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Absolute Blue Invitation 12/17/21 - 12/18/21
Absolute Blue Carolozies
I had to apologize to Kevin when, during our weekly Sartre discussion, he kept focusing on himself, so I called him a Deep, Vain Trombonist. Afterwards we bonded over our mutual love of all kinds of Christmas music and the many ways they could be exploited. I reminded him of my time in solitary at County where they put me in the Single Cell, Single Cell, Single Cell Block. Then he mentioned the time he was caught fishing in international waters and had his fish confiscated and kept singing Police Got Me Cod. Or that time I was detained shortly after landing in Orlando for being unruly which I Blamed Upon A Midflight Beer. Then the time he got stuck in a huge traffic jam while driving his Ford truck and spent All Day In A Ranger. And since it’s the Most Wonderful Time For A Beer, we have taken the opportunity to copyright a number of initiatives that are sure to bring us some much needed holiday cash:
-A program for returning grocery shoppers: O Come Aldi Faithful.
-A senior’s program for an outlet store: Silver Bealls.
-For Gillette razor customers: No Face To Comb For The Holidays.
-For the mortuary that realizes the importance of repetition: I Can Embalm, I Can Embalm.
-For those interested in Bohemian interior décor: Czech The Halls.
-And for anyone trying to put together gifts Christmas Eve with no instructions: O Come Now Where’s The Manual?
Join us for a festive Friday night at Tiki Bar in Sebastian, on Indian River just south of Main Street, from 7 to 11…
Then Saturday it’s Squid Lips in Melbourne from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/10/21 - 12/11/21
Absolute Blue Diversifizes
As our search to identify new and marginally legal revenue sources continue, we researched an effort to reduce the number of Burmese pythons in the Everglades. This involves neutralizing the progeny of the existing population by a form of snake birth control. This seems to induce sort of a reptile dysfunction, which if properly implemented could significantly decrease in number future generations of these invasive species. This program is intriguing not only for its ecological impact, but for the creation of new and potentially lucrative markets. So it seems we only need to create a need, such as reptilian anti Viagra, then develop a product and highly questionable case studies to show its effectiveness, then we become a part of Big Pharma. Or for our line of cattle products, Big Farma. Or for our Italian cheese line, Big Parma. To date we have developed placebos to address a number of mythical ailments such as:
-For long dormant volcanoes all over the world, Eruptile Dysfunction
-For those low lying islands susceptible to rising water levels, A Wrecked Isle Dysfunction.
-For people that just can’t shoot straight, Projectile Dysfunction.
-For those that have issues with baking, Confectile Dysfunction.
-For those individuals that spit excessively, Expectile Dysfunction.
-For those afraid of needles, Injectile Dysfunction.
-For the hoarder in your family, Collectile Dysfunction.
Please join us for our only public performance this week, Saturday at Mainstreet Pub in Downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/26/21 - 11/28/21
Absolute Blue Litigicizes
Much has been made of our legal woes and sure enough here we go again. But we aren’t alone. We were charged with Miss D. Meaners so I guess she’s in trouble too. Though in our case it’s more like a tidal wave of complaints, a veritable suenami. Caught up in the excitement of the indictment, we were working on a judicial order but weren’t sure how to submit it which resulted in the very first petition for Maybeous Corpus. It was such a disaster they suggested a prescription for Writalin. Our next step was to secure representation. Everyone’s talking about Cam Newton got them two million or something but he’s been on my fantasy team all season and he’s never got me more that twenty two and a half. And since we couldn’t afford any of those high priced attorneys, we found a lawyer headquartered in a strip mall with a CBD dispensary, a rectory and a bakery, called Tokin, Nuns and Buns. We put him on retainer but we’re trying to get him enrolled in Smile Direct Club. When we finally went to trial, it was mostly error. At this point all we are asking for is a little acquittal. But what do we get instead?
-Kevin was a witness for the prostitution but said he saw no money change hands.
-Turns out we were exdonerated so we have to get rid of our trumpet player.
-Bill filed a brief but it was rejected. I’m guessing he should have washed them first.
-The judge asked if we wanted a continuance and Tom said “Depends”.
-Skip was charged with theft of a shipment of chickpeas which turns out to be a falafelony.
Join us for a Sunday afternoon at Malabar Mo’s from 4 to 8…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/18/21 - 11/20/21
Absolute Blue Reminiscizes
It’s funny the things you remember from the past. One of my most vivid childhood memories was cooking with my mother. Especially around the holidays when I would come home after work on a cold Michigan evening to find something in the oven filling the house with a wonderous scent. Sometimes we would make up little songs to describe the experience. There was one in particular that a friend from school, an exchange student from England, had me sing over and over to him:
Mama. Just grilled a ham
Grabbed a bun instead of bread
Pulled the pork, then went to bed
Mama. Lunch had just begun
And now you’ve gone and thrown it up today
Mama. Didn’t mean to bake your pie
If the meat’s not in the fridge this time tomorrow
It’s carrion, carrion
As if vegan chili matters
Join us for our only public performance this weekend, Thursday night at The Avenue in Viera, 5 to 8…
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