Fan Access
Latest Buzz
No posts to display.
Absolute Blue Invitation 5/04/18 - 5/05/18
Absolute Blue Threatenizes
It's finally happened. The US Fish and Wildlife Service in conjunction with the FBI and AARP have officially placed the Horn Dog on the endangered species list. Apparently the spay/neuter campaign was altogether too successful. This ends years of speculation and conjecture and enables us as an organization to apply for federal grants. But there is also danger afoot. Should you encounter one of these magnificent beasts in their natural habitat, most likely a seedy bar or nightclub, or while grazing, most likely at a Taco Bell drive-through, remember the number one rule. Never look them directly in the eye. Should you happen to lock eyes they may follow you around until you feel compelled to take them home for a sandwich or a couple of games of gin rummy until they invariably lose interest and fall asleep, making it much easier to roll them out of a moving vehicle on a gravel road somewhere in an unincorporated part of the county. But that's not all. Please remember the other five do's and two don'ts of horn dog interaction:
-DO carry Horn Dog Repellant at all times. It smells like Nancy Pelosi and strikes fear into their heart.
-DO rap them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper or National Geographic if they exhibit rude behavior such as begging for loose change or attempting to hotwire your car.
-DO speak slowly when explaining multi variable calculus or numerical analysis to them. They have yet to figure out the difference between flammable and inflammable.
-DON'T attempt to move them should you find one asleep on your porch. Instead tickle them with a long stick and be ready to throw them many frozen waffles.
-DON'T taunt or ridicule them, particularly based on their attire or political affiliations. These are sensitive creatures.
-DO try to make yourself appear bigger. This can be done by hitting an outlet mall and purchasing heels or lifts, a poncho or cape and a hat, preferably a fedora or bowler. This will confuse them as they are used to paying retail.
-DO remember to keep your distance. If alarmed or aroused they will flee or evacuate, depends.
Only once chance to catch The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love this weekend, Friday night at Squidlips in Melbourne, 7 to 11…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/26/18 - 4/28/18
Absolute Blue Medicalizes
The many contributions made by The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love to the local music community have been well documented. We developed the first thirty minute break, created a lasting history with several local law enforcement agencies and have finally perfected the fart joke. But lesser known are the contributions made in the medical field. In an effort to further the advancements of medical science, provide valuable research data, but mostly cause we needed the five bucks, we have participated in a number of clinical trials. For example, in a classic case of operant conditioning, we were shown pictures of a voluptuous woman repeatedly, then asked to close our eyes and to ‘See Alice’. The physiological responses were measured and ED history was made. But that's not all. We have also played an integral part in the following:
-In contrast to the above, a sugar pill designed to counter the effects of Viagra called the Flacebo.
-The use of a new local painkiller specifically for the buttocks, called either Analgesic or Anusthesia, depends.
-For those afraid of commitment, a less invasive alternative for the more common procedure, the semicolonoscopy. Don’s on his fourth.
-A method of inserting a tube and extracting only coffee, called Decafiterization.
-Determined through our own research that carrotitis cannot be caused by consuming carrots. Orally anyway.
And that doesn’t count when we thought they threw in some west coast states as a bonus when negotiating the Louisiana Purchase, thereby becoming the very first Oregon Donor…
Friday we return to Keith’s Oyster Bar at the Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10…
Then Saturday it’s Siggy's in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/13/18 - 4/15/18
This exhibit has been temporarily discontinued.
Absolute Blue Invitation 4/01/18 - 4/02/18
Absolute Blue Evangelicalizes
While leafing through the pages of the most recent issue of Pentacoastal Living, it occurred to me that this week, spiritually speaking, is about as big as it gets. Sure, we have Christmas, Yom Kippur and Arbor Day spread throughout the calendar but as far as weekly events, this is it. The problem is that it's the same thing year after year, even with the addition of Taco Tuesday. So we propose shaking things up a bit. And we're not just talking about Taoing the line. It's so much more than that. Why, it's Mormoniacal! So we at Denominations 'R Us, a subsidiary of Absolute Blue Inc, have put together the following options sure to meet your ecumenical needs, all packaged and ready to market for a nominal licensing fee:
-Crystal Methodist: Based on the teachings of Walter White. Breaking bread and breaking bad.
-Pretzelterian: Less praying more recipes.
-Episcopaleontology: Divinity meets dinosaurs in this religion 2000 years in the making. Screams sequel.
-Lex Lutheran: For those of us fed up with superheroes.
-Jehovah's Witness Protection: Goodfellas meets good fellows.
-Ladder Day Saints: Celebrating tools and how we use them. Features Screwdriver Day, Pliers Week and Hammer's Eve.
Join us for the only Absolute Blue performance this week, Sunday at Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
Upcoming Events
| No events |