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Absolute Blue Invitation 4/21/17 - 4/22/17
Absolute Blue Animizes
Please forward this highly specialized notification to your pet or the highest ranking animal in your household:
Cat: Meow, meow, purr, meow, (sleep).
Dog: Woof, woof, ruff, ruff, ruff, woof, bark!
Pig: Wallow. Wallow. Wallow. Wallow (bacon).
Fish: (woeful expression of desperation).
Bird: Chirp, Chirp, Chirpees (window).
Hamster: Spin. Spin, spin, spin (poop).
Cow: Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo (burgers).
Chicken: Crock of doodle doo!
Llama: Yak. Yak. Yak. Yak (spit).
Join us for our only public performance of the week, Saturday night at Coconuts from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/07/17 - 4/09/17
Absolute Blue Surgerizes
In the spirit of transparency and against the wishes of legal counsel, like that time Tom was bitten by that dog and the poor puppy had to go through rabies shots, or when we were convinced Bill was pregnant, or when our guitarist contacted what is now known as Skiphlis, or when Don gave blood and they gave it back, or when Rene’s x-rays came back x-rated, we would like to announce that one of the members of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love is having some work done. Just imagine, Bill may return with that finely sculpted butt he has always dreamed of, Tom might get that wart removed and Don may come back as Donna. The possibilities are endless! Unfortunately under the Hungry Hungry HIPAA act we cannot divulge the specific details of any employee’s medical history. So we have determined a Clue-like way to guess who, what, where and how this procedure was performed. Choose your favorite:
____Don, with a surgical grade scalpel, in a hospital, curing his rotator cuff.
____Bill, with Nancy Gray, on tv, curing his rampant conservatism.
____Tom, with a series of electric shock treatments, in a dirty alley, curing his ongoing hysteria.
____Skip, with a series of blue pills, taken orally, curing his electile dysfunction.
____Kevin, with a half-gallon of botox, administered in a soiled Motel 6 bed, curing his Thin Lip Syndrome.
Join us for a Friday night down south in Vero, at Grind and Grape, on Bougainvillea, just off Ocean Blvd beachside, from 9 to 12…
The Saturday it’s an afternoon at Sand Bar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
And then our return to The Old Fish House in Grant, for the Blessing of the Fleet, Sunday from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/17/17 - 3/18/17
Absolute Blue Bracketizes
We know. We’ve been there. When all is right with the world. The future is wide open and anything is possible. You feel good about where you are, about how things are going. Then 30 minutes later you sit alone in the dark wondering what happened. Your last trip to Golden Corral? Maybe. The last in a long string of first dates? Probably. Election night? Absolutely. But this is the time of year we start talking about our tournament picks, or as it become known, our Frack It Bracket. Sure, prior years have left us emotionally scarred, spiritually drained and psychologically traumatized, but it doesn’t have to be the case this year. As an added service to our exceedingly average musical abilities, Absolute Blue Inc. brings you the latest analysis of all 75 March Madness games, 31 NIT games as well as the 3 other teams not participating in the post season, left to ponder their transgressions personally and professionally. So we unleash the full power of our observations, insight and historical examination of both tournament tough teams as well as cinderellas, because if there’s one thing we know, it’s our Disney princesses. Behold our selections:
-Bill: Florida State: Rating: 88.67 P: 88.87 GM: 88.32 R: 88.25: Chosen not so much for their speed and transition game as their second consecutive week without a felony conviction.
-Skip: Gonzaga: Rating: 94.62 P: 94.69 GM: 94.47 R: 94.53: Their single regular season loss and impressive bench contribution make them a solid pick, but Skip insists they will win it all based on the quality of their mascot.
-Don: Villanova: Rating: 93.93 P: 93.67 GM: 94.36 R: 94.60: Sure their strength is their 3 point shooting but Don prefers them based on their cheerleaders. Even the girls.
-Kevin: North Carolina: Rating: 93.32 P: 93.66 GM: 92.79 R: 92.38: Granted their fearsome frontline rebounding generates more shots than any other team, but Kevin was sold when he found that their free throws were actually valued at over $5 a shot.
-Tom: West Virginia: Rating: 92.84 P: 93.13 GM: 92.38 R: 92.05: Even with more forced turnovers per possession than any team in college hoops, we still had to remind him that they are limited to only 5 players. At a time.
Friday night we invade Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…
And Saturday come on out to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/10/17 - 3/12/17
Absolute Blue Jests
We at Absolute Blue are fortunate that our founding fathers had the foresight to plan for a number of different contingencies related to operations and performance, contained in the appropriately titled Farticles of Confederation. These cover such topics as Don’s wardrobe, Tom’s hygiene and Bill’s political ramblings, which have all been subjects of punitive measures in the past. But also included in our charter is a provision for dealing with ‘jokes’. There is specific protocol regarding these as part of the Absolute Blue bylaws. Or transgender laws. Whatever. As a result, each ‘joke’ is evaluated on its own merit and is therefore held accountable. And should a ‘joke’ go ‘bad’, there is due process to maintain the standard by which the organization has become known for, with the end goal being public safety. And should the ‘joke’ be found to be distasteful or out of line with the human condition, the resulting judgment can range from a simple time out to capital punishment. Each member in good standing can bring charges against said ‘joke’ and in turn will need to answer for the pain and suffering caused. For example we have the following in various stages of the judicial process:
-All This Time In Maine And Never Got To Bangher: Guilty, awaiting sentencing.
-How’s Your Sex Life, I’m Holding My Own: Currently out on bond, held over for trial.
-She’s Already Got Maracas: Released early on good behavior, however most likely a repeat offender.
-Dyslexic Guy Walks Into A Bra: Charges dismissed as mistrial was declared when it did not meet ‘joke’ standards.
-Agnostic Dyslexic Guy Doubts Existence Of Dog: Theological precedence notwithstanding, we don’t even get it.
-Chunks: Currently serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole.
This weekend it’s another doubleheader at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday and Saturday.