Absolute Blue Invitation 2/02/18 - 2/04/18

Absolute Blue Laments

This week we come to you with heavy hearts, our faith in mankind perhaps irrevocably shattered. As we live in an enlightened time, with the wisdom of the ages available at the click of a finger, a vast repository of theological, historical and scientific knowledge available for use wherever we go. The masters of literature accessible with a few keystrokes. An unprecedented array of cultural insight at our disposal and what is it used for? To remind people not to eat Tide Pods. Yes, with untold resources available to us we need to remind each other not to consume toxic cleaning products. And besides, they taste terrible. So what else hath the internet wrought? Lest we forget:

-Ice Bucket Challenge: At least this had a purpose. However many participants failed to take into consideration the considerable mass and/or density of water in its liquid form, leading to many injuries.

-Cinnamon Challenge: Pointless. Embarrassing for all concerned. You have to question the individual that willingly participates in an activity that guarantees vomiting if not serious lung damage. Fortunately the activity is currently illegal due to the 2017 Herb and Spice Protection Act.

-Mannequin Challenge: Yes. Exactly what we need. More millennials standing around doing nothing.

-Planking: Only a seasoned performer would have the ability to combine the subtle nuances and aesthetic properties to replicate a stationary piece of wood. Nailed it.

-Tebowing: For those of us old enough to have lived through this absurd part of our history, this pays tribute to the former Heisman winner. Sadly, probably his most enduring legacy.

Join us this Friday at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…

Then Sunday, 2 to 7 at Millikens at the Port…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/26/18 - 1/27/18

Absolute Blue Culinizes

Due to an egregious security breach at the Absolute Blue Corporate Headquarters we understand that a series of confidential emails and correspondence has been compromised and forwarded to a number of media outlets. So as we speak, intimate details of our sordid culinary history are now hitting multiple social media platforms. In an effort to mitigate any potential legal action, minimize any public outcry or curtail beatings, we will forge on with our full disclosure, or as Skip said when he first saw us on the beach, “Damn the four speedo’s, full speed ahead”!  So in the spirit of full transparency we feel compelled to tell you about the time Don proposed an Apprentice themed cooking show called Firin’ Chef, or when Tom was a contestant on the failed pilot of Say Yes To The Asparagus, when Bill showed up to Cupcake Wars with several semi-automatic weapons andr when Kevin’s appearance on Top Chef was so horrific it was almost renamed Stop, Chef! But that’s not all. Other leaks include the band’s favorite recipes:

-Skippered Herring: A favorite of Skip’s grandmother in her later years, when she forgot to remember that she was not in fact Jewish.

-Bill Pickle: Using a special recipe that combines his family’s secret seasoning with a pinch of Lou Dobbs, sprinkled with Glenn Beck and a dash of Sean Hannity. Making cucumbers great again.

-Tomelette: Start by beating 3 eggs into submission. Fold in a generous portion of contempt, blend with a dollop of disdain and a splash of condescension. Serve with a gratuitous portion of angst and garnish with indifference.

-Kevinly Hash: Chunks of smoked fish and cream cheese combined in a light sorbet. Forget cleansing the palate, this will most likely remove that sucker completely.

-Chili Don Carne: Reviled not so much for the absence of beans but for the presence of MEET, a beef substitute and unintentional byproduct of nuclear fission that can cause spinal enlargement, spinal shrinkage, mental loss, mental gain, constipation, incontinence or in some cases everything to stay pretty much the same.

Join us for a Saturday at Millikens Reef at the Port from 5 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/05/18 - 1/06/18

Absolute Blue Revolutions

Welcome and congratulations on making it through another holiday season! Like you, this is the time of year we stop and take stock, collectively and individually, to determine how we can bring you a more engaging experience and once again vow to not drink any more. Or any less. And ask ourselves, are we really satisfied being the Below Average White Band? What simple changes can we make to live up to our potential? We have determined that much of this is how we approach the product. So beginning in 2018, we will no longer be learning songs, but rather provide you with Happy Accidents for your ears. Think of it as the musical equivalent of hand sanitizer. But more importantly we will offer a virtual smorgasbord of songs for our listeners with special needs. We plan a complete vegan line as well as gluten free music. There’s Halal and Kosher components for our friends on both sides of Gaza. Also Ketogenic tunes, Vegan selections and Soy based music for the lactose intolerant. Future plans include Macrobiotic, Probiotic, Antibiotic, Nonbiotic, Disbiotic and Transbiotic as well. But that’s not all. We also present to you our individually sanctioned New Year Revolutions:

-Skip will turn to academia and graduate from the University of Mixology with a major in Jaeger and a minor in cider, where he will introduce his newest creation, The Strangled Donkey, a powerful purgative popular with the kids.

-Don will revolve to adopt a healthier lifestyle and promises to be 5 pounds lighter when you next see him, undoubtedly due to him performing barefoot and without a belt.

-Bill revolves to further his beloved Republican agenda and vows to get the wall built, this time between Satellite and Indian Harbor Beach.

-Kevin turns to philanthropy this year and while Meals on Wheels has denied him a position based on his spotty driving record, he has opted for Plates on Skates. And should that fall through there’s always Fishes on Dishes or Fryers on Tires.

-Tom revolves to get serious about his portfolio, leveraging his investments in vintage porn and used marital aids against strip club futures and high yield hooker bonds. With the goal of driving up S&P through S&M.

Join us for a Friday night at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday it’s back to Millikens at the Port from 5 to 10…