since the beginning of time or perhaps even before. Due to a number of factors which may but most probably have nothing to do with a lack of alphabetical development, complete absence of foresight or simple laziness, we have been relegated to work with the same inadequate naming convention to describe the music we produce. When originally creating this codification, we started off fine with the note now called ‘A’ but ran out of ideas soon after, then started repeating. Sure, any ‘A’ played has similarities, but can also differ greatly in tone and timbre. Just imagine if we did that with numbers, where sometimes 13 would mean 26 or even 39. Sure, your mortgage rate may go down but calculating sales tax would be a nightmare. So we at The Absolute Blue Research and Development Unit have proposed the following to clear this up once and for all:
-Adding a numeric value to the note to designate its octave. So that A1 would represent the lowest frequencies, registering only to whales and perhaps crocodiles, and A22 would be relegated to dogs and screech owls. The problem would be getting these animals to understand these designations, much less get them to write them down.
-Replacing the letter designation with a noun, which could even be used to define the loudness of the note, eliminating the existing French words that nobody really understands. So the Titanium or Magneto would be played loudly while oasis or cellar would indicate a soft execution of the note in question.
-Assigning a proper name, thereby making it more personal. This could even apply to more popular notes, which could be called Steve or Robert, while Malachi and Jedidiah would sit on the musical bench, alone and friendless.
-The most popular suggestion however is to attach Corporate sponsorship to each note, so that each time it is played the related company is compensated, with Absolute Blue Inc. receiving a sizable share. This has gone over well with our lawyers and may provide the answer to a sagging steel industry.
We scored a last minute gig at Malabar Mo's Friday from 7 to 11...
Then join us Saturday night at Monkey Bar in Indialantic, just south of Eau Gallie, across from Paradise Beach from 9 to 1…
Absolute Blue Invitation 1/15/16 - 1/17/16
Absolute Blue Organizes
In a rare example of unity, the members of Absolute Blue have banded together to combat what they feel is oppressive behavior by management, citing a hostile work environment and forced consumption of vast quantities of lukewarm Old Milwaukee Lite. As a result, they have unanimously voted to organize against the tyranny of their repressive governing body. Now that they are fully vested they are looking to be dinner jacketed or at least cumberbunded. However, initial efforts to join the American Federation of Musicians union fell through as Tom, being a bass player, did not qualify. We then tried the International Brotherhood of Pallbearers, Panhandlers and Pawnbrokers who would not answer our texts, the United Association of Journeymen and Apprentices of Hobos, Vagrants and Itinerants Local 727, who have not responded to our group chat invitations and the National Guild of Smugglers, Pirates and Associated Services, who have blocked all subsequent emails. In a highly questionable decision, however, the Amalgamated Goat Milkers and Sheep Handlers Cooperative have agreed to take us under their banner and allowed us access to their bargaining table. Tom, being a member of both the band and management, will literally need to sit on both sides. It is a rare case where cloning himself back in ’83 has paid off. For illustrative purposes we will call him George Cloney. A list of demands follows:
-Since few holidays fall on a weekend, creation of new and imaginative holidays such as Groundchuck Day, where if the butcher sees his shadow there are 6 more weeks of meat specials, and the religious observance of Ram a Don, similar to Whack a Mole, where we get to repeatedly smack our trumpet player in the head.
-Company matching funds to enhance investments, so that for every dollar contributed to an exotic dancer’s garter, Tom will place a quarter.
-Increased number of sick days for all, which should be in place just as soon as Rene learns some more instruments.
-More frequent restroom breaks. That or an onstage trough. Depends.
-Institution of supplemental insurance. Unfortunately Aflac has a very high deducktable.
-Innovative and creative major medical plans, including organ sharing, where one can use another band member’s pancreas, gall bladder or spleen for the weekend.
Do not fear the weather as Friday promises mid 70’s for our return to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Drive from 7 to 11…
Similarly balmy conditions are expected Saturday for our Melbourne Squid Lips performance again from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/31/15 - 1/02/16
Absolute Blue Extracts
As we close in on another year’s passing we should be spending time in quiet reflection upon the significant accomplishments of the previous 12 months and celebrate the fact that we have met many of our goals for 2015. Unfortunately the Absolute Blue Inc fourth quarter fiscal returns have been posted and we find ourselves on the brink of financial disaster, primarily based on our substantial investments in online poker and fantasy football. This means cutbacks across the board, including research and development and personnel benefits so don’t expect any new songs and prepare for a significant lack of hygiene in 2016. Also as a result of this crisis we have no choice but to close a majority of our worldwide operations thereby thwarting our global mission to extend the Absolute Blue doctrine and expand the proclivity of fart jokes universally.
But before we say goodbye to Dubai, so long to Hong Kong, auf Wiedersehen to South Brisbane, see you later to the equator, bon voyage to Joe’s garage, aloha to Mongolia, adieu to Peru, hasta la vista to the Sandinistas, cheerio to Sanantonio; we must say farewell to Sabadell, ciao to Krakow, we will need to depart from Stuttgart, we will leave from Geneveve as we disappear from Davangere…
New Year’s Eve we will be playing a private party, but join us this Saturday from 6:30 to 9:30 at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne where we will be partaking in the time honored tradition of the breaking of the New Year’s resolutions…
And be sure to make plans for our Steagles performance, Friday, Jan 8, from 8 to 12 at US1 and Eau Gallie...
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/18/15 - 12/19/15
Absolute Blue Awakens
Due to unforeseen circumstances, scheduling conflicts, absence of malice, absinthe of Alice, the presence of Hanukkah , the presents of Christmas, near earth objects, local warming, lunar degeneration, polar cap degradation, Pentecostal radicalization, totalitarian globalization, ecological disintegration, national trumpification, fascist deliberation, groundwater contaminazation, armament proliferation, rampant spay/neuterification, nuclear cognitive recognition, hypothetical manifestations, habitual hoarding, holiday lethargy, video surveillance, musical espionage, free shipping, international currency devaluation and theoretical randomization, we have but one public performance before the end of the year. Please join us this Friday at PC Keats in downtown Melbourne, at New Haven and Vernon, just a block east of Matts, from 7 to 11 Friday. It’s a special after party for the Star Wars premier so plan on some lame references to storm trooping, ewoks and whatnot. May the farts be with you…