Absolute Blue Invitation 5/28/21 - 5/31/21

Absolute Blue Grammarizes

Creating this post is not easy. There are many considerations, rules and guidelines to follow. And as any horn player will tell you, the Chicago Manual Of Style is the indispensable reference for usage and grammar that is globally accepted. But for the rest of us these are simply archaic and outmoded standards that have no relevance to our current communication needs. So in an attempt to put the heart and soul back into our very specialized message, we have developed a new program we like to call Funktuation. Designed to maintain the status quotation mark, cure irritable vowel syndrome and to be used tilde end of time. Unfortunately, the Oxford was previously copyrighted, so we began our efforts with the most Democratic of all characters, the Obama comma. This led to a series of questionable decisions that could have longstanding legal ramifications. Please peruse the following which have been developed by our crack team of linguists, or our team of crack linguists. In any case, we are sure to put the ass in asterisk.

-A character specifically to be used when video conferencing, the zumlaut.

-Another to be used only by divorced couples with children, the coparentheses.

-Due to our interest in soft core porn, we bring you the sexclamation point.

-Since we are all members of Team Jacob, we created the vampersand.

-Designed to appeal to Coen brother fans, we present the Buscemi colon.

-The one character that no one really knows how to use correctly, as sometimes it indicates possession, other times plurality and others still, contraction. We therefore bring you the impostrophy.

Join us for a big holiday weekend as we take the next week off to finally solve this Middle East problem. We start things off with a return to Sunset in Cocoa Beach, on 520 at the beautiful Indian River, Friday from 6 to 10…

Then Saturday we’re back at Kelly’s Burgers and Beers in Melbourne, on Wickham just south of Sarno, from 7 to 10…

And we celebrate the holiday the only way we know how, with a Monday afternoon at Malabar Mo’s, 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 5/07/21 - 5/08/21

Absolute Blue Floralizes

Unbeknownst to our Board of Directors, the Absolute Blue Horticultural Division has been conducting some questionable experiments in an effort to create a more disease resistant, yet high yield product. Unfortunately they used the grafting stock from my Father’s Mother’s farm, where containers of nuclear waste had been improperly stored. This gramma radiation proved to have altered the source DNA dramatically and this had unpredictable results. To the extent that their transportation team, Driving This Daisy, has verified cases where they have in fact become sentient. In one, the subject only responded to Hebrew and was later christened the first example of the Brissanthemum. In another, a plant started growing out of discarded chewing tobacco, which later became known as the Spittunia. A last desperate plan was quickly put together to put an end to this before they become self-aware, called Hail Marigold. Until then we are forced to recognize these genetic mutations, which include:

-A fragrant bush that responds favorably to Kenny G, the Smooth Jasmine.

-A purple flowering herbaceous species that reacts to Fox News called The Big Lilac.

-A Republican leaning variety known as Billy’s Lilies.

-A mildly hallucinogenic type of vegetation called the Euphorchid.

-An annual that unwittingly blooms even after all cellular activity has ceased, the ReinCarnation.

-A perennial amaryllis that inadvertently flowers with no petals, the Halfodil.

Make sure to join us this Saturday night at Mainstreet in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation 4/23/21 - 4/25/21

Absolute Blue Realizes

It was a tough decision, but we wound up closing down our do-it-yourself orthodontics service, Brace Yourself. The kind of choice you immediately regret, like when your boat motor gives out in the shallows, it’s Row vs Wade. So we turned our attention to a sure source of quick revenue: Real Estate. Because nothing describes The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love more than ‘broker’. And it was great at first. But turns out you’re supposed to have a ‘license’. And you can’t make up stuff about the property, even if you want it to be true. This led to the return of a substantial deposit for the Barbara Eden Bordello house and paying all closing costs for the Jim Morrison Peed In The Corner home. So we’re learning as we go but still don’t know why they call it a listing when the building is perfectly straight. And did you know if you are underwater in your home you have wrequity? If your family is from Central America you may have aztequity? And if you are in a Mims mobile home you most likely have rednequity? Yes, it’s fascinating. We also have plans to introduce a new financial product that you never have to worry about paying off as it is paid in perpetuity, called the evermortgage. And we now know that escrow is not just graffiti on a black bird. And that it’s currently a cellar’s market, most likely due to the lack of basements in our area. Sure, with others you may get foreclosed but we are prepared to offer 5. Just remember that Fanny Mae but Holly Would…

Join us for a big weekend of playing hits and breaking hips starting Friday at Squidlips in Melbourne 6-10...

Then we’re back to Tiki Bar & Grill, in Sebastian on Indian River Boulevard just south of Main Street, from 7-11...

And we finish off with a Sunday afternoon at Sandbar, at the end of 520 in Cocoa Beach, from 4-8...