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Absolute Blue Invitation 9/13/13 - 9/15/13
Absolute Blue’s Cooldown
Much has been made of Middle East politics and the role that oil plays in our foreign policies. Our petroleum consumption requirements have required us to set up puppet governments, endorse questionable leaders and invoke doctrine that inevitably comes back to bite us squarely in the ass. But what’s missing here is an even more important agenda. While we have worried about filling up our vehicles with diesel and keeping crude prices manageable, a basic human need goes unrecognized. It is high time we turn our focus from Syria, Egypt and Portugal to a country that truly threatens our way of life. It’s time to strike and strike hard at our Icelandic oppressors. For years they have mocked us with their strange accents and abundant fishing. Without action now we run the risk of a future filled with warm mai tais, coolers filled with sand and an absence of slushies. Just think of a world where victorious coaches are doused with tepid sports drink. Yes, it brings chills. I know what you’re thinking: Why stop there and not take the next logical step? But strikes against Greenland are not advised as we have many sources of green like rainbows and prisms and such…
You can make a difference. Write your congressman in support of the Blame Iceland initiative or simply pass a $20 to any band member…
This weekend we bring you three chances to get out of the house and into the mix. Friday finds us at Siggy’s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:30…
Then Saturday it’s back to Squid Lips from 7 to 11…
And Sunday we wrap things up with a rain or shine performance at SBI 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 9/06/13 - 9/07/13
Absolute Blue’s Exilation
Unfortunately Absolute Blue, against advice of counsel, took advantage of a seldom used ruling to apply for their collective green card as a group, however now their immigration status is tied together so any singular improprieties affect each other. This includes when they did the thing at the place as well as that one time. Turns out that The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love has been under surveillance for some time. An anonymous tip led to a covert operation, run by a series of agents fueled by camphor and desolation that has left Absolute Blue at the brink of expatriation with, for once, no clue as to who to bribe. They were even able to infiltrate the secret location of the Band Cave, which is really just a beer bottle filled bench next to a porta potty. Among their findings:
Suspicions arose when Tom showed up for his naturalization hearing naked. Again.
Skip repeatedly referred to bicameral legislation as dual dromedary.
Bill is on the USCIS watch list for his repeated reference to ‘Citizen and Gimmegration’ policies.
Due to Kevin’s many antics, there is a strong possibility that the band will be deported, most probably to starboard.
Don routinely roots against the SEC which, while not unconstitutional, is most probably against one or more Bill of Rights.
And we’d like to add, for those of you that think they can control the band, tell us what to think and say, we’ve got news for you. It’s going to cost you, and not just beer this time…
Friday it’s an early street party in Cape Canaveral from 6 to 10. The party can be found at the corner of Taylor and Poinsetta Avenues, just a mile or so north of 520…
The Saturday we’re back at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…
Absolute Blue Invitation 8/30/13 - 9/01/13
Absolute Blue’s Twerking
Let’s get something straight. Miley Cyrus’ performance at the VMA’s was not exactly earth shattering. While it is always inspiring to see a performer break new ground, which is just what she did, both as an artist and a hooker. In our opinion, we’d have to say that she performed a public service by offering up a personal dance to the entire country. One can only imagine the millions of American males, ok and perhaps some females, standing next to the tv, folded dollars in hand during her performance. But could this be a sign of something more provocative to come? Could a stint on Cake Boss be close at hand, perhaps teaming with her father at the Achy Breaky Bakery? And while we’re not exactly sure what twerking is, we’d be more than happy to Google it if the NSA wasn’t watching. Therefore, we will deal with this in the finest of Absolute Blue traditions, the same way we deal with band history, legal documents and song lyrics: we make ‘em up. So our options, as we see them, for defining the twerk:
From the Latin ‘tuorok’, meaning one of moronic or imbecilic nature, e.g., ‘Et tu, tuorok?’
A combination of ‘To’ and ‘Work’ as evidenced by any of 7 dwarfs or their respective handmaiden.
In legislative terms, slang for Filibuster, i.e., ‘Pulosi twerked the hell out of HR6604’.
A state of transition when you are in between social media and your place of employment.
After all, we’re just twalking about twerking…
We open up a big Labor Day weekend with a Friday night at Lou’s Blues from 9:30 to 1:30…
Then Saturday it’s an evening at the Pineda Inn, on US1, just 1 mile north of Pineda, from 7 to 11…
And Sunday we return to Coconuts from 2 to 6…
Absolute Blue Invitation 8/23/13 - 8/25/13
Absolute Blue Infects
We have been informed that last week’s invitation included a virus of sorts. This particularly malicious worm, a so called Trojan Horse for its ability to penetrate even the most stringent of defenses as well as its inability to reproduce, affects all major file systems and user files in particular. It is notorious for reorganizing documents into logical partitions, based on past usage, efficiently presenting and linking files based on consumer best practices, removing unnecessary files, thereby increasing productivity and archiving unused files as well as prioritizing system objects based on a complex algorithm that includes user forecasting and interpolation of user needs. This can result in chaos, with system speeds exceeding expectations, an overabundance of storage capacity, an absence of system errors; in short, a virtual anarchy. If you suspect that you are a victim of this malevolent malware you may want to take the following steps:
Randomly assign files to folders such as 1987 Fashion, Aunt Betty’s Recipes and Bea Arthur Pics.
Keep a list of all passwords taped to your monitor for easy retrieval.
For truly safe computing, power down your monitor so no one on the internet can see what you’re doing.
To keep your computer clean, consider purchasing the new dishwasher safe line of notebooks and tablets.
And always remember, the Recycle Bin is a great place to store all your important documents…
This weekend we bring you 3 chances to partake in the mediocrity that is The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. We start things off at Squid Lips from 7-11 Friday…
Then Saturday it’s back to The Old Fish House in Grant from 6 to 10…
And Sunday join us at the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach, at the end of 520, from 4 to 8…
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