Absolute Blue Invitation 9/18/15 - 9/20/15

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Category: Front Page News

Published on Wednesday, 16 September 2015 20:37

Written by Absolute Blue

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Absolute Blue Taxonomizes

There has been much speculation on the origin and classification of Don and Kevin. Turns out that ‘Horn Dog’ does not indicate a particular species, but rather refers to genus Gottalotta Mediocrus which incorporates the closely related Porn Dog (exoticus maximus) and Corn Dog (festivus vomitus). Known for their sparse plumage, which is groomed regularly at one of many Haircuttery or Fantastic Sams locations, the species is known for its beautiful and often deadly courtship dance, based in its entirety on the Macarena. Other mating rituals are too disturbing to be noted here. Only mildly territorial, they have been known to feed with other member if their phylum at a KFC or Golden Corral. When cornered, frightened or confused, such as during tax season, they will in defense emit an obnoxious odor from a gland that is most likely sphincterical in nature, then giggle. Nesting occurs in apartment buildings of suburbs, where they enjoy cheese doodles and reruns of Dancing With The Stars. Efforts to domesticate the species have failed miserably mostly due to their inability to be housebroken. All attempts have been met with years of heartbreak and soiled furniture.  They are known to be pack hunters, wearing down their prey with a series of fart noises and dirty jokes.  This once proud and highly intelligent species is now critically endangered and exists only in 2 specific subspecies, one in upstate New York (freezinus assesoff) the other in East Central Florida (climatus mildenuf) due to deforestation, elimination of their natural habitat and airfare discount coupons. Please help us preserve these noble creatures for future generations by giving generously to the tip jar conveniently located in front of the band…

Friday we set the horn dogs loose at Milliken’s from 5 to 10…

Saturday we participate in the Gap Community Outreach Fair, 1808 Port Malabar Blvd, from 12 to 1…

Then Sunday it’s 1 to 5 at SBI, rain or shine…

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