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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/23/18 - 3/25/18
Absolute Blue Technicalizes
In the past, our attempts at ‘bundling’ consisted of pairing our music with comparable levels of food and drink. So we would have Absolute Blue, spam and lukewarm old Milwaukee Light, or The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love, vienna sausages and Boone’s Farm. It is now clear that technology is the future. And not like that time we tried to reduce bandwidth by going on a diet. It’s high time we embraced technology and finally let our children explain it to us. So we introduce a multi-tiered strategy designed to leverage existing and imaginary tech to build market share, add revenue streams and finally get rid of that smell:
-When the Spectrum guy came to replace our cable modem, he left behind a formal troubleshooting document. But now we can’t find the writ they wrote to right the router.
-We hired a consultant to get us a presence in the cloud, but due to budget constraints we wound up somewhere in a light fog.
-When the IBM computer asked us what level of school we reached, we said “Junior High, my dear Watson.” Wait, this is the wrong place. Please read this joke next week.
-Instead of relying on positive reinforcement for your fitness requirements, we took the opposite approach. Called the FatBat, it’s really just a piece of wood you hit yourself with each time you go to McDonalds.
-Similarly, while there are many applications to monitor sodium, saturated fat and caloric intake, we took the opposite approach with our new product, the iPeed.
-Also in development is gender based text icons, based on the emotions you may experience during a typical day. The femoji’s number over 2.5 million and counting while the hemoji’s stand at 7, including one for each major holiday.
Join us for a doubleheader at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 Friday and Saturday…
The Sunday it’s back to Milliken’s at the Port from 2 to 7…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/16/18 - 3/18/18
Absolute Blue Bracketizes
Wake up Billy I think I got something to say for kicks
It’s daylight savings and you really should have made your picks
I know we all were amused
When you picked Syracuse
Don’t pick North Carolina, anymore
You made a first round pick of Penn State
They won’t make it past the round of eight
Picked Oklahoma and that’s what really hurt
You said Carolina coast
Had a really really really good coach
Billy you know Rhode Island couldn’t score
You made a first class fool out of me
When you said to pick Tennessee
You stole Villanova and that’s a pain I can do without
I suppose I should collect my thoughts and go pick Notre Dame
Or San Diego State only based upon their 3 point game
I almost wanted to puke
When I heard that you picked Duke
‘Zaga I hope you take second place
You told me that Seton Hall
Plays pretty good basketball
You know they won’t make it much past San Jose
We’re Absolute Blue. And we’re sorry…
Join us for a Friday at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River, just south of Main Street from 7 to 11…
The Sunday, it’s an afternoon at Coconuts in Cocoa Beach, 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 3/02/18 - 3/03/18
Absolute Blue Prehistorizes
There are times when we feel we are being tested. When we question not only the world in which we live, but our place within it. When our actions seem futile, our intentions unsure, our motivation unsound. We call these weekdays. It is because of this we feel we need to make certain things clear. One, giraffes are not extinct. And two, it was not called Giraffic Park. We hold these truths to be self-evident. The fact that we needed to point this out is troublesome enough, so we thought we should add some other well known references to Prehistory. Please feel free to use this handy guide when meeting with a potential employer, spouse or legal counsel.
-Precamian: The disaster that was the Carolina Panthers before drafting Newton.
-Pleistoscene It: The original board game, predating even Monopoly and Cards Against Cromagnity.
-Paypaleozoic: The earliest form of currency, used when the internet was mostly rocks and straw held together with mud.
-Anyanderthal: Of or pertaining to an unspecific member of the archaic human race, as opposed to just Steven or Bobby.
-Alientologist: Those who study the extraterrestrials that have assisted us in the past, such as with the Great Pyramid, Nazca Lines and Justin Bieber.
Join us for a Friday at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
Absolute Blue Invitation 2/23/18 - 2/25/18
Absolute Blue Olympicizes
It’s that time again. Every four years they come together in the spirit of compassion and comradery to perform superhuman acts of endurance and agility. But enough of Skip’s love life. It’s also time for the Olympics. I know what you’re thinking. More of the same old events, the same old countries and the same old gender questionable competitors. And with the technological advancements in equipment such as cutting edge polymers and aerodynamically designed suits, we have gotten even further away from how our ancestors intended the games to be played. Naked. That’s sure to put a rise in your ratings. And that’s not all the changes we have in mind. Even now we are negotiating for Fergie to sing all the national anthems. If you will recall, last time we went so far as to pair events with food and drink combinations, like Skeleton and Beef Wellington or Alpine and White Wine. But this time we take a big step forward with the following possibly innovative, probably irresponsible and most likely felonious offerings:
-Robertsled: Instead of one at a time, all contestants race at once, Mad Max style. They live, they die, they live again.
-Transgenderthon: Open to all sexes/species.
-Soup Or G: We’ll take the G.
-Downhill: We’ve been nailing this for many years.
-Emoguls: Goth contestants compete in nihilistic piercing competitions to see who cares the least.
-Slalalomland: Skiing meets The Voice in this hybrid competition that is sure to bring back the glory days of the sports musical.
-Deluge: Down the mountain. Feetfirst. In the rain. Probably naked.
Join us for a double header at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier Friday and Saturday from 6 to 10…
The Sunday it’s back to Millikens at the Port from 2 to 7…
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