Absolute Blue Invitation 12/07/18 - 12/08/18

Absolute Blue Surveils

We are watching with great interest what is happening even as we speak at the border as migrants are growing frustrated with the slow asylum process and reports are that some have attempted to escape capture and scale a fence to breach the border. But our biggest fear is that this is simply a diversion and because we as an organization are well versed in international relations as well as celebrity gossip, our Absolute Blue Intelligence Report has indicated that on yet another border there is in fact another caravan, this one a silver Dodge carrying several refugees seeking sanctuary from Canada’s repressive socialized heath care and tyrannically polite regime. Unconfirmed reports state that this group includes an out of work Tupperware salesman, a highly suspicious former waitress, a poorly trained magician, a crusty juggler, a colicky infant and a troubled teenager that refuses to do chores. Their intentions remain unknown but their group has reported links to Tim Horton’s and perhaps even a nearby Hooters. A Fish and Wildlife officer is currently holding them at bay with a dozen glazed donuts until reinforcements arrive. We will continue to monitor their movements with the entire arsenal of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love’s cutting edge technology, up to but not including our newly designed drone, which is really just a generic brand disposable camera duct taped to a Mylar balloon from Publix…

Anyways, join us for our last public appearance of the year Friday at Squid Lips in Melbourne from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 11/16/18 - 11/18/18

Absolute Blue Jests

After a surprise audit from the Association of Witticisms, Fartjokes, Anecdotes and Linguistics, we have learned that we are dangerously close to our quota for the year. To be considered AWFAL in our existing Humerical category, one step below Humorous, we are limited to a total of 100 Retorts, Quips, Wisecracks and/or Gags each year. As a result we run the risk of being non-compliant and losing our accreditation as an AWFAL Feature and its resultant tax exempt status. Although we take issue with some of the AWFAL rulings, feeling that many of those classified as ‘comedy’ are more closely related to Satirical Allegory, Nationalistic Hyperbole or Political Rhetoric. But alas, the Association has made their decision and our goal now is to make the best of it. And as we redefine our commitment to being AWFAL, we are being limited to one joke per week for the rest of the fiscal year. So after much deliberation, we bring you this week’s selection, as we look for more AWFAL things to come in the upcoming year:

How is obtaining a considerable task that must be attended to like getting a tall prostitute to propel a small dinghy? One is getting a long row to hoe and the other is getting a long hoe to row.

We will let that sink in…

In the meantime, please join us for a special Sunday performance at Tipsy Tiki in Ft. Pierce, just off Seaway and 14^th, from 2 to 6…

Absolute Blue Invitation 11/09/18 - 11/10/18

Absolute Blue Connects

We are all connected. Really, really connected. We are never far from technology. We carry smart devices, drive smart cars, eat smart food, feed smart pets, wear smart clothes. But in the process we are creating volumes of data. Detailing where we go, what we do and how we do it. I myself was able to order Domino’s driving down I95. Sure the pepperoni was cold and I missed my exit, but what a convenience! The problem is that now that Siri knows I like my delivery at 80 miles an hour on the interstate, I am now inundated with offers for Chinese on a side street, Burgers on the causeway or Tacos in a school zone. Let’s face it. Big brother is not only watching, he’s listening. And taking notes. But we had to learn the hard way:

-By not reading his end user license agreement Don is legally required to send copies of each fax he receives to Google for review and archival.

-Due to Skip’s North Carolinian drawl, or perhaps browser history, instead of accessing his genealogy website, Siri connected him to incestry dot com.

-Frequent review of users associated with your social media accounts is critical. After performing a routine audit Kevin found friend requests from Ted Bundy, Bernie Madoff and Harvey Weinstein on his MySpace account.

-Bill’s ‘smart’ house has unknowingly been logging data on each time he turns out the light, one clap at a time.

-Tom was forced to relinquish his iPhone and is now working with a beeper after mistakenly loading an app that not only logged and archived but graded and corrected Texts, then failing to maintain a D minus average. Comments included ‘Horrifically Inane’, ‘Pontifically Trite’ and sometimes simply ‘Dude!’.

Join us for another weekend at Keith’s Oyster Bar at Cocoa Beach Pier from 6 to 10 both Friday and Saturday…