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Absolute Blue Invitation 4/29/16 - 4/30/16
Absolute Blue Identifies
We are fortunate to live within a culture that actively acknowledges and embraces those individuals that personally relate to unconventional behavior, outside of societal norms. Be it transgendered, transspecial, translucent or transcendent, society is willing to accept you for the uniqueness of your modified self. And because of all this confusion over which bathroom to use, we, as a leader in outside the litterbox thinking, have decided that during an Absolute Blue performance we will either go outside or hold it, depends. But we would like to take this time to get to know you better, because the more we know about you the more we can create a more vital and relevant product to present to you including tailoring the music and fart jokes to your specific needs. After all, we don’t know enough about Skip and altogether too much about Tom. And the more we know about each other the more ways we can truly connect and ridicule each other. So please take a moment to answer the following:
Which do you identify with Botanically?
___Dutch Elm ___Live Oak ___ Smart Ash ___Crap Myrtle ___Loose Spruce
Which do you identify with Tyrannically?
___ Ghengis Kahn ___Ivan the Terrible ___Stalin ___Pol Pot ___Rex
Which do you identify with Judicially?
___Felony ___Misdemeanor ___Statute ___Tort ___Pop Tort
Which do you identify with Mechanically
___Crowbar ___Socket Wrench ___Pneumatic Drill ___Chisel ___Plunger
Which do you identify with Chromatically?
___A ___C# ___Db ___E ___Gmdim7/5
Which do you identify with Dramatically?
___Patrick Swayze ___Sam Elliot ___Robert Duval ___Steve McQueen ___Cher
Which do you identify with Mathematically
___Pi ___Hypotenuse ___Cosine ___Equilateral ___Equiliberal
Which do you identify with Grammatically?
___I ___Me___He ___She___It
And remember we at Absolute Blue take confidentially very seriously and would never share your answers with anyone. Unless it’s really funny.
Join us for the only Absolute Blue performance this weekend, Friday at Tiki Bar in Sebastian from 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/15/16 - 4/17/16
Absolute Blue Apocalypses
It has been foretold by many different sources that one man would come to power and bring about the end of times. Or at least the end of daylight savings time. Revelations in the Bible, the Shemot of the Torah and the April issue of Good Housekeeping all say the same thing. And it pertains not only to our current political climate but also worldwide events that indicate the imminent chaos and tumult. Even in Florida a bicyclist crossing the state was arrested in the nation’s first case of pedalphilia. More and more people are convinced they can fly, which could easily become Peter Pandemic. If we keep heading in this direction we’ll go from “Can’t wait to vote in this year’s election” to “Can President Trump really do that?” to “Can’t wait until this year’s Purge”. But it’s not only humans we have to worry about. Turns out even nature is getting into the act:
-In China the bears have revolted, creating a nationwide state of Pandamonium.
-The bovine flu, once only found in cows, has now been found in humans, which officials say could be Cattleclysmic.
-American songbirds are establishing their own social structure that naturalists are describing as an Orioligarchy.
-Even the smallest of creatures are planning Antarchy.
-The organization of smaller mouse species only adds to the Voleatility.
-Farm animals seem to also be affected as sheep have turned against their keepers in what can only be described as Mutinous Mutton.
-Throughout the coast of North America the shore birds are organizing in what could be called a Pelicanspiracy.
-In Africa the animals are organizing differently based on an accumulation of resources beginning with the Giraffluent.
-It has even spread to Australia where officials warn it could become Kangaruinous.
Join us this Friday at Steagles in Melbourne, on Cypress just northwest of US1 & Eau Gallie, from 8 to 12…
And Sunday it’s back to SBI where, weather permitting, we will be playing Oceanside from 1 to 5…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/08/16 - 4/11/16
Absolute Blue Ecologizes
Much has been written about the Indian River Lagoon, with its imperiled status, runoff issues and more fish killed in the last week than Kevin has in a lifetime. Sure it gets a lot of attention, but what of Brevard’s other waterways, that we rely upon for our very lives? Surely IRL isn’t the sole potential aquatic disaster. It is because of this we have established Save Our Streams, Creeks, Rivers, Brooks, Canals and Tributaries or SOSCRBCT. This program allows local bands to adopt a failing waterway and take responsibility for its well-being. Our obvious choice is Goat Creek, for its importance throughout history. It is well known for halting the Lutheran advance during the third Protestant invasion of 1638, as the communal meeting spot where early settlers would relieve themselves and was the site of the area’s first established brothel in 1757. Unfortunately the once pristine aquifer has now been reduced to a slow flow of moderately toxic sludge. Now even the casual observer will notice its obvious lack of goats, but a complete analysis using spectromal resonancing and chromatical imagining shows that the creek is 12% tungsten, 15% methane, 10% beer cans, 21% plastic, 2% urine and 0% goat, roughly the same composition of Old Milwaukee Light.
We have an assortment of ideas for this project. Don wants to remove the bad water, then replace it with a nice bottled spring water. Skip wants to halt the water flow, then focus it through a narrow passage in a form of a Britta Dam. Don wants to introduce exotic carnivorous plants to filter the water organically. Tom would rather work out a trade for another reasonably priced body of water or remove it completely, resulting in the first ever creekectomy. Bill wants to wait until the Liberals clean it up.
Just imagine if every band was as committed to community service and environmental issues as Absolute Blue: Making Music Great Again…
Friday it’s back to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach from 7 to 11…
Saturday we invade Grind + Grape in Vero Beach, at the corner of Ocean and Bougainvillea, from 8 to 12…
And Sunday come to the Port for an afternoon at Millikens, 2 to 7…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/01/16 - 4/02/16
Absolute Blue Legalization
It has come to our attention that some bands do not have legal representation on retainer. This seems highly unusual as this is one of our highest budget expenditures. Perhaps they meant something else when they said we needed protection. But a quick googling shows that this may be needs driven. Looks like The Kore has no collective arrest record and The Divas barely have a parking ticket between them. We are at a loss to explain the legal harassment of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love other than to mention the dramatic increase in Presbyterian on Presbyterian crime or the questionable practice of profiling aging, flatulent, impoverished and marginally skilled musicians for routine offenses such as corpuscular turpitude or demonstrative improbity. The band has been involved in so many legal proceedings, they now have their own actionable figures. It’s a constant game of Tort and retort. So much so that Bill’s legal briefs are Fruit of the Looms. It’s important to remember that we were the first to propose a drive through to get disputes settled that we call an arbitration station and when Don was feeling depressed about his court date he became the first despondent respondent. But enough of our accomplishments, let’s take this time to recap our guest appearances on some not so well known legal series:
-FLA Law: Don’s candy lawsuit ends in a skittle acquittal.
-Better Still, Bill: Starring our own Billy, the Perjurative Conservative.
-Criminal Mine’s: Tom tries to steal a Dyson which turns out to be a vacuum cleaner misdemeanor.
-Slaw & Odor - SUV: Skip takes a group of ex-cons to Busch Gardens for the very first Paroller Coaster.
-Criminal In Tent: Kevin’s camping show that features a Viagra lawsuit including an Erectile Dysfunction Injunction.
-Lost In Legal: Brought to you by the Absolute Blue Copyright Infringement Division, where we put the play in plagiarism.
-The Firmentation: It was his statement against mine, a kind of affidavit and Goliath.
We also put the lie in libel, the buy in bible and the try in tribal…
Join us for a Friday night at Keith’s Oyster bar at the world famous Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…