Absolute Blue Invitation 12/25/21 - 12/26/21

Absolute Blue Budgetizes

Unfortunately, due to a budget miscalculation by the Finance division of Absolute Blue Incorporated, we are left with only one joke allocation for the remainder of the year. An investigation is underway to determine how something of this magnitude could occur, but we are left to deal with the fallout. And to make matters worse, due to supply chain issues, there are no fart jokes available until well into January. So instead of our normal plethora of puns, anecdotes and jests we have one opportunity to bring a little joy into your lives. It’s hard to imagine this kind of pressure to produce but with mostly positive response from a series of focus groups we have come up with the following:

Wait for it.

-If your parents both have red hair, does that make you Gingerbred?

You are welcome.

Join us for a post Christmas Sunday at Malabar Mo’s from 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 12/17/21 - 12/18/21

Absolute Blue Carolozies

I had to apologize to Kevin when, during our weekly Sartre discussion, he kept focusing on himself, so I called him a Deep, Vain Trombonist. Afterwards we bonded over our mutual love of all kinds of Christmas music and the many ways they could be exploited. I reminded him of my time in solitary at County where they put me in the Single Cell, Single Cell, Single Cell Block. Then he mentioned the time he was caught fishing in international waters and had his fish confiscated and kept singing Police Got Me Cod. Or that time I was detained shortly after landing in Orlando for being unruly which I Blamed Upon A Midflight Beer. Then the time he got stuck in a huge traffic jam while driving his Ford truck and spent All Day In A Ranger. And since it’s the Most Wonderful Time For A Beer, we have taken the opportunity to copyright a number of initiatives that are sure to bring us some much needed holiday cash:

-A program for returning grocery shoppers: O Come Aldi Faithful.
-A senior’s program for an outlet store: Silver Bealls.
-For Gillette razor customers: No Face To Comb For The Holidays.
-For the mortuary that realizes the importance of repetition: I Can Embalm, I Can Embalm.
-For those interested in Bohemian interior décor: Czech The Halls.

-And for anyone trying to put together gifts Christmas Eve with no instructions: O Come Now Where’s The Manual?

Join us for a festive Friday night at Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River just south of Main Street, from 7 to 11…

Then Saturday it’s Squid Lips in Melbourne from 6 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 12/10/21 - 12/11/21

Absolute Blue Diversifizes

As our search to identify new and marginally legal revenue sources continue, we researched an effort to reduce the number of Burmese pythons in the Everglades. This involves neutralizing the progeny of the existing population by a form of snake birth control. This seems to induce sort of a reptile dysfunction, which if properly implemented could significantly decrease in number future generations of these invasive species. This program is intriguing not only for its ecological impact, but for the creation of new and potentially lucrative markets. So it seems we only need to create a need, such as reptilian anti Viagra, then develop a product and highly questionable case studies to show its effectiveness, then we become a part of Big Pharma. Or for our line of cattle products, Big Farma. Or for our Italian cheese line, Big Parma. To date we have developed placebos to address a number of mythical ailments such as:

-For long dormant volcanoes all over the world, Eruptile Dysfunction

-For those low lying islands susceptible to rising water levels, A Wrecked Isle Dysfunction.

-For people that just can’t shoot straight, Projectile Dysfunction.

-For those that have issues with baking, Confectile Dysfunction.

-For those individuals that spit excessively, Expectile Dysfunction.

-For those afraid of needles, Injectile Dysfunction.

-For the hoarder in your family, Collectile Dysfunction.

Please join us for our only public performance this week, Saturday at Mainstreet Pub in Downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…