Absolute Blue Invitation 11/19/15 - 11/22/15

Absolute Blue Capitalizes

In an effort to become more fiscally responsible to our employees, Absolute Blue has implemented a series of new funds to ease our employee’s transition into retirement. These include a 402(m), a 400(jk), a 399(lol) and a 501(wtf) and follow the investment strategies of a highly regarded GOP Fiduciary think tank. Unfortunately these hedge funds invested in shrubbery, the large caps were exclusively oversized fedoras, the bonds were only James, our commodities were full of oddities, the arbitrage were garbitrage, the blue chips were flavored Pringles and the short sales were primarily to midgets. We needed a broker and that's exactly how we ended up. As a result we lost our entire $137.

Following that catastrophic loss, we have implemented an entirely new strategy, which we like to call Adopt-A-Dog. This allows you to sponsor the Horn Dog of your choice anonymously, eliminating the smell and potential injury incurred when actually confronting this proud and noble beast. And while you would not be able to take them home, unless you upgrade to the Conjugal Visit plan, your package will include a remarkably lifelike signed photo, a printed certificate designating you as the temporary conservator and periodic visitation rights. And while we are not technically a 503(c), a 506(c) or even a 36(dd) your donation is probably tax deductible, as long as you do not declare it. And for a low monthly payment you can choose to extend your sponsorship through senility or incontinence, depends. Makes a great stocking stuffer!

Another big weekend for The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, starting with private party Thursday night, but then Friday we’re back to Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday…

Saturday it’s back to downtown Melbourne at Matt’s from 6:30 to 9:30…

And finally a big Sunday at Milliken’s at the Port from 2 to 7….