Absolue Blue Invitation - 10/25/19 - 10/26/19

Absolute Blue Breaksfastizes

We remain undeterred by past failures in deployment of goods and services from our Absolute Blue Culinary Arts division and have developed yet another efficient if not edible innovation tailored to today’s modern lifestyle. It’s a step above our earlier efforts, such as Runaway Café, which revolutionizes fast food by eliminating the need to stop. Merely drive by and we provide a variety of poorly made menu items through an open window. Unfortunately, we left coffee on the menu and as a cash only venture Kevin was in concussion protocol multiple times when customers paid with rolls of quarters. We can’t even mention our other programs due to pending litigation, such as our chicken delivery system, based on Meals on Wheels, called Fryers on Tires. This time we scale things back and focus on the most simple of products for the most important meal: 

-Discount Chocula: Budget version of the beloved breakfast food produced with questionable ingredients by questionable workers under questionable conditions. Made with real chalk. 

-Honey Bunches of Boats: Gelatinous plant based fragments stamped into various shapes resembling canoes, sloops and pontoon boats. Special Halloween edition includes Titanic, Lusitania and Mary Celeste. 

-Alfalfa Bits: Our vegan entry. To be avoided at all costs. See also Beirut Loops. 

-MooseLix: All organic and so named as that’s how Don described the taste. Not sure we want to know any more but one thing’s for sure, it puts the NO! in granola. 

-Tweeties: These bits of leftover carcasses and recycled cardboard are designed to appeal to the younger generation and spell out such nonsense as LOL, OMG and WTF. Guaranteed to have no nutritional or grammatical value. 

Join us for a special Saturday at Sunset Cafe in Cocoa Beach, where 520 meets the river, from 5 to 10…

Absolute Blue Invitation - 10/18/19 - 10/19/19

Absolute Blue Elegizes

‘Twas the night ‘fore All Hallows and all through the bar,

The horn dogs weren’t drinking like they usually are.

I asked as they sat all alone on their stools,

“Why are you sitting there looking like fools?”

“There’s no beer!”, cried Don, while Kevin just wept,

And pointed to shelves where the beer’s usually kept.

No bottles of Molson, no cans of Red Stripe,

No half drunken bottles of Michelob Light.

No Konas, no Buschs and no Funky Buddha,

No autumnal ales that go well with smoked gouda.

No Guinness, no Blue Moon, no pale ale in growlers.

We’ve been here just waiting, it’s been several hours.

Then from the back room there arose such a clatter,

I jumped up but thought, without beer does it matter?

Then who should appear but a man with a dolly,

And on it were Yuenglings and girls from St Pauli,

Some Stellas, Dos Equis, Milwaukee s Best Ice,

(They’re tough to choke down but you can’t beat the price).

“Thanks!” we all said as we reached for our glasses

And filled them with bock and stouts thick as molasses.

We filled them with pilsners and cold IPA’s,

With luke warm malt liquor we could drink for days.

He winked and he said as he left for the night,

“Happy All Hallows y’all, and to all a good fright…”

Join us for a special Cancer Awareness benefit at the Palm Bay Eagles, 2570 Palm Bay Road, from 7:30 to 10:30 Saturday…

Absolute Blue Invitation 10/04/19 - 10/06/19

Absolute Blue Attornizes

When we look back over the years it’s truly amazing how little we’ve accomplished. We are forced to search deep within ourselves, introspectively, for any sign of success, such as being well meaning Republicans. Or our lack of prostrate or incontinence issues, depends. Or the fact that despite numerous attempts, we have not been sued. Successfully. In civil court. In a state beginning with the letter ‘S’. This we can directly attribute to our crack team of lawyers. Or more appropriately our team of crack lawyers. Few realize it but our trumpet player obtained a law degree, thanks to an offshore non accredited ‘college’ and a twenty dollar bill. He worked his way up to partner in the Welsh firm Wynkyn, Blynkyn and Don, formerly known as Litigations ‘R’ Us. But the credit goes to other organizations as well:

-The firm that has exclusive rights to all our divorces and prices at a bulk rate thanks to Kevin: Ditcher, Quickly and Hyde.

-For civil matters that seem to take forever we work with Herry, Yupp and Waite.

-For more aggressive legal matters we turn to Screwem, Goode and Hart.

-When asked if we will be pursuing litigation, we refer the respondent to the law offices of F. Ennay Wrightiam.

-There is a special office specifically for harassment complaints, which are handled by Wamm, Bamm and T. Hankumamm.

Join us for our only public performance this week, Saturday night as we return to the Tiki in Sebastian, on Indian River just north of Main Street, from 7 to 11…