Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/13 - 2/17/13

Absolute Blue Hocks

Now that football is over, baseball hasn’t started and basketball isn’t interesting yet, we turn our attention to a sport loved by the entire state of Canada, most of Russia, parts of the Ukraine, some of Sweden and a few Lithuanians. Of course I speak of Hockey, which combines the beauty and grace of skating with the pageantry and rivalry of Professional Wrestling. And while popularity of this sport has lagged behind NFL, MLB, NBA, MLS, LPGA, ATP, NASCAR and the Westminster Dog Show, it remains highly popular among key demographics such as Convicted Felons, Those That Have Felony Convictions Pending and Those Most Likely To Commit Felonies. We want to do our part in spreading the word on the brutal combination of balance, skill, speed and violence by providing a summary of common Hockey terms:

Checking: Contact made with the hip, body or other implements to force an opponent to surrender the puck, slow the player down, extract blood from them or to piss him off.

Tripping: Strategic placement of one’s head, torso or appendages in an effort to force an opponent to the ice surface resulting in death, permanent dismemberment or just pissing him off.

Slashing: An intentional maneuvering of one’s stick in an aggressive manner with an intent to cause injury, flinching or to piss him off.

Boarding: When a player uses their own or any borrowed body parts to forcibly run an opponent into the natural barrier that surrounds the ice and keeps blood, phlegm and body parts away from spectators, in an effort to maim, brutalize or simply piss off an opponent.

Spearing: Using the stick blade to voluntarily remove an internal organ, gouge, or otherwise gash another player. Or to piss him off.

Any of the above will result in a penalty, in which the offending player would be relegated to the penalty box where he would feel shame for two, five or ten minutes or perhaps indefinitely for extreme infractions, such as operating a Zamboni under the influence, or ZUI.

Now that you are fully informed of the only internationally recognized sport that permits, if not encourages fighting, we leave you with a single opportunity to get your dose of Absolute Blue this weekend: Sunday at Sebastian Beach Inn from 2 to 6…