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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/23/18 - 3/25/18

Absolute Blue Technicalizes


In the past, our attempts at ‘bundling’ consisted of pairing our music with comparable levels of food and drink. So we would have Absolute Blue, spam and lukewarm old Milwaukee Light, or The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, vienna sausages and Boone’s Farm. It is now clear that technology is the future. And not like that time we tried to reduce bandwidth by going on a diet. It’s high time we embraced technology and finally let our children explain it to us. So we introduce a multi-tiered strategy designed to leverage existing and imaginary tech to build market share, add revenue streams and finally get rid of that smell:


-When the Spectrum guy came to replace our cable modem, he left behind a formal troubleshooting document. But now we can’t find the writ they wrote to right the router.

-We hired a consultant to get us a presence in the cloud, but due to budget constraints we wound up somewhere in a light fog.

-When the IBM computer asked us what level of school we reached, we said “Junior High, my dear Watson.” Wait, this is the wrong place. Please read this joke next week.

-Instead of relying on positive reinforcement for your fitness requirements, we took the opposite approach. Called the FatBat, it’s really just a piece of wood you hit yourself with each time you go to McDonalds.

-Similarly, while there are many applications to monitor sodium, saturated fat and caloric intake, we took the opposite approach with our new product, the iPeed.

-Also in development is gender based text icons, based on the emotions you may experience during a typical day. The femoji’s number over 2.5 million and counting while the hemoji’s stand at 7, including one for each major holiday.



Join us for a doubleheader at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday and Saturday…

The Sunday it’s back to Milliken’s at the Port from 2 to 7…

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