Absolute Blue Invitation 1/19/19 - 1/20/19

Absolute Blue Shutsdown

One wonders how it ever got to this point. How a simple ideological difference manifested itself into a complete disruption of the normal flow of goods and services. It is only during these trying times that we realize the width and breadth of such an interruption, the impact it has on our daily lives. Each faction is quick to blame the other, but we here at Absolute Blue note that in the meantime, do we as a people stop our normal lives, our work and tax paying? Of course not. It is with this in mind that we are doing all we can to get things moving again. And so we address these fundamental differences directly. Tom and Skip maintain that we stick to the old and classic fart jokes while Bill and Kevin embrace new and innovative fart jokes. And in a bold and strategically questionable move, Don has cast a vote of No Confidence in the current Absolute Blue administration. The methodology here is unclear at best, but it turns out that this is a right granted to each active member. Even Don. I looked it up. But the time for action is now, as recent studies have shown that we are at an historic low in the use and application of fart jokes themselves, and the attendance to marginally passable music is trending sharply downward as well. Soon the Absolute Blue shutdown will impact us all in heretofore unprecedented fashion.

It is because of this that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has agreed collectively to set aside any differences no matter how inconsequential or irrelevant, immaterial or mundane, and declare this Sunday, January 20, 2019, as a day to come together, more specifically at the Crab Stop in Sebastian from 2 to 6, and reach across the table, not to strike with vengeance upon thy adversary, but in a token gesture of brotherhood and for the common good. Monday, however, we will resume our pursuit of crushing the bastards…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/04/19 - 1/05/19

Absolute Blue Postholidizes

Now that the holiday season is behind us, we feel a sense of emptiness as the parties, celebrations and festivities are over. It’s like a mourning that lasts all afternoon and evening. As we take time to ponder the true meaning of a week and a half after Christmas, it’s time to say goodbye to Ebenezer and the Christmas ghosts, the Grinch and the people of Whoville, George Bailey and Mr. Potter and hopefully Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm. But it’s also time to review what we’ve accomplished over the past year, to take stock. Or bonds. Or a nicely managed mutual fund. Since 2018 will always be remembered as the year we leveraged our retirement fund in bitcoin futures, we look forward to continuing our struggle for legitimacy in the coming year, which we understand to be much better than the opposite. So we hereby bring you our extremely acceptable 2019 New Year’s Resolutions:

-Tom: For 2019 I resolve to be more tolerant and consider all viewpoints when making decisions, consider a guiding paradigm to self-betterment and value the many and varied opinions and thoughts of others no matter what their political, social, economic, gender or spiritual beliefs. Except musicians.

-Skip: My New Year’s Revolution will be against the fascist, tyrannical overseers of social media who repeatedly thwart my attempts to post plans to use my considerable mind control powers to thwart terrorism and crush beer cans.

-Bill: I will be revolving counterclockwise, as always.

-Kevin: I will be resolving math problems that were previously solved.

-Don: I’m surprised to hear of Bluebeard’s Absolution as I understood him to be a most barbaric pirate.

Join us this Friday to officially honor the end of the holidays in our very first Falalalapalooza at Monkey Bar in Indialantic from 8 to 12…

Absolute Blue Invitation 12/07/18 - 12/08/18

Absolute Blue Surveils

We are watching with great interest what is happening even as we speak at the border as migrants are growing frustrated with the slow asylum process and reports are that some have attempted to escape capture and scale a fence to breach the border. But our biggest fear is that this is simply a diversion and because we as an organization are well versed in international relations as well as celebrity gossip, our Absolute Blue Intelligence Report has indicated that on yet another border there is in fact another caravan, this one a silver Dodge carrying several refugees seeking sanctuary from Canada’s repressive socialized heath care and tyrannically polite regime. Unconfirmed reports state that this group includes an out of work Tupperware salesman, a highly suspicious former waitress, a poorly trained magician, a crusty juggler, a colicky infant and a troubled teenager that refuses to do chores. Their intentions remain unknown but their group has reported links to Tim Horton’s and perhaps even a nearby Hooters. A Fish and Wildlife officer is currently holding them at bay with a dozen glazed donuts until reinforcements arrive. We will continue to monitor their movements with the entire arsenal of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love’s cutting edge technology, up to but not including our newly designed drone, which is really just a generic brand disposable camera duct taped to a Mylar balloon from Publix…

Anyways, join us for our last public appearance of the year Friday at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…