Absolute Blue Invitation 6/11/21 - 6/13/21

Absolute Blue Elementizes

We at Absolute Blue have always taken a deep interest in the sciences. Skip was even a Particle Physics major. Or maybe it was no particular Physics. Either way, there’s a reason that Bill’s nickname was Ferrous Bueller. And remember that time that Don accidently discovered a new chemical compound while attempting to light a bathroom candle? Talk about your noble gases. This even pertains to investing, as Tom diversified his portfolio between ionic and covalent bonds. Just like Kevin always says, it’s better to be carbonated than carbon dated. And with barely a coherent thought we bring you what we like to call the Beeriodic Table, beginning with the most basic of elements, Absolute Blutonium, The Worst Metal You’ll Ever Love. But that’s not all. So grab yourself an Oxygin and Tonic as we are sure to put the Ass in Potassium. Most of the below have only been synthesized in lavatories, although others have been known to occur naturally. Still others were created though precise chemical reactions, requiring a specific mentos-to-coke ratio:

-Flossphorous, an essential for good oral hygiene.

-Goodnitrogen, developed for use as an anesthetic

-A dense, ductile transition metal used in trash compactors, Flattenum.

-The scariest element, Afraidium.

-The tastiest of all elements, the key lime flavored Piedrogen.

-N’zinc, containing the very essence of boy bands.

-The Los Angeles based nutrient, SouthernCalcium.

-The most patriotic mineral, Flagnesium.

We start off a big weekend at Tiki Bar & Grill in Sebastian, on Indian River Blvd just south of Main Street, 7 to 11 Friday…

Then it’s Mainstreet in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10 Saturday…

And we close the weekend out at Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, Sunday 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 5/28/21 - 5/31/21

Absolute Blue Grammarizes

Creating this post is not easy. There are many considerations, rules and guidelines to follow. And as any horn player will tell you, the Chicago Manual Of Style is the indispensable reference for usage and grammar that is globally accepted. But for the rest of us these are simply archaic and outmoded standards that have no relevance to our current communication needs. So in an attempt to put the heart and soul back into our very specialized message, we have developed a new program we like to call Funktuation. Designed to maintain the status quotation mark, cure irritable vowel syndrome and to be used tilde end of time. Unfortunately, the Oxford was previously copyrighted, so we began our efforts with the most Democratic of all characters, the Obama comma. This led to a series of questionable decisions that could have longstanding legal ramifications. Please peruse the following which have been developed by our crack team of linguists, or our team of crack linguists. In any case, we are sure to put the ass in asterisk.

-A character specifically to be used when video conferencing, the zumlaut.

-Another to be used only by divorced couples with children, the coparentheses.

-Due to our interest in soft core porn, we bring you the sexclamation point.

-Since we are all members of Team Jacob, we created the vampersand.

-Designed to appeal to Coen brother fans, we present the Buscemi colon.

-The one character that no one really knows how to use correctly, as sometimes it indicates possession, other times plurality and others still, contraction. We therefore bring you the impostrophy.

Join us for a big holiday weekend as we take the next week off to finally solve this Middle East problem. We start things off with a return to Sunset in Cocoa Beach, on 520 at the beautiful Indian River, Friday from 6 to 10…

Then Saturday we’re back at Kelly’s Burgers and Beers in Melbourne, on Wickham just south of Sarno, from 7 to 10…

And we celebrate the holiday the only way we know how, with a Monday afternoon at Malabar Mo’s, 4 to 8…

Absolute Blue Invitation 5/07/21 - 5/08/21

Absolute Blue Floralizes

Unbeknownst to our Board of Directors, the Absolute Blue Horticultural Division has been conducting some questionable experiments in an effort to create a more disease resistant, yet high yield product. Unfortunately they used the grafting stock from my Father’s Mother’s farm, where containers of nuclear waste had been improperly stored. This gramma radiation proved to have altered the source DNA dramatically and this had unpredictable results. To the extent that their transportation team, Driving This Daisy, has verified cases where they have in fact become sentient. In one, the subject only responded to Hebrew and was later christened the first example of the Brissanthemum. In another, a plant started growing out of discarded chewing tobacco, which later became known as the Spittunia. A last desperate plan was quickly put together to put an end to this before they become self-aware, called Hail Marigold. Until then we are forced to recognize these genetic mutations, which include:

-A fragrant bush that responds favorably to Kenny G, the Smooth Jasmine.

-A purple flowering herbaceous species that reacts to Fox News called The Big Lilac.

-A Republican leaning variety known as Billy’s Lilies.

-A mildly hallucinogenic type of vegetation called the Euphorchid.

-An annual that unwittingly blooms even after all cellular activity has ceased, the ReinCarnation.

-A perennial amaryllis that inadvertently flowers with no petals, the Halfodil.

Make sure to join us this Saturday night at Mainstreet in downtown Melbourne from 6 to 10…