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Absolute Blue Invitation 8/28/15 - 8/29/15
Absolute Blue’s Clearance
It’s our huge summer clearance blowout! Everything must go! We need to get rid of all the old old songs and make way for the new old songs. And for a limited time it’s zero down, zero payment, zero due at listening. I know what you’re asking yourself. How do we do it? Simple. We deal in volume. In some cases we’ve played the same song thousands of times. Yeah, we should be able to play them better by now, so the least we can do is pass the savings on to you.
This weekend only, it’s our LOGO special. Listen to one song and get the next ABSOLUTELY FREE! (second song must be of equal or lesser artistic value). Think you’re gonna get that kind of deal from The Kore? Or Greg and/or Brian? Yeah, well maybe, but still.
You are receiving this special offer as a long-time and valued Absolute Blue customer. As a result, please stare at the computer screen unblinking for the next 30 minutes or so until we get around to a retina scan to prove that you are who you say you are and not some Indonesian hacker bent on world domination by infiltrating third rate musical organizations.
I know what you’re asking yourself again. How can we afford to literally give away music? What about taxes, administrative fees, licensing fees, legal fees, parole violation fees and bribes? We cover these through a series of savvy long term financial decisions. For example our recent substantial investment in Ashley Madison is sure to pay off big. And that was only made because we love their little snack cakes.
Make sure to join us this weekend as we take Labor Day weekend off. Friday it’s back to Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30 to 9:30…
Saturday it’s Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 8/21/15 - 8/23/15
Absolute Blue Communicates
Effective communication is essential to any successful organization and Absolute Blue is no different. Maybe a little different. Ok, a lot different as they primarily converse in a series of grunts and sneers. An independent consulting firm we hired from craigslist for pocket change and a case of Old Milwaukee Light has identified three areas where improvement can be made; verbal, non-verbal and olfactory. Unfortunately semaphore is no longer an option after Skip, attempting to signal a Lynyrd Skynyrd song by waving a confederate flag, caused a national uproar. Instead we are attempting to break new ground by alternating burps and farts in a kind of stinky morse code. We have also come to realize that the quick, efficient dissemination of band communication is essential so that messages like “Out of beer”, “Something’s burning” or “Sing, bitch” are not lost. After all, why spend several sentences explaining the complexities of a given set of circumstances when a simple hand gesture will convey the spirit and volatility of the situation. Hopefully we will not repeat the Trust Exercise where we stood behind Billy to catch him from falling. Unfortunately he fell forward and knocked himself right out. As a result, I believe we will stick with flash cards with dirty limericks on them. We also have defined individual goals as follows:
-Don will no longer be calling Dionne Warwick in an attempt to communicate with the dead. All they ever do anyway is complain about Elvis and ask about prime time tv.
-Kevin will no longer talk to the fish, both imaginary and smoked. He will use other methods to make new friends and improve his fish dip.
-Skip promises to control his pronounced drawl into an intelligible series of guttural mutterings based upon irate New Yorkers.
-Bill promises to never again write set lists in Sanskrit or other dead languages.
-Tom banana feel door went five letter big.
We start off a big weekend with a strange Friday night at 5 to 10 at Milliken’s at the Port…
Saturday we return to Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
And Sunday it’s the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at 520 and A1A, from 4 to 8…
Absolute Blue Invitation 8/07/15 - 8/08/15
Absolute Blue Mythos
Few people realize the strong ties that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has to Latent Comparative Presbyterian mythology. This little known sect borrows heavily from Estonian and Lithuanian folklore, probably due to their innate inability to personify the natural phenomena to truthful or hyperbolic accounts of historical events or perhaps to explain the extensive use of potlucks and rummage sales. In any case, this helps convey belonging, shared and spiritual experience, behavioral models, and moral and practical lessons. We find similar references in speech, attire and presentation at any Absolute Blue performance, sans the smell. These subtle nuances are specifically designed to enhance the viewing experience and distract from the decidedly pedestrian auditory emanations. And should this fail we go back to fart jokes. But these components have found their way into other aspects of their lives as well:
-During Kevin’s extensive Navy career he was at one point tasked with creating a public service announcement once they hit port and the ‘Don’t let Medusa seduce ya’ slogan was born.
-Tom marketed his own brand of mead he liked to call Zeus Juice, but was sued when it was found to be lukewarm Old Milwaukee Light.
-Forget Magic Mike. Skip at one time patented his own erotic one man show entitled “Hercules, sure to please”.
-Don tested a male enhancement product that had no clinical basis for success and even after years of side effects he is still known as “Neptune in the Bedroom”.
-Bill created an athletic shoe specifically designed to provide additional support in favor of his bone spurs on both heels aptly named “Achilles of Billy’s”.
So before Thor, get your Posiedon beside him with the Juno you know keep this Venus between us and get on out to Tiki Bar in Sebastian this Friday from 7 to 11…
Then it’s a brand new venue, Grind & Grape, Saturday from 8 to 12, at 925 Bougainvillea Lane in Vero Beach. It’s just off Ocean Drive, two blocks south of 60. It’s the world’s only Wine Bar/Coffee House…
Absolute Blue Invitation 7/31/15 - 8/01/15
Absolute Blue Villages
Nestled in the heart of Cocoa Village lies one of the areas hidden treasures. Known for its food as well as its views, Ryan’s Pizza and Pub now ads music to the menu. Located on Harrison Street, just around the corner from Cocoa Village Playhouse and across the street from Riverfront Park, Ryan’s offers amazing panoramas of both the village and the water. Sure Ryan’s is world famous for the pizza, but where else are you going to find Irish Nachos? It’s even (horn) dog friendly. “Best I ever had”, says Bill, perhaps referencing the food. “Makes Dominos their bitch” says Skip, clearly with an attitude. “Get on down here or we’ll come over to your house”, says Kevin, sounding more intimidating than usual. “Fourteen, sorry now thirteen beers on tap”, says Tom after polishing off several pints. “I had to go but then thought it was on Thursday” says Don, clearly misunderstanding any and all questions. Feeling adventurous? Looking for a new venue to relax and cut loose with good friends, great food and questionable music? Saturday night at Ryan’s is the place to be, 7 to 11…
And if that’s not enough, we offer up a Friday night at Tracy’s from 9 to 1. It’s in Suntree, just 1.5 miles north of Pineda on Wickham…