Absolute Blue Invitation 4/25/14 - 4/27/14

Absolute Red White and Blue

If you’re in the market for new or gently used music, there are a number of things to consider. Perhaps the most important is where your hard earned entertainment dollar is really going. Sure, you could opt for a flirty flamenco or a macho mariachi, but where does your money actually go in these cases? We read on the internet that this capital has gone to fund jihadists, Lutherans and even Republicans. So what’s an informed, conscientious consumer to do? We strongly suggest investing in a wholly American product, such as Absolute Blue: True red blooded Americans playing American music with American words on American made instruments. I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me. Sure you could support another band, then next thing you know Regis Philbin is back on tv and your 401k has tanked. Coincidence? Probably. But why take the chance?

In other similar but completely unrelated news, we present our newest product, a combination of childhood innocence and Chicago’s deadliest gangster. Look for My Little Al Caponie coming soon at a failing retail store near you…

Join us this Saturday from 6:30 to 9:30 at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne. It’s the Art Festival weekend so be prepared to party…

Sunday we’re at Sebastian Beach Inn from 1 to 5…

Absolute Blue Invitation 3/21/14 - 3/23/14

Absolute Blue’s Diversity

After we at Absolute Blue, again under court order, underwent Sensitivity Training, which we thought would address Skip’s ticklishness, and we looked up what misogyny means, which turns out to be something other than an optical affliction, it’s all starting to make sense. It’s opened up a whole new world for us. We’ve learned to respect the differences between us, no matter how revolting, and open up to each other. Turns out, Bill likes a good cucumber facial peel, Kevin is a licensed aromatherapist, Don’s on his third pedicure this week, Skip had some personal bleaching and Tom picked up Fried Green Tomatoes AND Steel Magnolias on ebay. As a result, we have dedicated a significant time and effort to develop a new line of greeting cards that we will present to a multi media conglomerate, just not Hallmark, who is still pissed at us for our caustic anniversary cards for remarried ex-wives, even though we remain confident that there is still a niche market for them. Be that as it may, our new offerings promise to be an even larger travesty. A sampling:

If you love a band, set it free. If it comes back to you get a restraining order.

Don't walk behind the band; they may not lead. Don't walk in front of the band; they may not follow. In fact don’t walk at all. Run. Quickly. And away.

The band is a many Splenda thing. Seems real at first, then leaves you empty with a bad aftertaste.

The band means never having to say you’re sorry. Or please. Or thank you.

The band will keep us together, like…never mind.

You had the band at ‘I’m calling the cops’.

The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love communicates in a meaningful way this Friday at Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30to 9:30…

Then we will be empathizing Saturday at The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…

We finish things up with some mutual respect of your thoughts and feelings Sunday at SBI from 1 to 5…

Absolute Blue Invitation 3/14/14 - 3/16/14

Absolute Blueland

We have finally received clearance from several government regulatory agencies, corrupt union officials, mendacious municipalities, local brothels and our own questionable legal team and are proceeding with the first ever theme park in Central Florida, if you don’t count all the others. We have put together a list of attractions, rides and shows guaranteed to thrill. Tentatively called Geriatric Park, it will be sponsored by either Viagra or Cialis, depends. We have already created the first attraction, Tilt a Girl, where you can spin the woman of your choice. But we have much more planned:

-Pilates of the Caribbean: A workout for all ye maties and scalawags.

-A Spanish Inquisition themed attraction called Medieval Crimes.

-Hall of Precedents: A review of Supreme Court decisions from Burger to Thomas. It’s Tortally awesome!

-Dusty Rhodes’ Wild Ride: A piss poor trip through wrestling history, even by WWE standards.

-And the food court will contain exclusively Italian food. We call it Pregoland.

-Damp ‘n Mild: It’s really just Don’s lawn sprinkler and a Walmart inner tube to share.

-Jaeger Gardens: Its main features are vomit and despair.

-And making its debut in the park is a ride sponsored by a famous plumbing company that simulates high temperature cooking. It’s called the Kohler Roaster.

But until tickets are available, the next best thing is a Friday night at Kenny D’s in Palm Bay from 9 to 1. This is our first time here so come check out yet another club you can hear The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. It’s located in the Kmart plaza at the Southeast corner of Palm Bay and Babcock…

Second best would be at Sandbar Sports Grille in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, Saturday from 9 to 1…

And it’s finally back to Coconuts in Cocoa Beach Sunday from 2 to 6…