Absolute Blue Invitation 9/18/15 - 9/20/15

Absolute Blue Taxonomizes

There has been much speculation on the origin and classification of Don and Kevin. Turns out that ‘Horn Dog’ does not indicate a particular species, but rather refers to genus Gottalotta Mediocrus which incorporates the closely related Porn Dog (exoticus maximus) and Corn Dog (festivus vomitus). Known for their sparse plumage, which is groomed regularly at one of many Haircuttery or Fantastic Sams locations, the species is known for its beautiful and often deadly courtship dance, based in its entirety on the Macarena. Other mating rituals are too disturbing to be noted here. Only mildly territorial, they have been known to feed with other member if their phylum at a KFC or Golden Corral. When cornered, frightened or confused, such as during tax season, they will in defense emit an obnoxious odor from a gland that is most likely sphincterical in nature, then giggle. Nesting occurs in apartment buildings of suburbs, where they enjoy cheese doodles and reruns of Dancing With The Stars. Efforts to domesticate the species have failed miserably mostly due to their inability to be housebroken. All attempts have been met with years of heartbreak and soiled furniture.  They are known to be pack hunters, wearing down their prey with a series of fart noises and dirty jokes.  This once proud and highly intelligent species is now critically endangered and exists only in 2 specific subspecies, one in upstate New York (freezinus assesoff) the other in East Central Florida (climatus mildenuf) due to deforestation, elimination of their natural habitat and airfare discount coupons. Please help us preserve these noble creatures for future generations by giving generously to the tip jar conveniently located in front of the band…

Friday we set the horn dogs loose at Milliken’s from 5 to 10…

Saturday we participate in the Gap Community Outreach Fair, 1808 Port Malabar Blvd, from 12 to 1…

Then Sunday it’s 1 to 5 at SBI, rain or shine…

Absolute Blue Invitation 9/11/15 - 9/13/15

Absolute Blue Secures

Due to a number of risk factors and an increase in chatter both in social media, texts and random gossip, Absolute Blue has raised the Band Threat Level to Deafcon 4, internally known as Code Pink. Or salmon. Actually it’s more of a muted lavender. This largely confusing and ultimately meaningless action revokes standard band protocol and suspends normal operations such as paying band members and performing with any sense of integrity in a sort of musical martial law. As a result, drastic measures have been taken, such as practicing and learning new songs, while we wait to see what will come of this. Citing specific threats from fundamentalist Freemason websites specifically targeting poorly played music by old farts, we feel that we are particularly at risk.  So we will take the following measures to ensure band secrets such as Tom’s recipes or Bill’s theoretical tax returns do not fall into the hands of rival bands:

-Possessing or discharging of firearms is strictly prohibited except in cases where it is not pointed at the band.

-Report and suspicious activity not being conducted by a band member to the nearest waitress or other person or peoples appearing to be a figure of any type of authority.

-After failing obedience school. Don and Kevin attended alternate training and are now bomb sniffing horn dogs so do not be alarmed when they try to get a whiff of you.

-Possession of alcohol is required and distribution of such to band members is highly encouraged.

-We will also reinstate random strip searches, however this time we will not be doing the stripping AND the searching. Skip was confused last time and wound up nakedly fondling audience members inappropriately. As if there was an appropriate way of doing that.

We return from a week off with our first ever gig at Ryan’s in Cocoa Village from 7 to 11 Friday. It’s at 4 Harrison St, at the corner of Harrison and Riveredge. You could take 520 to Riveredge. Or US1 to Stone to Harrison. Or 515 to Harrison. Or ask Siri. Whatever, just be there…

Saturday it’s Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11. You know where that is…

And Sunday it’s Malabar Mo’s, at Malabar Road and US1, from 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 8/28/15 - 8/29/15

Absolute Blue’s Clearance

It’s our huge summer clearance blowout! Everything must go! We need to get rid of all the old old songs and make way for the new old songs. And for a limited time it’s zero down, zero payment, zero due at listening. I know what you’re asking yourself. How do we do it? Simple. We deal in volume. In some cases we’ve played the same song thousands of times. Yeah, we should be able to play them better by now, so the least we can do is pass the savings on to you.

This weekend only, it’s our LOGO special. Listen to one song and get the next ABSOLUTELY FREE! (second song must be of equal or lesser artistic value). Think you’re gonna get that kind of deal from The Kore? Or Greg and/or Brian? Yeah, well maybe, but still.

You are receiving this special offer as a long-time and valued Absolute Blue customer. As a result, please stare at the computer screen unblinking for the next 30 minutes or so until we get around to a retina scan to prove that you are who you say you are and not some Indonesian hacker bent on world domination by infiltrating third rate musical organizations.

I know what you’re asking yourself again. How can we afford to literally give away music? What about taxes, administrative fees, licensing fees, legal fees, parole violation fees and bribes? We cover these through a series of savvy long term financial decisions. For example our recent substantial investment in Ashley Madison is sure to pay off big. And that was only made because we love their little snack cakes.

Make sure to join us this weekend as we take Labor Day weekend off. Friday it’s back to Matt’s Casbah in downtown Melbourne from 6:30 to 9:30…

Saturday it’s Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…