Absolute Blue Invitation 2/01/13 - 2/02/13

Absolute Blue Sports

As we look forward to the impending event that is the Super Bowl, we reflect on the magnificence of competition, as finely tuned athletes perform in an atmosphere of sportsmanship through which we can learn as much about our fellow man as we do about ourselves. But mostly we look forward to the commercials and occasional wardrobe malfunction. And let’s not forget about other spectator sports such as hockey and its glorious violence, the advent of the X Games and its target demographic of 20 something Mountain Dew drinking lost souls, and who can deny the remarkable marketing synergy between Professional Bull Riding and Pabst Blue Ribbon. It is with this in mind that we bring you the lesser known physical accomplishments of The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. Little of the below can be documented but we found it on the internet so it has to be true:

Don was conditionally accepted into his High School football team as part of their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Kevin’s efforts to establish Fishing as an Olympic event have to date proved fruitless. However he still considers himself a Weapon of Bass Destruction.

Billy’s once promising baseball career was cut short by a coach that was follicularly insensitive to his needs.

Tom lettered in Croquet and was the Unofficial Recording Secretary for the Full Contact Debate Team.

Although Skip was home schooled, he was into competitive cooking from a young age and assumed a position on his local extreme baking team where his cupcakes were well known for their volatility.

So ends the athletic contributions of Absolute Blue. Perhaps for the greater good…

Join us Friday for our only performance this weekend at Lou’s Blues from 9:30 to 1:30…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/25/13 - 1/26/13

Absolute Blue Reveals

With respect to the recent controversies surrounding sports figures, we feel obliged to offer some insight that can only come from The Worst Band You’ll Ever Love. And with all due respect to Lance, telling us you never use juiced is like Absolute Blue saying they don’t like beer. But as far as hoaxes go, our Corporate headquarters were so concerned that they dispatched a team of lawyers to ensure the validity of all subsidiary/parent communications and guarantee their stature as an upstanding organization, but mostly to cover their collective asses, which is a substantial amount of real estate. Through a series of investigations, surreptitious surveillance and clandestine scrutiny we have discovered the following revelations. Shocking as they may seem, we feel it’s best to disclose this today instead of it being twittered tomorrow:

For seven years Bill has been walking a dog that does not exist. The leash used is also brought into question.

Tom has been paying on a fictitious mortgage for 15 years. Turns out the Bank was also imaginary.

While Don maintains he has been playing the trumpet for 31 years, it’s really been 32.

Through the years Kevin’s fish have only been ‘caught’ from the other side of the counter at Publix.

Skip has been playing nothing but air guitar for 21 years.

So there you have it, we’ve finally come clean. But as my cousin’s husband, or cousband, keeps telling me, never pass up a perfectly good opportunity to shut the hell up…

This weekend it’s not your imagination, it’s Absolute Blue at The Old Fish House at Treasure Coast Marina in Grant from 6 to 10…

Then Saturday at the Tiki Bar in Sebastian, just south of Main Street on the river from 7 to 11…

Absolute Blue Invitation 1/18/13 - 1/19/13

Absolute Blue Naturalized

Now that details have been leaked to several of the internets, a few news agencies and Oprah, Absolute Blue would like to make a statement regarding their individual and collective nationality. While it is true that none of the members were actually born in the United States, a couple were produced in Commonwealth Protectorates or Non Self Governing Territories. When individual applications for US citizenry were denied based on local bias, pending charges and/or personal hygiene, similar applications for acceptance into Burundi, Vanuatu and Uzbekistan were subsequently rejected for even more farcical reasons including fictional references, incomplete job history and grammar. In essence, we are men without a country, guys without a nation, dudes without a place. So we then decided to pool our resources and collectively apply, which Bill agreed to after we explained that Naturalization was much more than being naked. We then submitted the following to our local USCIS registrar, this time with spellcheck on:

Your legal current name and address

Many and Varied

Given Name?

Given back

Relatives with current citizenship

Several step wives, a dozen or so half children and an aunt/cousin

Have you been convicted of a felony?

Today?

Have you been previously married?

Yes

How many times?

3.0 cumulative aggregate, .66 weighted average

How did these marriages end?

All in all, very badly

Have you ever been declared legally incompetent?

Legally no, Incontinent yes

Do you hold any title of nobility?

Desperate Despot, Earl of Hurl, the Discount Viscount

He then called security.

US citizens, illegal aliens and more unite at Siggy's in Palm Bay Friday from 9 to 1...

Then Saturday make sure to get up to Neptune Bar and Grill, formerly the Cove, in Satellite Beach from 9 to 1…