Absolute Blue Invitation 10/13/17 - 10/15/17

Absolute Blue Lexisizes

Due to increasing governmental regulations, Homeland Security initiatives and good sense, an annual audit of Absolute Blue Inc communications has been performed by Twice Porterhouse Hooper in association with an unidentified political drink tank. The most alarming of these findings indicates a 77% increase in conservative references. We have been advised that since we have our right hand in, that we take it out. Then put our left hand in and most probably shake it all about. Also included is a list of political corrections, so that hookers now become ‘sexual enthusiasts’, government inaction be called ‘electile dysfunction’ and jaeger filled evenings of childishness be referred to as Fridays. The importance of these changes cannot be underestimated, as noted in Sapir and Whorf’s views on linguistic determinism or as more commonly referred to, linguistic relativity. Among the other findings:

-Fart jokes have decreased 42%, which means we have not fulfilled our quota. We could name a number of environmental, socioeconomic or theological reasons why but it’s much easier to blame Don.

-Run-on sentences have increased 121% but we really don’t know why and can’t even think of an example although if we really thought about it we might come up with maybe one or two but not nearly as much as you would normally think even though we may give this impression through no direct fault of our own but then again who knows.

-Bathroom jokes are up either 6 or 8 percent, depends.

-Propositions were up 39%, most related to ‘sexual enthusiasts’.

-There were 27 confirmed cases of colligation, which makes no sense cause we never went to collige.

-11 cases of ending an epistrophe with an apostrophe.

-One case where onomatopoeia referred to a specific amount of urine.

This weekend find us at Millkens at the Port from 5 to 10 Saturday.

Sunday it’s our long awaited return to Sebastian Beach Inn from 1 to 5…