Absolute Blue Invitation 8/01/14 - 8/02/14

Absolute Blue Figures

Congratulations on the recent purchase of your Absolute Blue action figures! Proudly assembled in the USA and guaranteed to be 30-32% sweatshop free, this device conforms to several standards for class B electronic components, pursuant to parts 15(1.b.5) and 32(7.f.11) of the Helsinki Accords and is in all possibility FCC compliant, provided it is operated within specified and random recommendations. It also has the ability to spontaneously combust at any time and will detonate after several uses. The radiation generated from this product is well within tolerable limits however you may not want to make any threatening gestures or look it in the eye. These figures are designed to give a lifetime of worry free operation with adherence to the following guidelines. Failure to do so may void the virtually non-existent warrantee:

-Remember that this product was designed to replicate the sounds and smells of an Absolute Blue performance. Should they start sounding like The Kore or Bittersweet please contact our service desk immediately where a leading scientist will lower the musicianship to Absolute Blue levels.

-There may be times where all sounds do not appear to be from their instruments. These have been included by design and are naturally occurring. Well, maybe not natural but tolerated.

-This product has been carefully designed using the latest in nano, audio and olfactory replication technology. Just kidding, in a fight a flashlight will probably kick their ass.

-Always remember to begin with all members in their upright position. Failure to do so may result in them choking on their own vomit. Or someone else’s.

-Should one member start soloing uncontrollably please try smacking them upside the head. This will work for Kevin, however Don may require repeated applications.

-Keep out of reach of small children for a variety of reasons.

Thank you for choosing Absolute Blue! Your purchase has been able to fund a variety of Ponzi schemes and tax dodges…

This weekend brings us back to Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11 Friday…

Then it’s a party at Pineda Inn, one mile north of Pineda Causeway on US1, Saturday, again from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 7/25/14 - 7/26/14

Absolute Blue Skulldruggery

Don is back with us this weekend, fresh from Analpalooza, where he sampled a number of different colonoscopies before deciding on a nice balsamic vinaigrette. But now that he is thoroughly cleansed, he's ready to trump like never before. And although we have been advised to wait until FDA approval, we would like at this time to announce the latest in the Absolute Blue Pharmaceutical line, designed to enhance quality of life as well as very possibly shortening it. Sure there are side effects, but the same can be said for one night stands and the Taco Bell drive through. There were side effects when Jefferson crossed the Delaware. When Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence. Why, this country was founded on side effects. We had them growing up as did our fathers and their fathers before them. Hopefully our children and grandchildren will all have side effects. So while we wait for the Surgeon General to get back to us on Instagram we introduce the following products:

Skipitor: Statin. Converts bad cholesterol to good cholesterol through intimidation, fear and seduction. Part hair clippings, part rhino horn it is also the world’s first afrodisiac.

Kevitra: PDE5 inhibitor for exhibitionors. Four out of 5 doctors recommended Kevitra for their patients that didn’t know any better.

Abillify: Antipsychotic/Decongestant. Do not take Abillify if you might become pregnant or operate heavy machinery. Or if you might get pregnant by heavy machinery.

Trazadon: Antifungal. Not to be taken orally.

Tomiflu: Profungal, just to cover all the bases.?

Join us for a crazy Friday night at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30 to 9:30…

Then Saturday it’s The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 7/18/14 - 7/20/14

Absolute Blue Censored

Due to recent inflammatory remarks directed at heads of state, religious deities and Piers Morgan we are now required by law to submit all correspondence to a regulatory agency for the purpose of censoring the statements, allegations or outright lies that we regularly disseminate. We find this particularly offensive and plan a series of demonstrations to further our cause. It's not enough that we're perpetually on the No Fly List, Jonas Brothers Fan Database and various ED mailing lists but our accusers have cited precedent in the Patriot Act, Affirmative Action and just plain good taste to justify their actions. It's as if our little pop combo from Satellite Beach presents some sort of security risk, other than when Don passed noxious fumes on a US Air flight to Newark. How many times have we told him not to light his farts. In public anyway. I mean the only terror we’ve ever initiated is attempting to play Neil Diamond. We will not stand by and let some random government agency slur the good name of Absolute Blue. We’ll do that through our music. I’ll tell you right now they are messing with the wrong dudes. We will come down on them like a bandnado. So it’s time to put our XXXXXXXX up and give some XXXXXXX to the XXXXX that think they can XXXXXXXX our XXXXX. So get XXXXXX and XXXXXX XX X XXXXXXXXX for any XXXXXX mother XXXXXX, hairy ass XXXXXXX nuts XXXXXXXXXX on a XXXXXXXX XXXX. XXXXX X XXXX XXXXXX X XXXX! Just sayin…

We start a big weekend off with a Friday night at Monkey Bar just across from Paradise Beach in Indialantic from 9 to 1…

Then it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Blvd Saturday from 7 to 11…

And we wind up at SBI from 1 to 5 Sunday for all you XXXXXXXXXX…