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Absolute Blue Invitation 12/25/20 - 12/26/20
Absolute Blue Holidicizes
Here at Absolute Blue we take our holidays seriously, as evidenced by the recent Arbor Day fiasco and since the charges are still pending and to prevent any further chaos, Bill suggested we not leave it up to Santa, as considering how this year went, he is afraid what would be left under the tree. Initially we just considered this case of claustrophobia but he may very well be right. After all, it seems we have been in a state of flux so much of the year that at this point it seems that it’s one big cluster flux. So we wrote down all our names and gift suggestions and drew from a hat, through a highly questionable process as I wound up with all names including my own. Turns out the hat was made in Venezuela under the Chavez label, which explains things. So now looks like I have to acquire the following before the 25th:
-Kevin is asking for some plastic wrap for his food products to truly achieve Sarandipity.
-Tom, after recently converting to Judaism, requests anything from the Just For Menorahs product line.
-Newly retired, Don has traveled to Antarctica and now needs an Arctic trip to be considered bipolar.
-Bill wants NFL tickets so I was able to get Jets season passes under the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Football program.
-Skip requested some low end liquor and I was fortunately able to secure a case of Whiskey In Name Only online so he can enjoy as a true WINO.
Join us for a post holiday celebration at our newest venue, Kelly’s Burgers & Beers, Saturday from 7 to 10. It’s at 650 N Wickham in Melbourne, just south of Sarno in that shopping center...
Absolute Blue Invitation 12/18/20 - 12/20/20
Absolute Blue Attributizes
For far too long there has been a refusal to acknowledge a serious manifestation of our current crisis, where out of work musicians are being forced to seek other means of employment, often with disastrous results. This so called bandemic needs to be recognized preferably at a state and federal level with significant and non refundable bailout money or even job training for potential lobbyists or at least a copy of Money Laundering for Dummies. And we’re not talking about the time Kevin and Don worked for an agency of the New York governor’s office and wound up charged with Christymeanors or when Tom was found with a large piano and was accused of Grand Larceny or when Skip lit his instrument on fire and was the first to be indicted for Guitarson. No, this time it’s serious and may mean the beginning of the end for Absolute Blue, Where Music Goes To Die. Current complaints include:
-Tom picked up some work at a funeral home where cadavers turned up missing which they are saying is a clear case of Postmortembezzlement.
-Don sketched a silhouette of a female coworker and was subsequently charged with Rachel profiling.
-Kevin started writing soft core under the pen name Slick Dickens but copied extensively from existing works and now faces charges of Foreplaygerism.
-Bill expanded his landscaping business to include ornamental pieces, many of which were delivered broken which is being treated as a case of Gnomestic Violence.
-Skip was asked to step down from his position as roadie for Chicago amid allegations of 25 or 6 to Forgery.
Join us for a pre Christmas get together at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 6 to 10 Friday…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/27/20 - 11/28/20
Absolute Blue Denializes
In light of recent events, we pored through documents stored in the Absolute Blue archives and found that upon being voted Entertainer of the Year for the inaugural Brevard Live Music Awards, we never conceded to the following year’s winner. And that powers such as granting pardons for egregious acts of musicality, like playing Free Bird, convening special sessions of duly appointed musical representatives, mostly to tell fart jokes and the Absolute Blue rate from State Farm were never officially transferred. So we maintain that we remain Entertainers of the Years for each year since and deem all subsequent ballots cast since as null and void. We immediately assembled a crack team of lawyers, or more appropriately a team of crack lawyers, personally inspected for any suspicious hair care products, and began litigation to reinstate our rightful position as your reigning local sovereign musical royalty. Under the advice of our attorneys, the band then filed a motion to proceed with litigation without Tom, but a judge found the allegations bassless. So under independent council we approached the more critical phases of our ballot challenges:
-Tom found ballots written in crayon that we are attempting to invalidate in a process that is being named crayolagate.
-Bill is proposing to nullify all votes due to Russian influences such as Smirnoff, Popov and Stoli.
-Kevin found evidence of emotionally dead voters casting passionless ballots for candidates they were apathetic towards.
-Skip found that the abacus the votes were tabulated on was made in China, as were the paper the votes were printed on, the ink the votes were printed with and possibly even Tom as his parents suspiciously took a trip to the Hunan province several months before he was born.
-Don, as an ardent Giants fan, joined the #StopThe Steelers group after some confusion over #BlockThemUp.
Join us for a post Thanksgiving celebration Friday at Main Street in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 11/06/20 - 11/07/20
Absolute Blue Pollarizes
In a desperate attempt to meet the contractual requirement of unlimited Old Milwaukee Light for life for vested band members upon retirement, we were able to secure a pre election stake using the latest wagering concept, the polfecta, which ranks the accuracy of all the major polls. By leveraging capital and equity in a number of different corporate funds, such as the Absolute Blue 401(JK), the Accidental Death By Dismemberment endowment, the Completely Mental Dental reserves, the Family Leave trust (which Skip thought was cash used to leave your family) and the Health Savings Account administered by our Mexico office (H ese), we were able to come up with $376.58 which was sent directly to a shady if not underworld Vegas gaming organization, Bets ‘R Us. We expect significant if not taxable returns on this should we be able to select the top 5 most accurate polls, in no particular order. So on our ticket:
1) Seminole Poll: Conducted by FSU it places Biden as the decisive winner, declaring victory with the tomahawk chop. Or first down, I could never tell.
2) Casserole Poll: Effectively operated by Cosmo reading, PTA attending suburban housewives after the dishes are done.
3) Birth Control Poll: Left leaning poll that emphasizes individual rights and if not, responsible gender reveals.
4) Rock and Roll Poll: The Nuge declares an all out Red Tide as he officially announces his ultra far right activist group, the Wang Dang Gang.
5) Coal Poll: Predicting a narrow GOP victory, signaling a blow to renewable energy but introducing some amazing stocking stuffers.
Join us or a Saturday night at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 6 to 10…
Upcoming Events
| Fri Jan 21 @ 7:30PM - 11:30PM Mo's |
| Sat Jan 22 @ 6:00PM - 10:00PM Mainstreet |
| Sun Jan 23 @ 4:00PM - 08:00PM Squid Lips |