Absolute Blue Invitation 7/09/15 - 7/11/15

Absolute Blue Prepares

For any business, planning is critical. This is why Absolute Blue conducts periodic reviews of their operational and strategic plans to ensure future success. But there is an even more important policy that we have in place to guide us through the many disruptions, real or imagined, that however unlikely or inevitable will affect us in one way or another. Our Business Continuity Plan, initiated in 1998, has seen us through many crises, including the Twinkies Bankruptcy of 2012, the International Hops Shortage of 2008 and some recent Supreme Court decisions. This calls for specific and actionable steps to follow for disasters of all kinds, from Don’s flatulence to incidents involving comets, radiation or outraged marauding unicorns. Strictly adhering to the principals of this plan we have been stockpiling Jaeger, porn and Twizzlers in case of a natural, man-made or Kardashian induced emergency. Recent headlines, however, have forced us to take another look at these policies and provide for yet another set of catastrophic circumstances. It is with this in mind that we amend our plan with the following post op names in case of a gender identity crisis for each member (or non-member, as it may be):

Don: Mary Ann – Only because Mrs. Howell was taken. May lead to some confusion.

Bill: Destiny – Conjuring up images of exotic dancers and long lost dollar bills.

Skip: Ella Mae – Referencing his North Carolina roots and perhaps a second cousin.

Kevin: Constanza Agustina Guadalupe - Alluding to his spicy Hispanic heritage.

Tom: LaShonequia – Channeling his inner Warrior Goddess, based on Swahili and urban mythology.

Obviously there are other considerations, such as implant size, wardrobe, hair coloring and shoes as well as potential product tie ins, such as a lingerie line called Skipper’s Secret and Billy’s electrolysis for agnostics, Hairless and Prayerless, but this lays a solid foundation on which to build.  

A rather large weekend for The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love beginning Thursday night at Tracy’s in Suntree from 7:30 to 9:30. It’s on Wickham, just 1.5 miles north of Pineda, at the corner of St Andrews…

Then Friday it’s back to the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on Indian River Blvd from 7 to 11…

And Saturday we’re at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 6/11/15 - 6/14/15

Absolute Blue Nips/Tucks

At this point we would like to set the record straight and stop all this rumor mongering, gossip mongering and monger mongering. What we do know is that Kevin is out having some ‘work done’ and good friend Rene is in the starting position on the Big Old Slidey Thing. That’s about the extent of our knowledge, other than to say upon his return it will be the same old Kevin. He called his Jamaican proctologist ‘Pokemon’. When his doctor said he wanted to see his asshole, he replied, “Ok, but he’s in Satellite Beach right now”. And when the attractive young nurse gave him the bad news that he would have to stop masturbating and he asked why, she said “Because I’m trying to examine you”. Yes, it’s all vintage Kevin, but what we have to understand is that his outward appearance may have changed. It is because of this that we have established the following guidelines to ease his transition. Please memorize the following or have a copy with you at all times:

-Please remember that he may have had a number of items nipped, tucked, lifted or implanted, so rather than focus on one area, try to view the work as a hole.

-Keep in mind that Kevin’s hairline may have changed, so do not mention the revocation of his Hair Club For Men membership.

-Sometimes Lasik Surgery can cause a temporary case of Lazy Eye, therefore refrain from any references to Igore, Marty Feldman or any one of a variety of Chameleon species.

-Should there be one, do not stare at the ‘ghetto booty’.

-Under no circumstances should you call him Caitlyn.

Please join the revised Absolute Blue lineup at Tracy’s in Suntree Thursday from 7:30 to 11:30. It’s just 1.5 miles north of Pineda at the corner of Wickham and St Andrew…

Then we have a doubleheader at the new Cocoa Beach Pier Friday and Saturday from 6 to 10 both days…

Absolute Blue Invitation 6/05/15 - 6/07/15

Absolute Blue Explains

At this point we would like to familiarize you with some of the strange and unusual instruments played by the members of Absolute Blue. And there is nothing stranger or more unusual than this week’s subject, unless maybe the person playing it. Made by some sort of metal or fiberglass or paper mache, the trumpet was featured prominently in Norse Mythology, used to announce the presence of royalty, summon angels or make loud farting noises. The only requirements for playing this instrument is to have three fingers total, be right handed and not be allergic to spit, at least your own. You must also wait 30 minutes after eating to play the trumpet, not so much for cramps but because the bits of burrito from a Taco Bell run will take approximately a year and a half to go from one end of the horn to the other and after that time will smell like a vulture vomiting on a long dead armadillo carcass. A system of valves powered by either steam or a complicated system of hydraulics allows the user to quickly change from one out of tune note to another. Don’s particular model was hand crafted by long dead artisans in a remote Eastern European village whose only purpose is to flood the emerging brass and woodwind black market with product, which will be smuggled across numerous borders and subsequently wind up in free market economy garage sales, swap meets or flea markets. It is widely known that the tone of the trumpet can be quite harsh, but with Don’s technique it can be downright soothing and has even been known to put small animals and pets to sleep. Permanently. It is because of this that the trumpet is a dangerous and important component of Absolute Blue.

Next week it’s Kevin’s big ol’ slidey thing…

Join us for a Friday night at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday it’s our long awaited return to Siggy’s in Palm Bay, on Malabar Road just west of 95 in Interchange Square from 9:30 to 1:30…