Absolute Blue Invitation 5/04/18 - 5/05/18

Absolute Blue Threatenizes

It's finally happened. The US Fish and Wildlife Service in conjunction with the FBI and AARP have officially placed the Horn Dog on the endangered species list. Apparently the spay/neuter campaign was altogether too successful. This ends years of speculation and conjecture and enables us as an organization to apply for federal grants. But there is also danger afoot. Should you encounter one of these magnificent beasts in their natural habitat, most likely a seedy bar or nightclub, or while grazing, most likely at a Taco Bell drive-through, remember the number one rule. Never look them directly in the eye. Should you happen to lock eyes they may follow you around until you feel compelled to take them home for a sandwich or a couple of games of gin rummy until they invariably lose interest and fall asleep, making it much easier to roll them out of a moving vehicle on a gravel road somewhere in an unincorporated part of the county. But that's not all. Please remember the other five do's and two don'ts of horn dog interaction:

-DO carry Horn Dog Repellant at all times. It smells like Nancy Pelosi and strikes fear into their heart.

-DO rap them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper or National Geographic if they exhibit rude behavior such as begging for loose change or attempting to hotwire your car.

-DO speak slowly when explaining multi variable calculus or numerical analysis to them. They have yet to figure out the difference between flammable and inflammable.

-DON'T attempt to move them should you find one asleep on your porch. Instead tickle them with a long stick and be ready to throw them many frozen waffles.

-DON'T taunt or ridicule them, particularly based on their attire or political affiliations. These are sensitive creatures.

-DO try to make yourself appear bigger. This can be done by hitting an outlet mall and purchasing heels or lifts, a poncho or cape and a hat, preferably a fedora or bowler. This will confuse them as they are used to paying retail.

-DO remember to keep your distance. If alarmed or aroused they will flee or evacuate, depends.

Only once chance to catch The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love this weekend, Friday night at Squidlips in Melbourne, 7 to 11…