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Absolute Blue Invitation 3/08/13 - 3/09/13

Absolute Blue Reacts

There was a time when an inhabitant of our little rock, hurtling through the universe at 9300 miles an minute, felt safe. Recent events have proven that this is no longer true. Blizzards continue to pummel the north. Celestial bodies rain down upon us. The earth actually reaching up and grabbing one of our fine citizens. The Kardashians. There�s probably that whole ozone thing going on too. And if that�s not enough, Dennis Rodman d�tentes with Kim Jong Un. Clearly it is time for clear and decisive action to save us from this Global Storming. Other bands may sit idly by while havoc is unleashed around them, but The Worst Band You�ll Ever Love has taken it upon themselves to develop a clear strategy to combat these ever growing threats to our existence. Action items include:

Due to receding polar ice caps and herds of displaced native fauna, we propose a new program, A Penguin In Every Freezer.
A tsunami early warning system that will not only predict the size and time of impact, but alert surfers statewide for the ride of a lifetime. Perhaps to Orlando.
The first relocation of a major US city from Boston to Palatka. Many herds of goats have protested, but what the hell.
To deal with recurring wildfires, a temporary ban on public urination in parts of California and Colorado.
The world�s first meteorite deflection system, consisting of a series of really big rubber bands.

So there you have it. Think you�re gonna get something like this from Greg and Brian? Well, maybe but a coupla ours just might work�

We begin our weekend with a Friday night at Siggy�s in Palm Bay from 9:30 to 1:00...

Then Saturday it�s The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10...

Absolute Blue Invitation 3/01/13 - 3/03/13

Absolute Blue Races

Now that NASCAR and ARCA racing are in full swing, we take time to celebrate this sport we know as Auto Racing. And the fact that we finally had a Daytona 500 run with a driver we wouldn�t mind seeing naked. But enough about Jimmy Johnson. It doesn�t matter whether you�re a Danimaniac or a Waltripper, a Gordonator or a Labonte Hunter, racing has something for everyone. But there is much to learn about this ever changing sport. For example, did you know that you get to keep any car parts that errantly fly off and strike you? Well, it�s true, if you live. With that in mind we have scoured most of the internets and researched this subject in depth. That and most of the Lingerie Football League teams. So even if you don�t know your gearshift from a prnd3l there is still a possibility that you can still appreciate the following list of little known facts about the automotive industry:

Henry Ford�s bestselling book about his life became the first autobiography.

When exhaust was found to cause cancer it became the first carcinogen.

Ford also found the perfect gas pedal and called it the Excellerator.

Early efforts to curtail emissions were aimed to mimic cow flatulence and the first cattlitic converter was developed.

There was also a water cooling system marketed to Loyalists called the tratorater.

And did you hear about the new manual transmission named for Absolute Blue after the last jaeger shot: Five on the floor...

It�s a full weekend for The Worst Band You�ll Ever Love, beginning Friday at Squid Lips from 7 to 11..

Then Saturday we serve up a rare doubleheader starting at the Grant Seafood Festival from 1 to 3:15, then move it on down to the Cocoa Beach Pier from 7 to 11...

Sunday we return to Malabar Mo�s for the first time in years and play 4 to 8...

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/22/13 - 2/24/13

Absolute Blue Probed

We are sad to announce that The Worst Band You�ll Ever Love has once again been cited for improprieties. In this case, an unnamed source has accused the band of excessively ethical conduct. The person spoke on conditions of anonymity due to the allegations not being released pubically and the fact that it�s embarrassing enough to be associated with the band. Absolute Blue Inc. has not issued an official statement but its governing body, the Brevard Association of Singers, Trapeze Artists, Republicans, Democrats and Scientologists has determined that the allegations are serious enough to warrant investigation or at least put down the remote for a minute. Several others are named in the allegations, including a poodle groomer, two exotic dancers both named �Density� and a user Hyundai salesman, but only Absolute Blue is facing charges under BASTARDS rule 10.101.20.14. Among the individual charges:

According to reports, Bill was excessively honest when asked, does this make my butt look big.

When being told a dirty joke that Kevin heard before, he abruptly stopped them.

Skip disclosed decidedly personal details on his prostrate and showed an inappropriate appendectomy scar when asked how he was doing.

When told to have a good day, Don did just that.

We are still waiting on the few and extremely suspect reports of Tom ever being honest.

Sanctions can include corporal punishment of the privates, confiscation of our collectively earned NRA certification or in the most egregious of cases, revocation of alcohol rights. In response, a band representative criticized the organization for being far too polite and having an overabundance of civility that borders on reverence. The BASTARDS are still trying to figure out what the hell that means�

We have been granted permission to perform while we appeal these findings which is good news considering a big weekend begins Friday at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10�

Then Saturday it�s the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on the river from 7 to 11�

And we wrap things up with a Sunday afternoon at the Sandbar in Cocoa Beach just north of 520 on the beach, from 4 to 8�

Absolute Blue Invitation 2/15/13 - 2/17/13

Absolute Blue Hocks

Now that football is over, baseball hasn�t started and basketball isn�t interesting yet, we turn our attention to a sport loved by the entire state of Canada, most of Russia, parts of the Ukraine, some of Sweden and a few Lithuanians. Of course I speak of Hockey, which combines the beauty and grace of skating with the pageantry and rivalry of Professional Wrestling. And while popularity of this sport has lagged behind NFL, MLB, NBA, MLS, LPGA, ATP, NASCAR and the Westminster Dog Show, it remains highly popular among key demographics such as Convicted Felons, Those That Have Felony Convictions Pending and Those Most Likely To Commit Felonies. We want to do our part in spreading the word on the brutal combination of balance, skill, speed and violence by providing a summary of common Hockey terms:

Checking: Contact made with the hip, body or other implements to force an opponent to surrender the puck, slow the player down, extract blood from them or to piss him off.

Tripping: Strategic placement of one�s head, torso or appendages in an effort to force an opponent to the ice surface resulting in death, permanent dismemberment or just pissing him off.

Slashing: An intentional maneuvering of one�s stick in an aggressive manner with an intent to cause injury, flinching or to piss him off.

Boarding: When a player uses their own or any borrowed body parts to forcibly run an opponent into the natural barrier that surrounds the ice and keeps blood, phlegm and body parts away from spectators, in an effort to maim, brutalize or simply piss off an opponent.

Spearing: Using the stick blade to voluntarily remove an internal organ, gouge, or otherwise gash another player. Or to piss him off.

Any of the above will result in a penalty, in which the offending player would be relegated to the penalty box where he would feel shame for two, five or ten minutes or perhaps indefinitely for extreme infractions, such as operating a Zamboni under the influence, or ZUI.

Now that you are fully informed of the only internationally recognized sport that permits, if not encourages fighting, we leave you with a single opportunity to get your dose of Absolute Blue this weekend: Sunday at Sebastian Beach Inn from 2 to 6�

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