Absolute Blue Invitation 2/07/14 - 2/08/14

Absolute Blue’s Bieberbeater

Once again a pop superstar has infuriated multiple generations with their antics. This time? Leave it to Bieber. And an entire nation feels Justinfied in calling for his deportation, so he will be smearing instead of our great nation, the good name of New Foundlandiens, if there is such a thing. As many tweenagers looked on in horror and disgust to his escapades, much like most adults do to his music, we feel a bit of compassion, as there has been talk of his new release featuring more insightful lyrics, exposing a deeper Bieber and rumors that his discount clothing line, the Cheaper Bieber, is not doing so well. After all, he’s given us several songs full of syllables and the occasional palindrome, lol. So we urge you to be brave and don’t fear the Bieber, unless you are faced with that most dreaded older Justin fan, the Bieber Creeper.

The good news is that he’s from Canada, which turns out to be a completely different country than ours. So there remain many options: deportation, extradition or simply kicking his Canuck ass all the way to the border, all of which works for us. And while it is well known that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has been threatened with expulsion for their misdemeanors in the past, few realize that there have been individual efforts as well. For example:

-Tom faced charges after an altercation at his Alma Mater where he uttered the immortal phrase, "Don’t mace me babe", to a female campus police officer.

-Bill was caught drag racing his ’73 Pinto, however narrowly escaped felony charges when it was found that he never got above 35, but was instead held for littering after 2 quarts of oil was discovered in his wake.

-Skip was found pelting unsuspecting citizens with misidentified fruit, resulting in charges of drunk and disorganized.

-Don was found with a lifetime supply of DayQuil reportedly obtained from a non-existent game show.

-Kevin sold entertainment secrets to many foreign governments, creating a potential national security emergency of unprecedented magnitude until it was discovered that no one cared.

Anyways, we return from a vacation week ready to pelt an unwary public with a series of unfortunate notes at Squid Lips in Melbourne Friday from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday it’s a party at Neptune in Satellite Beach from 9 to 1…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/24/14 - 1/25/14

Absolute Blue & The BG

This is the first of what will undoubtedly be a series on the upcoming Big Game. Of course we speak of the premier sporting event of our culture, however due to copywrite restrictions we cannot say the name of the actual event. And after issues with March Madness, World Cup, The Masters, The Preakness and Wrestlemania, turns out we have been put on double secret probation by legal consul so the only reference we can make is the rather cryptic SBXLVII, which could also stand for 7 large Satellite Beach guys. And that leads us to those less unfortunate than we. Have we even thought about those fans of lesser known sports such as curling and soccer? It is with them in mind that we pointlessly ask the members of Absolute Blue how they would describe this phenomenon:

Don: A true spectacle, with each trying to out due the other, culminating in a visual treat for the audience. And apparently there’s a football game too.

Kevin: The pageantry and sportsmanship are unrivaled and there is a sense of national pride as the best athletes in the country display their extraordinary talents to determine the champion of this uniquely American sport. And there’s hot cheerleaders.

Skip: I’M THE BEST GUITARIST IN THE GAME! WHEN YOU TRY ME WITH A SORRY BASS PLAYER THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET! DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!

Bill: Omaha.

Tom: The competition is unbelievable with contestants from all over the world displaying pose, style and grace. You should have seen the bitches that won it last year.

We can only hope Tom switched channels to the Westminster Dog Show….

Only one public performance this week, at The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10 Friday. They have installed the latest in climate control technology so don’t let a brisk evening keep you away from hours of amusement from The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/17/14 - 1/18/14

Absolute Blue’s Governism

Ok, give me one word. Yes, any old word. And I have one. Put them together. Disparate Conundrum. Put that in the Phrase Analyzer. Yep, even that makes more sense than Basketball Diplomacy. But given the elevated status of relatively obscure, much holed, former sports starts and the absurd and exceedingly temporary impact they have on international politics, we thought we’d give it a try. I mean, what the hell…

Skip has put in for ambassadorship to Iceland, due to their health care policies and the probability of margaritas.

Don has applied to be special envoy to Maur-or Less-itania for their low tax rate and numerous topless beaches.

Kevin applied for a position at the Samoan consulate because of its rich culture and because it’s fun to say.

Bill has his eye on the charge de affaire to Ireland due to their working class ethics and reputation for being primarily Republican.

Tom wants to be king of Chicago. Whatever.

It is important to note that the opinions expressed by Dennis Rodman do not reflect the views of Absolute Blue, wholly or individually, Libertarians, Episcopalians or pretty much anyone, I’m thinking…

And it’s finally time for our debut at Matt’s Casbah in beautiful downtown Melbourne, home of the Really Long Happy Hour! Join us Friday 6:30 to 9:30 at Matt’s, at Waverly and New Haven, just across from Meg’s, as it is the only Absolute Blue performance this week. All the more reason to get off your atts and get to Matt’s…